There is a phrase someone said to me years ago that I hung on to for a long time. It was burned into my brain because it hurt so bad at the time in a moment of vulnerability... and because I kept repeating it over and over to myself. Not letting myself forget. I kept trying to figure out how and why they could say such a thing. I eventually had a chance to reconnect. They put almost no thought into what they said. Didn’t even remember. Couldn’t explain their intent only that they genuinely meant no harm and communicated the best they knew how at the time. Ugh. I regretted the years of torturing myself. Humans are fallible and screw up. That’s why they said it.
I have had to break up with others who didn’t want to break up. It is so hard to figure out what to say. At the end of the day, I have been in the position of having to say something...
His words could have been meant with the meanest intent, and let’s say that they are - well the opinion of someone when they are being a jerk isn’t something to be repeating, rereading, and rehearsing to yourself. It’s a form of negative self talk and repeating mean comments someone said to ourselves is a good way to end up feeling really down. Maybe it’s good to not understand mean and cruel words... it might indicate you are not mean and cruel, or else you might get it more quickly.
It’s also possible his words also could have been the best he knew to say to let you down as easy as he could. He did make it clear he was trying to not be a villain.
At the end of the day, all of us are filled with good and bad sides to us. PTSD or not. Breakups are hard. It doesn’t usually bring out the best in people, but their weaknesses.
You will probably never fully know all of his mind as to why he decided to breakup, no matter how many times you revisit it. Frankly, he may not even know.
Dating is about finding the person who is the right fit for either a season or a lifetime. Sometimes, with or without PTSD, someone just knows the relationship simply isn’t the right fit anymore. There isn’t a good or bad to that. It simply happens. People stop clicking together.
There probably wasn’t a way he could have ended the relationship that would have eliminated the pain of breaking up. Part of dating is risking it doesn’t work out. It sucks. The deep pain of unrequited love and breakups has fueled songs, plays, and poetry throughout history.
It’s also possible to overcome it.
If you decide to continue to revisit his words, I’d suggest pairing it with much more time spend on reminders of your life now moving on well without him, the bright and happy future that is still possible without him, and other positive life affirmations. That may help you through this process and lighten how down you are feeling about this breakup.
It may also be worthwhile to evaluate the possible benefits of revisiting what happened and looking for more effective ways to gain that same benefit. For me, sometimes I rehash a relationship past the point of it being helpful because I’m trying to find control and make sense of things. I’m depressed or anxious and instead of self care for that, I chase trying to find control. But the reality is that even without PTSD in the mix, we can’t always make sense of why others do things and I can find other ways to find comfort. Maybe you are trying to figure out what you could have done differently. Another way to reach that goal is to talk to the he therapist and other supports about new relationships and what you can improve or get validation about what you do well. Consider the benefits of why you keep revisiting things with him and find other ways to have those needs met in life.
I hope things get lighter and easier for you soon. Breakups do hurt.
