Toxic family members - at my breaking point

[ThisLifeIsBeautiful]

Hello all... i haven't posted on here in a long time. Today i found a need to log back on. I've made so much progress with my illness (complex PTSD) because I have gone to over 160 therapy sessions and sought out the hospital when I need it. I have worked on myself SO HARD. My sister struggles with Borderline personality disorder (and in my opinion some narcissism) -- these two illnesses or characteristics of her personality are often times really hard if not impossible to deal with.

She lashes out in anger. As a kid she was violent toward me and I felt unsafe around her a lot. shes 6 years older than me and knew right from wrong and made choices that put my life in jeopardy (sometimes perceived sometimes legit). As an adult she can't function. her electricity gets turned off. she lets her car get repossessed. She accumulates bags of trash in her house and lets her kitchen become a pig sty ... then my mom will come in and help fix all of these situations. She's had multiple run in's with legal matters and has managed to avoid any serious consequences such as jail or loss of her job as a teacher.

This weekend she came to visit me in my home 4 hours from where she lives. I tried so very hard to help her. She was unstable. She blacked out and yelled at me and cried and sobbed. We got through that. The next day she had a full blown meltdown over meeting me back at my house because she said she couldn't figure out how to get home (to my house). She manged to make it from 4 hours away so i struggled to understand the difficulty in making it from one town over. I tried to help. offered to put on hazards and lead her in... or to pick her up and take her back to her car the next day. She threw a fit and became out of control. She made it back to my house then tried to leave for her home (4 hours away). She was so unstable i knew she shouldn't drive. she needed help. mom and i were trying to help. she continued to lash out in anger and hatred about how we didn't understand her adn weren't helping. she was behaving like a baby. like a baby who didn't understand what they needed but needed an adult to fix it. but she's the adult. I talked her down and used EVERY OUNCE of self-control to cope with her viscous, destructive behavior for her own safety. We decided she could stay with me to get help from a hospital in my town. acute medication management. do partial hospitalization and get her meds straight. we went to bed. the next morning she said she was going home. I said okay. i went to walk my dog. during this time i figured she was choosing to not get help by saying she was going home. Then i came back inside adn she was FURIOUS with me. she said i was kicking her out and she was so disappointed in me and that i let her down. She started to LOSE HER SHIT again. and lash out at me in anger saying hurtful things and behaving erratically. at this point i couldn't do the dance anymore. i couldn't walk her off the ledge and plead for her to get help.

as an adult i've learned to look around me and realize that my childhood was f*cked up. it was unstable and unhealthy and abusive. but now i'm an adult and I must identify my own needs and meet my own needs. or ask someone for help in a manner that is appropriate and kind. So i let her leave and honestly i did kind of laugh when she angrily told me "I'm so mad at you, you've let me down do much." she had already been so mean. and she ruined my weekend. she brought chaos and toxicity into my world that i've worked so hard to build up with gratitude and love and kindness. I try to protect myself from stuff like this. then she sent me 8 text messages saying horrible things. i'm a horrible person. she should have never visited. she f*cking hates me. pray to god she never sees me again because she will beat my f*cking ass. she never wants to see me again. EVER. stuff like that.

but she's family. my only full blood sister. at what point do you all choose to completely cut people off. At what point does my mom's wishes for us to be normal sisters dissipate and my complete dissatisfaction with the relationship and what it does to my mental health become the priority. I WANT A NORMAL SISTER TOO! ... I think the time is now. I think right now i should choose to cut her off completely. no holidays. no trips. no phone calls or texts. even if she seeks treatment. I hate to say never but ... historically she's been horribly violent and viscous. she's cruel and what she does to my mom is even worse. i want to tell her i hate the way she treats people she loves and that I'm done. that she's slowly killing our mom and i hate her for it. I don't want that to lead to more drama and her hurting herself though. I feel trapped.

any thoughts from the community? thanks in advance.

 

[Keming]

You are the center of your life. Your happiness matters.

Dissolving an abusive relationship isn't cruel or selfish.

When my mother died, I cut off all ties with my father. There's no positive outcome in that relationship so it's not worth the effort. No regrets. One can be courteous and civil without maintaining a relationship.

 

[Tinyflame]

Your happiness matters.

That's a hard one to believe, but true.

I try to remember, when dealing with 'stuff', it is not in the other person's best interest to let them do very bad things to you (me), as if they care even a smidgen one day they may regret it or come to regret it, and that will cause them guilt.

It is hard to love someone, and mean it, but realize you have to be separate from their actions that are harmful to you. Not as in co-dependence, but truly saying (or thinking), you must make your own choices, and I mine, and having boundaries (and acknowledgment) of what really upsets or affects you (even profoundly).

So you could possibly say, I love you very much, but I find the screaming drains me and upsets me, and I will not put myself in that position again. Or, conversely, aim for very short time together, or phone calls, etc, instead.

I do not like drama. It destroys me. So I have to avoid it.

An opener, for example could be, next time she asks if you want to get together, you say something along the lines of, "last time you said ~I never want to see you again". If she says that means nothing, you can say," well I love you so that means a lot to me, and affects me. But I love myself too (even if you don't), and I'm really needing peace in my life right now". (And even, "but how about..." )

Best wishes to you, and welcome.

 

[grit]

I look at it this way, if you are struggling with her emotionally and yet you are only in her life because of blood, she is probably struggling with you too and you both triggers for each other. You will be relieved by cut off and she ma be too. Of course there many other way but you are challenged and it seems she is too in this incident. I had similar experiences with my sister who loves the bottle and first I said no bottle when we interact then nothing changed the behavior just went some where else. Then I realized my expectations of her getting better to my standards whatever that was something she could not or was not ready so I was frustrations for her as she was for me.
I see her around family gatherings and we cordial and she throws the passive aggressive and sarcasm but we are not in each other's life.

 

[ThisLifeIsBeautiful]

Thank you @Keming @Tinyflame & @grit -- some perspective on this is helpful. All of your responses point to similar solutions. I believe it's time for me to mourn the loss of a sister i wish i had and start a new chapter where she has extremely limited contact with me. The worst part is I feel like she's taking my mom from me. My mom can't stop enabling her so she will continue to deal with my sisters poor behavior and anger issues. Deep down I know my mom is not my responsibility but it breaks my heart that she is dealing with the effects of rage and reckless behavior. That means I don't get to see her at holidays. it takes a lot away from my happiness because i love my mom so much :/ hard pill to swallow :( thanks for the input very much

 

[Mach123]

I got rid of my sister, my only surviving blood relation. I made the mistake of calling her when I got diagnosed with cancer. IDK why I called, I'm a slow learner.

My sister picked up the phone and called our foster brother and told him. I won't even bother to explain why this upset me, but the one outstanding thing about it was,

It's typical.

She always does some screwed up thing that hurts me somehow and always has. So what am I going to do, pick up the phone and call her and try to explain why she's so messed up and can't do that stuff?

Again?

Why? She's heard it all her life and it hasn't phased her.

And it's not going to phase her now.

 

[ThisLifeIsBeautiful]

@Mach123 --- your post helped me tremendously. perspective. you nailed it. thanks for sharing. history repeats itself. i need to remember that.

I wish for you healing in all ways. thanks again. have a wonderful day.

 

[grit]

I am really sorry you have a sister like this and you are so worried of losing your mother sort of. I feel and I could be wrong you are brought up an environment where your mom maybe meant well but created imbalance among your siblings. And each one of you are forever like puppy vying for attention and love of your mother. I hope you have therapist to help you untangle this familial patterns of receiving love or maintaining relationship. You may at the end end up having a more balanced relationship with your mother from learning more about your ways and patterns in your family.

 

[Tinyflame]

The worst part is I feel like she's taking my mom from me.

But she isn't: you have to own the choice to see your mom or not, when you want and can, and whether she is there or not. Your relationship to your mom is between your mom and you; and your mom will (also) choose to have whatever relationship with your sister she chooses (and her perspective will be different as her mother).

 

[ThisLifeIsBeautiful]

I see your point @Tinyflame -- the sadness comes from holidays. i've had to spend them alone a lot in the past because my mom won't tell my sister not to come. but my sister is an evil monster to everyone. theres only the three of us, so no buffers... so i no longer have anywhere to be on thanksgiving and christmas and that sucks. period. but i can find other times to see my mom ... i guess it's not the whole relationship. rather really important dates that mean an awful lot to me will no longer be a time to visit my mom

 

[Tinyflame]

i've had to spend them alone a lot in the past because my mom won't tell my sister not to come.

Not had to, but chose to, because you know your limits.

Another option is to go.. and perhaps view your sister differently... or something else.

PS, I don't mean to be harsh at all, sometimes language shows us where we have choices, and to understand and own our choices, or choose different ones. We can only work on ourselves. :hug:

 

[Sideways]

So, the BPD diagnosis is significant. It tracks a certain way, and if left to its own devices, is a disorder that can largely resolve by itself when the person is in their 40s or so.

My sister has BPD. We were best mates when we were rugrats. Then spent a couple of decades being pretty toxic influences on each other. And now, she’s 39, and we’ve just moved into a townhouse together. She used to be a scary, unpredictable, toxic nightmare. So far? Living together is going surprisingly well.

My parents always babied her, carried her, and having a relationship with them? Was really hard. Because she was always there. They still do that. Their choice, can’t control that.

The situation became workable? When I figured out where my boundaries needed to be. That took a bit of testing different things out, and every now and then she changed her style and my boundaries needed to change. There was a couple of times I sent her an email explaining that “When you did X, that was unacceptable.”

You can’t have a perfect sister with no mental illness. She has BPD, and there’s nothing you can do about that. Doesn’t mean you can’t have a relationship with her. But it will take a whole lot of work on your part to nail your communication skills, and your boundaries.

It can be done. And with my sister? It’s absolutely been worth it. Is it fair? Nope. But mental illness is like that.

She drove all that way to your house because she wants you in her life. And with BPD? Cutting contact completely (rather than, say, “Instead of coming to my place, how about we just have lunch halfway...”) is going to really impact her, because her acting out? Is directly proportionate to how much she fears being abandoned by you.