Ashamed of Angry Texting

[susannahsays]

I know feeling violated is different from being violated. That's why I said my feelings are irrational.

I just don't see a point in going there and feeling like that. I know myself and I would either say absolutely nothing or be really hostile because it does not feel safe to have her looking at me. I know that it is safe, but that really doesn't matter.

She doesn't deserve to be treated like she's done something horrible to me. I don't trust myself to behave in any sort of remotely acceptable way right now. I don't want to ruin everything just because I can't control myself, I know I can't control myself, and I choose to go in there anyway knowing that I won't be able to control myself.

 

[Friday]

Am I supposed to now feel better? Because I actually feel worse.

Sounds like trauma therapy, to me. Things get worse before they get better. Like rebreaking a bone that healed wrong, so it can heal right.

She answered that she's not sure she can talk to me without looking at me but maybe I can go back to not looking at her until we figure it out. I really have no idea what she's talking about with this "going back" to not looking at her because the only progress I've made is looking at her feet occasionally.

I think if/when I walk in there on Friday and she looks at me, I am going to feel incredibly violated in some way. It seems like a mistake to knowingly allow that to happen. Yes, I know it is irrational to feel violated by her just looking at me. But I am worried that is how I am going to feel and I don't see how that could possibly be helpful.

1. What @Sideways said. All of it. This is shame.

2. By giving YOU (reminding you if you’ve forgotten or teaching you if you’ve never learned) YOU the power to look away, rather than making you helpless before her, it strengthens you AND her ability to help you. Depending on her to look away? Means she could hurt you, entirely on accident, with -literally- the flick of an eye. It also infantilizes you, rendering you totally dependent on someone else, instead of empowering you and helping you learn to trust yourself.

I just don't see a point in going there and feeling like that.

So that you never have to feel like that about your trauma, or anyone knowing about your trauma, nor have any other symptom set surrounding your trauma... after you’ve processed through it... ever again? Not because you never talk about it again, or never think about it again, or never tell anyone, or are never reminded... but because the power of it to cause these reactions? Will be gone. It won’t gut you, shame you, make you shake and puke, lash out, shatter you, keep you awake at night, wake up screaming, or have any of the other effects it has on you right now. That’s the point of processing trauma. To break the connection it has to your present.

Also, so that the 2 of you can work through all of the hard stuff that comes up, like feeling violated by a look, as a direct result of dealing with unprocessed trauma... until the connection is broken.

So it’s 2 fold... a better future and a better present.

 

[unbrokenwarrior]

Everything that @Friday said.

Please know that how your brain thinks might not be correct and its disordered thinking. Know that your therapist knows how to deal with these things correctly even if you think you know what is best. Trauma therapy is never easy, it will be hard but a future without all of this affecting you like how it is now will be so rewarding. Please don't cancel your appointment. Your therapist has your best interests at heart, trust her.

 

[susannahsays]

Everything that @Friday said.

Please know that how your brain thinks might not be correct and its disordered thinking. Know that your therapist knows how to deal with these things correctly even if you think you know what is best. Trauma therapy is never easy, it will be hard but a future without all of this affecting you like how it is now will be so rewarding. Please don't cancel your appointment. Your therapist has your best interests at heart, trust her.

I don't think I would say that I think I know what's best. But I disagree with the idea that somebody else necessarily knows what will be best for me by virtue of her profession. I might not know best, but I do know myself very well indeed and better than the therapist does. She really has no clue what I am capable of. Maybe she thinks my outbursts are confined to texts and there's no danger that I might do that face to face. I have no idea. But I am entirely capable of going from 0 to 100 in a millisecond and I won't be able to de-escalate if that happens. It's been a long time since I screamed at someone out loud. But I haven't forgotten the looks of horror and fear that my explosive rage can cause. I think it's entirely possible I could escalate to property damage.

I think I said before that I want to burn everything down until I'm surrounded by smouldering ruins. The only way I feel I can preserve things so that they don't get burnt to a crisp is to not screw everything up by trying to go to any appointments while I am a fire hazard. If that were to happen, I'd be on my own with nobody to help me. I would also probably never risk telling anybody else my history.

 

[Ronin]

to not screw everything up by trying to go to any appointments while I am a fire hazard.

That is *all* the reasons to go to appointments with a therapist.

Because being alone with ideation crossing to compulsions is gonna make them worse.
It will also likely make worse the shame and all the bad juju feeding into it.

FYI, if she is good at her job? She will know how to address it or refer you to someone who does.

I told my T a lot of ideation in the past month, all of which Im perfectly capable of doing. Long D.I.D. story short, it was grating on my nerves.
Her response? So... You are stressed out... and these mundane tasks are too much, because your mind is on something else now....?

... Which was it. No big drama. Laughter & cold drinks time. Exactly right. Exactly right about the issue, too. I was stressed out, and needing time off.

 

[susannahsays]

I don't get it. How is going to an appointment where I will screech at her, insult her, curse her out, and destroy her belongings a good idea? She would probably call the cops, and I'd be too incensed to leave the premises before they arrived. I am not talking about ideation. Those are not things I at all want to do, nor am I having any sort of intrusive thoughts about doing those things. I don't feel compelled to do them. That makes it sound as if I think before I act.

Those are all things I have done, they aren't confined to ideation fantasies. I don't really understand why I shouldn't try to avoid being terminated and possibly even arrested for behavior that I can predict.

 

[susannahsays]

Anyway, doesn't matter. I notified already.

 

[Ronin]

How is going to an appointment where I will

You come to her office, & start of with I feel like (those actions) / I fear I might (those actions) / I was thinking of... etc. Without doing them. You are an adult & can address it as one.

That makes it sound as if I think before I act.

Sounds you do.
Not thinking someone would not have several weeks long thread trying to figure it all out. :)
Nor would you be worried about what is the right way of dealing with this, or how to not do any damage.

Those are all things I have done, they aren't confined to ideation fantasies.

Because you can do differently now, & you can do better.
Instead of allowing yourself to do them again...
Or avoiding the work necessary to deal with them as issues.

 

[susannahsays]

I have discussed when I have wanted to do things before, but that was different. This feels more like you're asking me to go get a physical and not move my leg when the doctor uses the reflex mallet on my knee.

Due to the trigger - her looking at me - I can't just go there and have a discussion. I will be beyond rational conversation before we even get started. Which is why I asked her to avert her gaze. I said we could talk about why I needed that, but I would need for her to not be looking at me in order to do that.

Yes, I can think before acting while I'm sitting here in my house and she's not looking at me. I can also choose to think before acting in that I am not going to just hope for the best that this time will be the time I am able to control myself. But when I feel like a cornered animal, no, I don't think before acting.

 

[Ronin]

Due to the trigger - her looking at me - I can't just go there and have a discussion.

But you need to work on that trigger, someone looking at you (I missed if that is generic, just her, or who concrete trigger)... and that reaction, eventually. It cant be avoided indefinitely.

But when I feel like a cornered animal

See, but that is your feeling... She is not cornering you.
She is just looking, for entirely normal reasons.
The same way she would look at everybody else.

Nor can her looks hold you. You can leave her office, and that is it. No lashing out needed.

 

[piratelady]

For what it’s worth, one thing I just learned about shame and the triggers, fears, and feelings associated with it is: part of the healing is having someone know and then treat you the way you should be treated; the way you least expect. Having someone know and then offer help, being caring, showing you why you don’t need to be ashamed. It gives you the start of a healthy ending that can put that memory and all the triggers and feelings that go with it to rest.

You’ve taken step 1, your therapist knows. Don’t rob yourself of the benefits that can be reaped from that disclosure.

I get that you’re volatile right now. You know yourself better than anyone here does. But maybe it’s not all or nothing. Maybe your text to your therapist could be something like “I’m worried I might become destructive when we meet. Can we speak on the phone prior to our next appointment to discuss how to get through this?” Then she can use her skills as a therapist to help you navigate through this prior to seeing her so you can heal.

 

[Sideways]

Due to the trigger - her looking at me - I can't just go there and have a discussion. I will be beyond rational conversation before we even get started.

Consider calling back and bringing the appointment forward.

The longer this discussion goes on, the more you seem to be intent on convincing yourself of all the dire things that will happen.

You’re in therapy for trauma. You shared with your T. You’re feeling incredibly vulnerable, and huge amounts of shame. Your T is best placed person right now to help you move through these overwhelming emotions.

A lot of us know what you’re going through. And yeah, sometimes we go into an appointment and behave completely unreasonably at someone who doesn’t deserve it.

And you know what? The sky doesn’t fall in. I did something “call the cops” worthy because of shame at an appointment. I lost a fairly good T over it. Helpful actually, because it helped me prioritise getting my behaviour under control.

But the sky doesn’t fall in.

Everything else you’re talking about? Throwing things, burning things, yelling at her, behaving completely outrageously when she looks at you? None of those things have actually happened. For all you know you’ll go in there and react completely differently. Or maybe you’re right, and you yell.

But you have 2 options here: keep going with this amazing progress you’ve made, and let this person actually help you learn how to manage and move through these overwhelming options.

Or not. Stop. No forward motion. Stall.

The sky won’t fall in either way. The only person who is going to benefit (or not) from you actually facing this next appointment? Is you. The only person who’s recovery will stall if you lean in to avoidance tactics? Is you.