Processing Trauma without Talking about it

[piratelady]

I have one Trauma I can’t talk about. Therapist says we need to process it because when I do have nightmares it’s always about that one. I also blame myself for that incident and use it to say that I deserved the future abuse.

I can’t talk about it at all. Therapist said today that he noticed most of my emails refer to “the first incident” and we tried to talk about it. He just asked me yes and no questions do I could nod to. We’re not making much progress this way.

So a few things:

1. Hes told me repeatedly that I don’t have to tell him the details in order to process this. I do believe that, but I haven’t figured out a) what is the bare minimum I would need to tell him and b) how to even tell him that much.

2. Today he suggested I try either writing out what happened or typing it and then destroying it/deleting it. Is that actually helpful?

I just don’t quite know how to fix this memory.

 

[Deanna]

I just don’t quite know how to fix this memory

Trauma is something that can't get fixed on it's own. Just tell yourself you
you've kept it a secret for xxx number of years so you owe it to yourself to say it out loud. I had one thing that really bothered me for years and I finally told my therapist. Try it.. Just let it go..

 

[Freemartin]

I’ve had t sessions where I’ve clearly processed trauma shit without even telling t what it’s about. My t uses sensomotor/somatic methods, and sometimes all it takes is a vague memory, somatic responses and staying present. The trauma response takes its course, and somehow the cascade reaches its end. It’s weird but seems to work.

I’ve noticed, though, that the cognitive distortions, shame etc. that go with traumas need to be verbalized. They need to be brought to daylight and met with compassion.

My two cents. Might be different for other folks.

 

[whiteraven]

For me, talking about it doesn't really help. I think we're all different in how we process stuff; maybe learning to "sit" with it in therapy, without discussing it but allowing yourself to feel the emotions surrounding it might help.

 

[Friday]

2. Today he suggested I try either writing out what happened or typing it and then destroying it/deleting it. Is that actually helpful?

Its a kind of exposure therapy, which is one of the most effective ways of processing trauma. More on that below...

Dead Link Removed

 

[piratelady]

My t uses sensomotor/somatic methods, and sometimes all it takes is a vague memory, somatic responses and staying present.

I wonder if my therapist has done that with other memories. He never really tells me what we’re doing, we just do stuff that seems to help most of the time. Maybe I’ll google.

I’ve noticed, though, that the cognitive distortions, shame

I think Therapist agrees. After a few yes or no questions yesterday he asked if I could tell him anything I was feeling. When I said sadness and shame he says that’s what he was worried about and we would need to work on that. Really, what’s wrong with feeling ashamed if what I did was really disgusting?

Its a kind of exposure therapy, which is one of the most effective ways of processing trauma. More on that below...

I’ve read that before. When I first started my trauma diary I tried to use it like that, but I don’t think it really helped. Maybe that’s a sign that I don’t need to bother trying that with this memory.

 

[grit]

How does one ever recover or process or find relief a trauma that happened when they were like 6 months or one year or before in the womb? Especially if others know about this trauma and it is not about memory recovery. With that in mind, you do not have to talk about "it" truly if you do not want but, it may help if you are willing to talk about your beliefs (like it was your fault) and what you want to do about that.

You can break down the consequences of that event and what you need to get to in the future without every sharing the actual trauma. To add a bit of context, my traumatic childhood was just that 18 yrs of trauma, so what exactly am I to process? It is so metadata mixed with my blood that I focus how this shaped my personality, my mood, my present life and focus what I want to look like or be like or be good at in the future if I am not spending energy to conflicts I do not recall. This is one of the reasons I do not have trauma diary here...there is nothing particularly to talk about and yet everything. I am a fish that grow up in a cesspool. So in short, I do not discuss about when I was 5yrs old this happened, I discuss about I was or am unable to own this feeling or unaware and what to do about or I never learned that and I like to. Just present awareness of the impact is enough to release the pain and the grip of that trauma. IMHO.

You can do it too!

 

[Missycat]

How do you feel about writing it down and then letting him see it , maybe email him it then you arent sat in front of him.
I really struggled with this too - mostly due to shame and guilt. We agreed i would just download what i could on email and then send it to her. She would then ask me questions. It was almost as though i could talk a little about it if she asked the right questions ... it worked for me. I hope you manage to find a way as this appears to be blocking your progress .

 

[piratelady]

How do you feel about writing it down and then letting him see it , maybe email him it then you arent sat in front of him

We did this with other traumas we’ve talked about. This one, I can’t even write it down just for my own eyes. It’s just created too much anxiety.

 

[Missycat]

Im sorry its so tough for you. Have you considered emdr? You dont have to share any details when processing the trauma.

 

[Freemartin]

Really, what’s wrong with feeling ashamed if what I did was really disgusting?

I’m guessing you already know this can be questioned. Was the shame really on you? If you were forced/coerced, it shouldn’t be you who’s ashamed.

 

[Freida]

Really, what’s wrong with feeling ashamed if what I did was really disgusting?

This is at the bottom of my problem also. The thing that broke me. I am so ashamed that I splintered off screamer and just refuse to even acknowledge I was the one who did it. The thing I will never speak of. That's where emdr will come in. Because in emdr you remember the memory, but you can process the entire thing without actually speaking about it.

But in the meantime you can work on how you feel, how to lessen the shame, to understand why you feel shame in the first place.

My t nails me with this all the time....
What would you tell someone else who had done the same thing for the same reasons?
(You don't get to use "but it's different" if it is the EXACT same situation.)
Would you tell them that they should be ashamed of themselves?
Why, if they did the exact same thing for the exact same reasons, should they not be ashamed of themselves.
Look at that person. See them for who they are. See how young. See how defenseless. See how horrified by what is happening.
What would you tell them?

Whatever you tell them - you have to tell yourself.