Feeling alone and wanting to isolate

[Jnean]

I'm bipolar but my biggest struggles are with depression lately. All I am thinking about is having an entire week to seriously isolate soon, no one will be home but me. But I'm also an addict and alcohol so isolating is not good for me. I have so many tools to help me not fall into this depression so why do I have this desire to be alone. I can tell its affecting my life too. I havent been close with my wife at all or other family that love me and want to be around me. I feel like I'm trying but life just ends up feeling exhausting. I feel alone inside but no one knows. And I dont want to be real if that makes sense, I'd rather hide for awhile and sit in it. I just keep trying to pay attention to others so I can forget about myself and get out of my head but it just feels temporary like drugs used to do for me. I also keep busy but times like now where I'm not busy my sadness creeps in. I think I'm avoiding it, not talking about it, not accepting it even, so writing it and acknowledging it hopefully is helpful. Maybe someone can relate and I wont feel alone.

 

[ladee]

I relate to everything you shared. Sometimes, we really need some time alone. To not be busy being present for family and work. It can be, stressing the word 'can', be therapeutic. Not having to be 'on' all the time.

If you set aside time to got to meetings if you attend AA. Making sure you have contact numbers. If you have been clean for any time, you know that drill.

I also am a recovering addict and alcoholic. I'm years into it so I have trust in myself. But you know what to do if you don't trust yourself.

Make a choice for this to also be a time for you to rest. Watch what you want to on TV. Watch the movies you want to watch. Some healthy self-indulgence.

Are you on medication for the depression and do you have a therapist? Those two things are lifelines with depression. I have chronic depression and thru time have learned to accept it. But I also know when it's hitting a level that I need to reach out and let someone know.

I'm hoping you get to enjoy you 'alone' time. It doesn't have to be something negative. It can truly be a gift. Hope things go well for you.

 

[flowerapple]

Hi.

I'm not bipolar, but I do relate to this, especially right now. I too have been struggling with depression, for quite some time now actually, but it's been getting worse more recently, for a number of different reasons. I too, just wish if I could just get away from everyone and everything, and just be by myself. I imagine that all the pressure in my head would just shrink because a lot of the stress that is constantly there from being around people wouldn't be there. I live with my family, and we've been planning a trip for a while, which starts next Sunday. But, I have been on the fence about going, just because it's a different place, it's not new, but I don't go there lots so it's still stressful. Plus, it's a family trip, so when we reach we would be with even more family, and we will all be relatively close to each other, which makes me very anxious too, especially because I don't really want to be around anyone. I actually had been considering staying back, and not going, so that I could be at home by myself. I would end up with three weeks alone at home just by myself, with nothing extra to bother me other than the thoughts and memories and depression stuff that's already there. Plus, I feel like it would actually be better for them too if I didn't go because I know I'm a lot to deal with, and I cause extra stress by just being around, and I don't want to ruin their vacation because I'm going through stuff. I would like to be able to spend that time with them and connect, but it's just a lot of work, and I'm getting more and more tired of having to pretend, and my mask is starting to crack. I'd rather just spend the time by myself and not bother anyone else. I also try to use distractions to avoid having to face myself, whether it be work, or school, or family, just anything really. But eventually it finds its way in and then it's hard to shake it and 'function'. I don't have alcohol or drug problems, but I do have other unhealthy addictions, which I don't feel like mentioning at this point, and I know that if I do stay home, I will slip back into it. I haven't really slipped out of it, but it definitely will undo a lot of the progress I've made so far. I have little to no self-control.

I get your desire to be alone. Having the tools to help deal with the depression is very good, but at some point, I think we have to face the depression in order to get better. It won't be easy or fun, but it has to be done. I think of it like a drug addict who is going through withdrawal. When they stop taking drugs, they end up feeling so sick, and whatever they have been trying to numb and avoid is starting to push it's way to the surface because there's nothing there to stop it anymore. So now you feel physically sick from the withdrawal and you feel mentally/emotionally sick because there is nothing to numb the feelings, and they all just feel so intense. And at that point, you start to consider a lot of ways to get out of feeling that way, ways that aren't healthy, like either going back to taking the drugs, or other ways. But once you get through that it starts to improve, not a whole lot, but the minor changes are still there. It's like you have to get worse to get better. And sometimes pain is a part of the recovery, even though at this point, I'm thinking that I already feel pain, so why should I add more to it. Sometimes it's easier to see in the short-term changes (pain), than to look at the long-term changes (eventual healing). I know that as much as I feel I need/want this break, I know that at this point, it won't do me any good, and it will only make things worse.

What you can do for your time alone though, is to start planning ahead.
1. Think about all the tools you need that can help you when the depression starts hitting you hard, even the tools that you rarely use and think they don't actually work, and get those in place, whether by writing it down, but just try to have a physical copy of it, because when it hits, you might not be thinking clearly, you might be thinking of short-term solutions such as drugs and alcohol, you might be thinking to self-sabotage, etc. So having the copy written down can be helpful, in case you forget them, or for when you notice it happening, you can do them before it gets worse.

2. Think about self-care. Simple things like taking a shower, brushing you teeth, remembering to eat, and even eating something healthy, can do a lot. I tend to forget to eat, and might forget to eat the whole day because I don't feel hungry, so you can try setting alarms, so you remember, if you have that problem. You can try to plan ahead of what meals you would prepare. Sometimes in the moment, you don't feel like preparing anything, or you just grab the easiest thing to eat which tends to be unhealthy, or you're just so overwhelmed by your emotions that you can't think of anything to prepare, so having that plan ahead of time could be useful, or even preparing some meals beforehand for those moments, when you don't want to do much. Also consider buying those little healthy snacks, like fruits, or some bar thing, or oatmeal cup things, or yogourt. That's for times when you know you should eat, but you don't feel like or want to eat for whatever reason. You can just grab those snacks for those times, so that even if it's not a meal that you're eating something, and it's nutritious.

3. For the moments when you start tho think about going back to your addictions, have plans in place that you use to check yourself. I don't where you live, but there are some places that have addiction hotlines you can call, and maybe you can still call if it's a toll-free number, so if you can, then have that number handy. You can also consider calling your wife or a close friend for those moments, if you feel comfortable doing that, and you don't even have to tell them why you're calling, you can talk about anything because sometimes just the simple distraction and interaction with another person even if it's over the phone can make a difference. You can also consider having them just call or text you just to check in on you and see if your doing fine, and it doesn't have to be a constant thing, just do it based on what you feel is necessary. If you just wan them to text you, then that's fine. If you want them to do it once per day, or in the morning and at night, or at morning, noon and night, but just have some external support that you can fall back on.

4. Also try to plan what you will do during the week. For this, try not to plan too much or plan for every hour of the day, because then it ends up becoming a chore, which can be overwhelming and stressful, and just defeats the purpose of your week of solitude. But just plan some fun activities you can do, and it can be as simple as watching Netflix, maybe you have a couple shows you want to watch, but whatever it is just try to have an idea of what you will be doing, because when you have nothing to do, the mind tends to wander, and if you're like me, then it tends to wander to some dark places.

5. Also, exercise is helpful for this as well. If you don't exercise that's fine, like you don't have to go get a gym membership for the week. But if it's even to take a walk around the block, that would be good. The fresh air is good, and it gets the heart pumping and the blood flowing, which is always good. Plus, just being outside can be helpful. Maybe you don't want to do any walking, but if there is a place you like going, it could be the park, or a coffee shop, anywhere really. But sometimes just the change of scenery can be good, plus being locked up in your house all week might not helpful.

You know you the best, so just try to plan for what you like, and try to think of the things that could worsen your mood, and plan ahead for ways to avoid or tackle them.
I know this is a lot to read, and probably not what you had expected or wanted when you made your post, but I'm gonna post it anyways. You don't have to read everything.

 

[Jnean]

I relate to everything you shared. Sometimes, we really need some time alone. To not be busy being present for family and work. It can be, stressing the word 'can', be therapeutic. Not having to be 'on' all the time.

If you set aside time to got to meetings if you attend AA. Making sure you have contact numbers. If you have been clean for any time, you know that drill.

I also am a recovering addict and alcoholic. I'm years into it so I have trust in myself. But you know what to do if you don't trust yourself.

Make a choice for this to also be a time for you to rest. Watch what you want to on TV. Watch the movies you want to watch. Some healthy self-indulgence.

Are you on medication for the depression and do you have a therapist? Those two things are lifelines with depression. I have chronic depression and thru time have learned to accept it. But I also know when it's hitting a level that I need to reach out and let someone know.

I'm hoping you get to enjoy you 'alone' time. It doesn't have to be something negative. It can truly be a gift. Hope things go well for you.

Thank you, this is really helpful. I do have some clean time in and have a great support network. I also see a therapist regularly, more when I'm feeling this way. I love the idea of using alone time for my more of a healing time.[/QUOTE]

Hi.

I'm not bipolar, but I do relate to this, especially right now. I too have been struggling with depression, for quite some time now actually, but it's been getting worse more recently, for a number of different reasons. I too, just wish if I could just get away from everyone and everything, and just be by myself. I imagine that all the pressure in my head would just shrink because a lot of the stress that is constantly there from being around people wouldn't be there. I live with my family, and we've been planning a trip for a while, which starts next Sunday. But, I have been on the fence about going, just because it's a different place, it's not new, but I don't go there lots so it's still stressful. Plus, it's a family trip, so when we reach we would be with even more family, and we will all be relatively close to each other, which makes me very anxious too, especially because I don't really want to be around anyone. I actually had been considering staying back, and not going, so that I could be at home by myself. I would end up with three weeks alone at home just by myself, with nothing extra to bother me other than the thoughts and memories and depression stuff that's already there. Plus, I feel like it would actually be better for them too if I didn't go because I know I'm a lot to deal with, and I cause extra stress by just being around, and I don't want to ruin their vacation because I'm going through stuff. I would like to be able to spend that time with them and connect, but it's just a lot of work, and I'm getting more and more tired of having to pretend, and my mask is starting to crack. I'd rather just spend the time by myself and not bother anyone else. I also try to use distractions to avoid having to face myself, whether it be work, or school, or family, just anything really. But eventually it finds its way in and then it's hard to shake it and 'function'. I don't have alcohol or drug problems, but I do have other unhealthy addictions, which I don't feel like mentioning at this point, and I know that if I do stay home, I will slip back into it. I haven't really slipped out of it, but it definitely will undo a lot of the progress I've made so far. I have little to no self-control.

I get your desire to be alone. Having the tools to help deal with the depression is very good, but at some point, I think we have to face the depression in order to get better. It won't be easy or fun, but it has to be done. I think of it like a drug addict who is going through withdrawal. When they stop taking drugs, they end up feeling so sick, and whatever they have been trying to numb and avoid is starting to push it's way to the surface because there's nothing there to stop it anymore. So now you feel physically sick from the withdrawal and you feel mentally/emotionally sick because there is nothing to numb the feelings, and they all just feel so intense. And at that point, you start to consider a lot of ways to get out of feeling that way, ways that aren't healthy, like either going back to taking the drugs, or other ways. But once you get through that it starts to improve, not a whole lot, but the minor changes are still there. It's like you have to get worse to get better. And sometimes pain is a part of the recovery, even though at this point, I'm thinking that I already feel pain, so why should I add more to it. Sometimes it's easier to see in the short-term changes (pain), than to look at the long-term changes (eventual healing). I know that as much as I feel I need/want this break, I know that at this point, it won't do me any good, and it will only make things worse.

What you can do for your time alone though, is to start planning ahead.
1. Think about all the tools you need that can help you when the depression starts hitting you hard, even the tools that you rarely use and think they don't actually work, and get those in place, whether by writing it down, but just try to have a physical copy of it, because when it hits, you might not be thinking clearly, you might be thinking of short-term solutions such as drugs and alcohol, you might be thinking to self-sabotage, etc. So having the copy written down can be helpful, in case you forget them, or for when you notice it happening, you can do them before it gets worse.

2. Think about self-care. Simple things like taking a shower, brushing you teeth, remembering to eat, and even eating something healthy, can do a lot. I tend to forget to eat, and might forget to eat the whole day because I don't feel hungry, so you can try setting alarms, so you remember, if you have that problem. You can try to plan ahead of what meals you would prepare. Sometimes in the moment, you don't feel like preparing anything, or you just grab the easiest thing to eat which tends to be unhealthy, or you're just so overwhelmed by your emotions that you can't think of anything to prepare, so having that plan ahead of time could be useful, or even preparing some meals beforehand for those moments, when you don't want to do much. Also consider buying those little healthy snacks, like fruits, or some bar thing, or oatmeal cup things, or yogourt. That's for times when you know you should eat, but you don't feel like or want to eat for whatever reason. You can just grab those snacks for those times, so that even if it's not a meal that you're eating something, and it's nutritious.

3. For the moments when you start tho think about going back to your addictions, have plans in place that you use to check yourself. I don't where you live, but there are some places that have addiction hotlines you can call, and maybe you can still call if it's a toll-free number, so if you can, then have that number handy. You can also consider calling your wife or a close friend for those moments, if you feel comfortable doing that, and you don't even have to tell them why you're calling, you can talk about anything because sometimes just the simple distraction and interaction with another person even if it's over the phone can make a difference. You can also consider having them just call or text you just to check in on you and see if your doing fine, and it doesn't have to be a constant thing, just do it based on what you feel is necessary. If you just wan them to text you, then that's fine. If you want them to do it once per day, or in the morning and at night, or at morning, noon and night, but just have some external support that you can fall back on.

4. Also try to plan what you will do during the week. For this, try not to plan too much or plan for every hour of the day, because then it ends up becoming a chore, which can be overwhelming and stressful, and just defeats the purpose of your week of solitude. But just plan some fun activities you can do, and it can be as simple as watching Netflix, maybe you have a couple shows you want to watch, but whatever it is just try to have an idea of what you will be doing, because when you have nothing to do, the mind tends to wander, and if you're like me, then it tends to wander to some dark places.

5. Also, exercise is helpful for this as well. If you don't exercise that's fine, like you don't have to go get a gym membership for the week. But if it's even to take a walk around the block, that would be good. The fresh air is good, and it gets the heart pumping and the blood flowing, which is always good. Plus, just being outside can be helpful. Maybe you don't want to do any walking, but if there is a place you like going, it could be the park, or a coffee shop, anywhere really. But sometimes just the change of scenery can be good, plus being locked up in your house all week might not helpful.

You know you the best, so just try to plan for what you like, and try to think of the things that could worsen your mood, and plan ahead for ways to avoid or tackle them.
I know this is a lot to read, and probably not what you had expected or wanted when you made your post, but I'm gonna post it anyways. You don't have to read everything.

Thank you, your suggestions are helpful. I should have a plan for sure. I could see myself with less responsibilities and not needing to be present like you said, thinking I could use or drink and no one would know.

 

[seekjoydaily]

I'm bipolar but my biggest struggles are with depression lately. All I am thinking about is having an entire week to seriously isolate soon, no one will be home but me. But I'm also an addict and alcohol so isolating is not good for me. I have so many tools to help me not fall into this depression so why do I have this desire to be alone. I can tell its affecting my life too. I havent been close with my wife at all or other family that love me and want to be around me. I feel like I'm trying but life just ends up feeling exhausting. I feel alone inside but no one knows. And I dont want to be real if that makes sense, I'd rather hide for awhile and sit in it. I just keep trying to pay attention to others so I can forget about myself and get out of my head but it just feels temporary like drugs used to do for me. I also keep busy but times like now where I'm not busy my sadness creeps in. I think I'm avoiding it, not talking about it, not accepting it even, so writing it and acknowledging it hopefully is helpful. Maybe someone can relate and I wont feel alone.

It sounds like you are recognizing the fact that you may need some help. Are you currently on meds? Do you have a doctor or therapist you can reach out to? The problem with depression is that it sucks you into the abyss and even though you know you should reach out, you don't want to. Glad you are reaching out here. I know it helps me to write out my thoughts and feelings, then I can just "observe" myself and what I'm thinking without judgement or emotion. So why will you be home alone for an entire week? It sounds like maybe you realize that this might be detrimental. Can you talk to your wife about this or someone else who understands and can direct you to the help you need? I encourage you to reach out for help. You are never alone! There are others surrounding you, your wife and family that love you and desire to be in your life. Reach out to them and let them encourage you.

 

[Jnean]

@seekjoydaily thank you for your response. I'm currently working with my T weekly since this dive into depression started for me recently. Yes I'm stable on my meds too. I also made a plan with my sponsor so I will be going to meeting every other night that week. I am rarely alone in my life, a few hours a day maybe between traveling in my car and waiting for my wife to come home from work. I have a busy life which doesnt leave me with much time. Hiding from the world always looks appealing when I'm depressed but I dont have time to do that, which is the best thing for me. I know I cant isolate myself that week. I know I have to go to work, I have to go to meetings, I have to be social with the people I normally am social with, I have to stay updated on social media, I have to do what I typically would do, for my depression and for my addiction. No matter how much I want to do differently sometimes.

 

[ladee]

Awesome plan!! You left out the part about thinking you could drink and no one would know!! I would have jumped on that!! :laugh:

But kudos to you for having a plan in place. And you can have some relaxing 'alone time' without it being a bad thing with bad consequences. You got this!!