Spiraling out with anxiety, have I lost it? Should I go to hospital?

[Talitha]

Some background: I have BPD, Bipolar 2, PTSD, and panic disorder. I have been in talk therapy on and off for 17 years and on medication for 14. I have tried some EMDR but spiraled out and quit. Mainly my therapy has been conventional talk therapy lately, but I've tried almost everything. Some stressful things have been going on in my life, lost a couple friendships recently (long story), family problems (longer story), and I've recently begun opening up a little about my trauma again which has been very difficult for me.

whats going on now: I can't talk to anyone. It's getting bad. I turned my phone off and put it away in a clothes droor. I deactivated my facebook. I can't have a public online presence. I skipped work and group therapy yesterday, and i've been isolating almost completely for days, and partially isolating for months. I have 40 unread text messages and a bunch of people to get back to. basically, my isolation has completely escalated due to this odd extreme sudden burst of social anxiety/general panic. Another odd thing that happened: I'm a self harmer, and the last time I did it over the weekend I was staring at it, kinda dissociated and felt weird, and fainted. (was not a loss of blood thing, something psychological). I did make it to individual therapy today, and I couldn't say much at all, but I think my therapist thinks I've officially lost it. She asked me for my full name, the day and year and asked if I was seeing or hearing things, if i thought I was having a psychotic break, and if I wanted to go to the hospital. I am not experiencing psychotic symptoms. As far as medication goes, for anxiety, I take klonopin and seroquel and I smoke weed. For sleep I take belsomra. I am not currently medicated for my bipolar. For coping skills I've been journaling, listening to music, writing/playing music, researching UFOs (lol idk) and watching random shit. Just got into the show stranger things and its the only thing making me feel better. I don't know what to do. I'm scared. I also haven't showered in like over a week. I'm also suicidal and have a plan but I'm too anxious to act on it. I don't know if I should go to the hospital. I've been many times. Basically all they do is adjust your meds, and I've tried all the meds I'm willing to try (dozens). What should I do? Am I losing it?

 

[Freida]

If you are asking yourself if you should go chances are you already know the answer....YES.

if you have a plan and are thinking about going thru with it please call for help. Your t, 911, a crisis line, whatever can keep you stable till you get to the er. Even if all they are going to do is tweak your meds you are still in a safe place until you can get grounded again.

 

[mamachick]

Talatha-You are on several medications and I know you don't want to go to the hospital because all they do is adjust meds, but you are not on anything for your bi polar. It sounds like you may need a medication adjustment and often the hospital is the best way. Nobody wants to do a few days on the ward but sometimes it is best. You are also suicidal with a plan even though you are too anxious to carry it out. It is not worth your life dear. I personally think you should go to ER for admit and let them help you. Its not worth risking your life for. Even if nothing like that happens, it sounds like you are spiraling down. From a person who has felt and experienced these things, they don't usually get better on their own.

You deserve to live better than this but need to take the first step to do so. I hope you decide to go because it sounds like you need to stabilize and with that can function much better. Please consider it....as it sounds like you already are.

 

[Talitha]

It sounds like you may need a medication adjustment

see, the problem is, I was in the psych ward for 2 weeks in January. They changed my meds around, took me off some things, added a couple of new ones. they were so desperate and out of ideas I was on some ancient tryciclic anti depressant and dementia medication that aparantly has off-lable use for depression. within a month or two i was off everything new they put me on because it wasn't working. nothing works. my psychiatrist doesn't really know what to do, and he's the best one I've ever met. I really doubt the docs at the hospital can come up with something, and I'm afraid of being institutionalized for a very long time (my longest stay in a hospital was for something like this and it lasted 2 months, followed by 6 weeks of residential treatment elsewhere). I could try klonadine and ketamine, but I believe I would need to be out of hospital for ketamine as they do not have it there, and medications that effect blood pressure have given me bad reactions or made me really tired/have low blood pressure in the past. so idk. I mean you're not wrong, I just feel stuck because of everything I just stated.

 

[mamachick]

No wonder you are asking this question when it seems obvious that you need to do this. Thats a long time to be in there and I know its not pleasant. They have to get this right though. I know its all trial and error and that really sucks. I think sometimes patients say they are feeling better just to get in front of this, not that you have done so. I just know how frustrating the meds can be. I don't know where you live but in US there is some new genetic testing that helps them find meds with the least side effect. (Im sure it would not be available where I live). This is your life though. You have to do what you have to do to protect it. Its much better to make the choice to do it yourself than allow yourself to get worse. Do you have any family or friend support that can help you through this right now?

 

[Sideways]

Is going to hospital for a shorter time now, so that they can re-tweak your meds, a better option than the problems (and longer hospital stay) that inevitably result from untreated bipolar high/low?

It does sound like your T was concerned (and doing the standard cognitive checks is standard:) for what you’ve described - it’s good to hear you aren’t having a psychotic episode). And it sounds like checking in at the hospital to be on the safe side, particularly given the social isolation you’re experiencing, would be a good idea.

Keeping safe is really important, and it sounds like you know that’s becoming difficult to do on your own. It doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll need to be admitted, let alone that you would necessarily have a long admission.

There are more options available - like you said, ketamine is having some really good outcomes for a lot of people.

Good on you for reaching out:)

 

[ChildofGod]

Welcome to the forums, Talitha. I am sorry you are going through such a rough time.
Have you ever heard of the RAINN network?

You can call or chat online for free.

I'm also including a link that may be helpful for you.

Please take care.

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention

About RAINN | RAINN

**I just wanted to say, if you can't click on the links, maybe a friend could for you and tell you what it says. I'm sorry I can't edit my post.

 

[Talitha]

No wonder you are asking this question when it seems obvious that you need to do this. Thats a long time to be in there and I know its not pleasant. They have to get this right though. I know its all trial and error and that really sucks. I think sometimes patients say they are feeling better just to get in front of this, not that you have done so. I just know how frustrating the meds can be. I don't know where you live but in US there is some new genetic testing that helps them find meds with the least side effect. (Im sure it would not be available where I live). This is your life though. You have to do what you have to do to protect it. Its much better to make the choice to do it yourself than allow yourself to get worse. Do you have any family or friend support that can help you through this right now?

you're rite, i should admit myself to the ward again, i'm going to try to talk to one of my professionals tomorrow if i can use the damn phone. my family life is complicated and long story short they don't really get this whole mental illness thing. i have supportive friends and one was suppose to call me earlier but like idk if they did cuz my phones still away in the droor.

i did genetic testing years ago but i don't think it was that advanced yet. the results were very accurate but i didn't really learn anything new (i get migraines, shouldn't take SSRIs, and carry the bipolar/schizophrenia gene, that was the gist of the results that i remember). i'll ask my doctor about getting a newer test, maybe they'll be able to tell me something different now. I do live in the US, have good health insurance, and familial/doctor connections with the local hospital and psych hospital/after program. thank god.

 

[willhealeventually]

I am also very resistant to medication. I got ECT and it seemed to help for awhile. Of course, it’s not going to treat the trauma but it does change brain chemistry.
I hope you reach out for help and get through this tough time...

 

[joeylittle]

@Talitha - I'm replying late, just wanted to add some thoughts.

From much of what you've said - I'd suggest you talk with your psychiatrist about doing a full re-evaluation and diagnosis.

I have BPD, Bipolar 2, PTSD, and panic disorder.

I'm not a doctor - but it's unlikely to have all four of these diagnoses. I'm not saying that you're lying, BTW - only that these four overlap, and my guess is that they got added on over time. It's going to be important to separate out which symptoms are coming from where. Then, they might be able to be more effectively treated, so you can get some relief.

As far as medication goes, for anxiety, I take klonopin and seroquel and I smoke weed. For sleep I take belsomra. I am not currently medicated for my bipolar.

Again - I'm not a doctor - but almost all the things you describe yourself struggling with right now are belsomra side effects. They can occur even when one is taking it intermittently. ALSO: you said you're smoking weed. I don't know how aware your doctors are of that - but there are potential negative interactions between the belsomra, cannabis, and seroquel.

my psychiatrist doesn't really know what to do, and he's the best one I've ever met.

Hopefully, he will have ideas about how/where to refer you for a fresh diagnosis.

I just feel stuck because of everything I just stated.

Totally understandable - you've got a big list of things that have been diagnosed, and have tried a lot of different things and nothing is helping. That's a really depressing place to be. But it does sound like there are treatment avenues to explore, once the confusion around your diagnosis gets cleared up.

I do live in the US, have good health insurance, and familial/doctor connections with the local hospital and psych hospital/after program. thank god.

This is great. I'm glad you can recognize that you've got a good foundation under your feet for you to operate from.

So, going back to the diagnosis part...Talk with your psych and others about getting a referral to a place that specializes in complex diagnoses. Somewhere you'll be able to get looked at by a fresh set of eyes/minds. The place in the US that always comes to mind for me is McLean hospital, their Pavilion program. The downside is, it's terribly expensive and it's self-pay. But much of the costs can often be reimbursable through insurance, if your current doctors (esp. hospital MDs) can work with your insurance provider and you.

And I know that's not the only diagnostic program - it's just the one I'm most familiar with. I hope you can get some relief and some clarity, somehow.