ghostfacemonroe
New Here
This is my first time on this forum, I'm unsure on who to turn to. Please be warned that this post gets sexual.
My (25m) girlfriend (22F) have been together for over a year. It's been truly magical, near perfect, and extremely healthy. She has severe PTSD from sexual childhood trauma, but I have been understanding and supportive of her all the way through, and she has been so appreciative and reciprocal about it. Despite the trauma, we are very sexually active, and into very light BDSM. She says I give her hope, comfort, a feeling of worthiness, and most importantly, safety.
Until four days ago. Sunday morning we woke up, and we began having sex. I finished earlier than usual but still wanted her to finish, so I began to go down on her. She was on her period and told me "no, I feel gross" to which I replied "I really don't mind" and she said "no" once more. Earlier in the coitus she had gone down on me to which I also said "no, I feel gross" because I hadn't showered in a few days, but she did it anyway and I enjoyed it very much and it made me feel special that she would do that despite me not being clean. So I continued to use my hands, but I could tell it wasn't doing it for her. So I began to go down on her again and said "I know you said no, but I really don't mind. I just want to make you feel good." I did my thing for maybe five seconds and I pulled my head up and all I saw on her face was horror and tears.
She said "I said no and you did it anyway." I felt horrible. I held her tight and told her she was safe, apologized profusely, and told her I loved her. She said she loves me and forgives me, she said she knew my intentions were in the right place, and she said it wasn't my fault, it was the fault of the people who did this to her. We cried and comforted each other for the next hour until we calmed down. We had both reached an understanding.
A few hours went by and things were somewhat back to normal. We got food, watched our favorite TV shows, she even asked for a back rub and things were nice. She then went outside for a quick cigarette while I stayed in and got some writing done. She took quite a long time, and when she got back, her face was distraught. I went to go hug her, but she pushed me away and said "I need you to not touch me. I can't believe what you did. What were you thinking?" I was in complete shock and could barely find words. She reiterated that she loves me and forgives me, but the image of me going down on her is burned in her brain, and that she does not feel safe. I told her that I understand, reiterated my apology, and asked if there was anything I could do for her. She replied "No, but I know that wasn't your intention." She called her therapist who told her to get some space to process and relax. She was hesitant to leave as to spare my feelings, but I told her that if she does not feel comfortable or safe here, she should go somewhere where she does. Her safety is my top priority. I helped her gather her things, walked her to her car, and she said "I don't need long. Just a day. It's not like I'll be gone for a week." I told her "I understand" and out of fear I asked "Have I ruined this?" to which she replied "I don't think so. I love you and take care of yourself." We hugged, and she left.
It's now been four days and I'm worried. I sent her a text this morning saying "You don't have to respond to this. I just felt a need to reach out to wish you well. Please take care of yourself. When you are ready to talk, I am ready to listen. You are not alone. I love you so much." I believe that she is physically ok and is staying with a friend for a moment. I feel awful about how she feels and I feel like a monster. I never meant for this to happen. I also have fear that this incident may be her exit from this relationship. We have planned a life together and were just about to move in. I'm very scared for her and scared that I may now be a source of trauma. I just want to help her heal and feel safe again. What do I do???
My (25m) girlfriend (22F) have been together for over a year. It's been truly magical, near perfect, and extremely healthy. She has severe PTSD from sexual childhood trauma, but I have been understanding and supportive of her all the way through, and she has been so appreciative and reciprocal about it. Despite the trauma, we are very sexually active, and into very light BDSM. She says I give her hope, comfort, a feeling of worthiness, and most importantly, safety.
Until four days ago. Sunday morning we woke up, and we began having sex. I finished earlier than usual but still wanted her to finish, so I began to go down on her. She was on her period and told me "no, I feel gross" to which I replied "I really don't mind" and she said "no" once more. Earlier in the coitus she had gone down on me to which I also said "no, I feel gross" because I hadn't showered in a few days, but she did it anyway and I enjoyed it very much and it made me feel special that she would do that despite me not being clean. So I continued to use my hands, but I could tell it wasn't doing it for her. So I began to go down on her again and said "I know you said no, but I really don't mind. I just want to make you feel good." I did my thing for maybe five seconds and I pulled my head up and all I saw on her face was horror and tears.
She said "I said no and you did it anyway." I felt horrible. I held her tight and told her she was safe, apologized profusely, and told her I loved her. She said she loves me and forgives me, she said she knew my intentions were in the right place, and she said it wasn't my fault, it was the fault of the people who did this to her. We cried and comforted each other for the next hour until we calmed down. We had both reached an understanding.
A few hours went by and things were somewhat back to normal. We got food, watched our favorite TV shows, she even asked for a back rub and things were nice. She then went outside for a quick cigarette while I stayed in and got some writing done. She took quite a long time, and when she got back, her face was distraught. I went to go hug her, but she pushed me away and said "I need you to not touch me. I can't believe what you did. What were you thinking?" I was in complete shock and could barely find words. She reiterated that she loves me and forgives me, but the image of me going down on her is burned in her brain, and that she does not feel safe. I told her that I understand, reiterated my apology, and asked if there was anything I could do for her. She replied "No, but I know that wasn't your intention." She called her therapist who told her to get some space to process and relax. She was hesitant to leave as to spare my feelings, but I told her that if she does not feel comfortable or safe here, she should go somewhere where she does. Her safety is my top priority. I helped her gather her things, walked her to her car, and she said "I don't need long. Just a day. It's not like I'll be gone for a week." I told her "I understand" and out of fear I asked "Have I ruined this?" to which she replied "I don't think so. I love you and take care of yourself." We hugged, and she left.
It's now been four days and I'm worried. I sent her a text this morning saying "You don't have to respond to this. I just felt a need to reach out to wish you well. Please take care of yourself. When you are ready to talk, I am ready to listen. You are not alone. I love you so much." I believe that she is physically ok and is staying with a friend for a moment. I feel awful about how she feels and I feel like a monster. I never meant for this to happen. I also have fear that this incident may be her exit from this relationship. We have planned a life together and were just about to move in. I'm very scared for her and scared that I may now be a source of trauma. I just want to help her heal and feel safe again. What do I do???
