Ashamed of Angry Texting

[Sideways]

I hate the idea that the therapist has this information. I'm disgusted with myself for telling her about something so personal

I relate to this a lot (if that helps at all).

I remember walking away after sessions where I’d shared horrible things, trauma stuff, with my T. And for the rest of the week my head just kept turning over this sick feeling like “He’s going to understand how deeply disgusting I am now”, and how he was out there in the world, walking around with this stuff in his head, doing whatever he wanted with it, and I’d lost control of it - I couldn’t take it back. It would never be my awful secret anymore, I’d let it loose in the world.

That was really frightening to me. I felt incredibly vulnerable and disgusting.

If you can? Sit with it. As awful as it is? Don’t sabotage the awesome hard work you’ve just done by trying to convince her to hate you.

Because one of the parts of the process, which you’re going through right now - is your brain is having to relearn something that it’s believed, deeply, for years and years. Whereas “this is disgusting and I need to keep it secret” was once the status quo, that’s not true, and it’s no longer helpful.

But our brains relearning stuff takes time. It’s an adjustment process, not a single point in time, like a goal we achieve and get to just sail past.

If you can sit with this, journal about it, let it out here - over the coming weeks, your T gets to prove to you that there’s absolutely nothing disgusting or shameful about what you’ve told her (I know - like, what!?).

Next time you turn up at an appointment, she’s going to treat you exactly the same (or worse yet, with even more compassion). That’s a crucial part of your recovery. That’s going to help your brain start to rewire itself to: I don’t need to feel any shame about this any more. I’m still a loveable, worthy human, even when I do share this with someone.

Be gentle with yourself in the meantime. When you feel like the shame is unbearable and you need to fire off those “You need to hate me, I’m never coming back to therapy again” texts? Remind yourself that these are big, painful emotions that you’ve held in for a long time, and here they are finally coming out of your system. And even though they hurt, if you can find a way to just acknowledge them, and let them wash over? They pass. Eventually, they will pass.

And your T? Isn’t disgusted. You can start your next session by flat out asking her if that helps: Did what I tell you make you understand that I’m disgusting? Her answer will be uncomfortable. Nope, she doesn’t find you disgusting. Because even though you feel that way, you aren’t. And you have nothing to be ashamed of.

For me, its taking a long time to get used to that concept. But it’s getting easier. I still have that urge to push my T to tell me “the truth” - that secretly she’s revolted by me. Accepting that she doesn’t think I’m revolting? Is an important part of learning how to believe that myself.

 

[susannahsays]

I have asked her if she finds me disgusting and repulsive before. The text I sent that led to the OP actually insinuated to her that she had lied to me and that she does actually find me to be those things. Part of it said "And maybe since you probably do think I am bad (because I am and I LOVE IT), you are probably also like repulsed and disgusted and stuff and I don't care!"

Yikes. ?

 

[Sideways]

Ask her again if you need to at your next appointment. Maybe even try turning it into a statement that starts with “I feel like you should think...” if that helps at all. I get it, reckon your T will too.

 

[susannahsays]

I can't stand it. I need to cancel. I think I will call the receptionist and leave a message and then she won't even notice.

 

[HealingMama]

I am proud of you for even letting in your t this much. I can't bring myself to even do that. I see them strictly as a kind of mechanical support and don't even try to rely on them like you are. I am so impressed.

 

[Sideways]

Sorry it’s so tough. Hope you don’t cancel, and if you do, perhaps come back and book a new appointment when you can.

 

[piratelady]

I can't stand it. I need to cancel.

I recently disclosed the most disgusting thing I did to my therapist and had the same thoughts and feelings that you’ve described above. We’ve been talking through it for the last three weeks or so.

Every week he keeps telling me how he sees me no differently and how sad he is for me and how angry he is with my abuser. How he has to work to contain and deal with his feelings. I didn’t believe him at first and found it so hard to face him these last few weeks. But he hasn’t treated me differently. He’s been incredibly caring and helpful and slowly I’m starting to accept that what he’s saying might be true.

The reason I’m telling you this is the only way we would have made the tiny bit of progress that we have made was if I went back even though it was hard.

The first week I went back after my disclosure we only talked about that past incident for like 10-15 minutes before I couldn’t do it anymore. Then we changed the subject. You have control over your sessions, maybe go back, talk about it for just a little bit then switch to something easier.

 

[susannahsays]

I don't know. I'm scared I might throw up just from the anxiety of having to sit there. Even if we aren't talking about "it," that's what I'll be thinking about, and that she knows, and that she's looking at me.

I want to propose wearing a paper bag or pillowcase over my head, but I know that sounds completely nuts. Hell, maybe I should just have myself shipped to her office in a box for my session. I'm also fantasizing about some sort of voice-changer that I could strap across my mouth so she couldn't even hear my real voice.

The shame is consuming me.

Maybe I can at least pretend I had my eyes dilated and need to wear those hideous wraparound sunglasses. It's still too hot here to claim my face is cold and it makes sense to wear a balaclava, though. I think it was in the 80s today.

It would be great if she had a smoke machine like in a club running whenever I was there.

Maybe if I take my own contacts out I will be able to pretend she can't really make me out other than a vague shape, either.

Am I being avoidant? Probably. I am so uncomfortable.

 

[susannahsays]

I texted her earlier and asked if she had to look at me on Friday. I suggested she look at her window instead or anywhere except at me or a 1.5 ft radius surrounding me (maybe that was too big of an area...). She didn't respond. Then I got worried she would think I meant she needed to move 1.5ft away from me because of the way I worded things. I am not physically scared of the therapist, but I still wanted to correct any misperceptions. So I followed my earlier texts by saying she might need to move her clock (it sits on a bookshelf) so that it would be outside the 1.5ft perimeter.

Then she responded. She asked if we could talk about this on Friday and that she needs to know why I don't want her to look at me. I found this kind of frustrating since Friday is too late because she will already be eyeballing me at that point. I also felt really ashamed for asking her to do something dumb even though it would help me feel less terrified about going to my session. I hate asking for things. I hate it so much. I have even told her this. Feels horrible when I give someone the power to say no to me.

Anyway, I really tried to plead my case and said we could talk about it on Friday if we did that while she wasn't looking at me. And I told her I felt like I might actually throw up if she looked at me.

She answered that she's not sure she can talk to me without looking at me but maybe I can go back to not looking at her until we figure it out. I really have no idea what she's talking about with this "going back" to not looking at her because the only progress I've made is looking at her feet occasionally.

I didn't respond. I really might just cancel but I don't want to do that because I'm irritated with her for not giving me what I asked for, or because I'm now even more ashamed (which I would not have thought possible) because I asked for something and she said no.

I feel like a worthless sack of garbage that even the garbage man is too revolted by to put onto his truck.

 

[Sideways]

What are things you usually do to bring your distress levels down?

Your T’s response is fairly normal. She isn’t going to let your feelings of shame dictate her behaviour, and hopefully she’s going to work with you in not only reducing those feelings, but also helping you find that pause button between your emotions and the behavioural response to those emotions.

This is shame. It feels overwhelming and awful. And yeah, some of us puke occasionally from it. That’s actually okay.

But it’s a feeling. It isn’t a truth, you have nothing to be ashamed of - it’s a really really intense feeling.

Texting your T between appointments seems to be making situation more confused, rather than helping you. You’re walking down the mind-reading path again, and you just aren’t right about how your T feels.

So do whatever you can to self soothe. You will get through this, and your T is the best person to help you do that.

 

[susannahsays]

I get where you're thinking I'm mind reading and I'm certainly guilty of that with my weird little delusions. However, at the moment, I can't even identify any thoughts I'm having about stuff she might be thinking. That makes it really hard to talk myself down.

I think if/when I walk in there on Friday and she looks at me, I am going to feel incredibly violated in some way. It seems like a mistake to knowingly allow that to happen. Yes, I know it is irrational to feel violated by her just looking at me. But I am worried that is how I am going to feel and I don't see how that could possibly be helpful.

As for the texting, I was looking for a solution to my dilemma regarding cancelling my session. While I didn't get the answer I was hoping for, I guess I did get one.

I am calling and leaving the receptionist a VM to cancel. I can't afford to leave it too late and hopefully she can fill my slot with someone else. Maybe I will feel less sensitive to being looked at by the time the following session rolls around on Tuesday.

As for what I usually do to get my distress levels down, I don't have a whole lot of healthy coping mechanisms. I cuddle with my dog. However, I have an immense amount of schoolwork right now and none of my classes are going well so far this semester. Everything's actually going really badly and I'm usually a good student. So that's not helping anything. Plus I just moved and I don't have time to unpack, so am living in squalor. Overwhelmed is an understatement.

 

[Sideways]

I’m sorry you decided to cancel; because again, feeling violated is different from actually being violated. And it would be good to give your T an opportunity to work through those issues with you.