Anxiety when everything is fine

[willhealeventually]

My son is having a friend over and they asked to get Burger King. I took them. My boy gently called me out when I was too intense during ordering... I snapped out of the aggressive mode, but was still feeling it.
When I got home, I felt that familiar heart burn sensation and a panic attack. I wondered why I was panicking even when things were fine. What’s worse is that the uncontrolled, blind aggression comes first and then The panic. It seems backwards.
In fact, things are better than fine. After a summer of being laid off, looking for jobs, and eventually finding a short contract, things were getting better. Last week, I learned that my contract is extended and I will be getting an immediate raise. That sounds great. My immediate fears of being able to provide for my kids are at bay.
Why am I panicking? And how frustrating that I can’t even tell until I’ve demonstrated an aggressive tone for no reason...

 

[joeylittle]

Even good stress...is stress. That extended contract and raise is great news, yes - but it's also change, and oftentimes change+PTSD=stress.

My son is having a friend over and they asked to get Burger King. I took them. My boy gently called me out when I was too intense during ordering... I snapped out of the aggressive mode, but was still feeling it.

Can you remember what was happening before you got intense with the ordering?

I've learned that - with myself, at least - sometimes the precipitating event before a symptom spike isn't necessarily the thing right before I showed the symptoms. You might try writing out events from earlier in the day, see if you can notice where the upset might have started.

 

[grit]

Either you have a very critical mind that works great to pull you down when you are up or you think often a person who either taught you are worthless or you witness others being taught same thing and you have not cleared the pipelines.
I could be wrong about you but in my experience, when happy and stressed it is core issues involving others.
It seems there someone maybe even your son you are trying to impress and it is not necessary and your body resist this over production.

Could be million things ...ask yourself during meditation why? Or what can you do for the body to rest and accept the good fortune that has been bestowed upon?

 

[willhealeventually]

Even good stress...is stress. That extended contract and raise is great news, yes - but it's also change, and oftentimes change+PTSD=stress.
Can you remember what was happening before you got intense with the ordering?

I've learned that - with myself, at least - sometimes the precipitating event before a symptom spike isn't necessarily the thing right before I showed the symptoms. You might try writing out events from earlier in the day, see if you can notice where the upset might have started.

That’s a good point.
I’ve been trying to trace it back. I think I’m afraid that the extended contract + raise = something I’m going to screw up with the ptsd, and that I probably won’t be able to see it coming or be able to control it...

 

[Deanna]

That’s a good point.
I’ve been trying to trace it back. I think I’m afraid that the extended contract + raise = something I’m going to screw up with the ptsd, and that I probably won’t be able to see it coming or be able to control it...

You have to have more confidence in yourself! You'll do well.. I think. What time in the morning do you start?

 

[joeylittle]

I think I’m afraid that the extended contract + raise = something I’m going to screw up with the ptsd, and that I probably won’t be able to see it coming or be able to control it...

Good observation.

How's your daily self-care? Do you have a routine that you can rely on, to help you manage your day-to-day?

And, you may want to pull apart that thought about screwing up...those amorphous future-based fears are really great (lol) contributors to stress.

 

[willhealeventually]

You have to have more confidence in yourself! You'll do well.. I think. What time in the morning do you start?

I have a 15 min commute and need to be at work by 8:30am. However, i need to have already gotten up at 6:45am, gotten my son ready for school, and dropped him off at school. I essentially get home and get ready for work after dropping him off...

 

[Deanna]

I have a 15 min commute and need to be at work by 8:30am. However, i need to have already gotten up at 6:45am, gotten my son ready for school, and dropped him off at school. I essentially get home and get ready for work after dropping him off...

Well... It's 8:30, so its better than 8 ( last job) and you wanted something around 9, so the time is in between. That's better than having to be there at 7:30 and arguing with your soon to be ex! You couldn't do it! Woo-hoi! You did it! Congrats! :happy: i think you just have the jitters.. But they like you!

 

[willhealeventually]

Well... It's 8:30, so its better than 8 ( last job) and you wanted something around 9, so the time is in between. That's better than having to be there at 7:30 and arguing with your soon to be ex! You couldn't do it! Woo-hoi! You did it! Congrats! :happy: i think you just have the jitters.. But they like you!

You are so right. I’m already feeling the benefits of a more relaxed morning. Even though I get up early, I’m just getting my kid ready - not rushing for a 40 min commute into a classroom of 30 kids flowing in every 45 min during the day.
I find it odd that my job likes me because, despite a lot of self-work, I still don’t like myself very much. There’s the usual ptsd self-talk of how I’m just fooling everyone and eventually they’ll catch on. Rationally, I know I’m likable because I get that feedback. But ptsd-wise, i feel like a fraud any time I experience success. My upcoming work will be to really study what i define as success/failure and better understand what my dealbreaking behaviors are for keeping my job. Do I still have them? What will it take to bring them out? I don’t have have answers but I do feel more hopeful - thank you!

 

[Sideways]

There’s the usual ptsd self-talk of how I’m just fooling everyone and eventually they’ll catch on.

This one is so awesome. It makes you feel bad when you’re feeling bad about yourself already. But on top of that, it makes things incredibly stressful when reasons to be feeling good come along as well.

So “I got a better job”, mix in a little bit of “I’m a fraud and at some point people are gonna catch on” and voila! Suddenly getting a better job is reason to start hating yourself again and be stressed out that something good has happened.

CBT that stuff. You got this job fair and square, and if you do your best at it, then “I’m a fraud” doesn’t even enter the picture. That core belief has no bearing on whether you deserve this job, or whether you’ll be good at it, or whether it will work out long term, or...

Being ready for trauma to be lurking round every corner comes along with beliefs that support that hypervigilance. “I’m a fraud” is a super common one for us.

Were you potentially mulling over your new job in the hours leading up to the trip at Burger King? If so, there’s your potential trigger for the stress spike. Thoughts are a really common trigger for anxiety and stress.

Fantastic to know, because if that’s the problem? You’re on your way to managing this. If you can practice being aware of your thoughts as they whiz through your head (aka mindfulness), then when you notice yourself ruminating on this new job? “Hello New Job thoughts - I know you lead me down the path of panic, so I’m going to put those thoughts aside for now and refocus my attention on the here and now”.

Rinse and repeat each time “new job” thoughts pop into your head. The thoughts will keep coming up - your brain is simply keeping itself busy. But if you can notice them, then you can choose to direct your attention elsewhere.