I 'stuffed' my emotional response to CSA for decades, pretending that it was the only way to deal with it, that I would disgust anyone to whom I disclosed my abuse.
Someone here wrote a metaphor that resonated with me: Trauma is like a rubber band that keeps getting stretched further, when it snaps back, it stings. For me, that 'sting' was arriving at a crisis - unable to control my mind and thinking about making a bad decision just to end the pain.
What kept me alive was friend confronted me about refusing therapy. Her message to me was that she is living proof that, with therapy, the pain can go away, that there is hope for all of us, and that therapy is essential. I came to the 'workable position' that I needed to surrender to the process in order to heal.
It has been worth every moment.
All of the above said, I'm now living with my authentic self and the more I do, the more I understand that my emotional responses are absolutely normal. And the more I work on them, the less impact they have on me - the less control my abuse still has on me after all of these years. It has been worth every moment. I may have already mentioned that. :)
There really is hope - for all of us.
