Military Getting Back into it Make it Worse?

[NotACombatVet]

So I'm not a Military Vet, but did a decade in the intel community - which definitely has resulted in some PTSD, then anxiety, then depression. I eventually couldn't take the months of nightsweats, waking up screaming etc, and walked away from that life (benefit of no contract for sure).

I'm just starting to get better, find medications and strategies that work etc. There's definitely been a time in the past month where I went full PTSD-rage-panic and blacked out etc, all caused by new triggers etc. But we've moved passed the all morning and all evening, and then all day crying etc. Losing it and ending up walking around the city for hours just out of it etc. Generally on the right path where I'm starting to look for work again.

The problem is, with the very specific skillset and limited amount of financial runway me and my family have - I'm faced with the reality of having to get back into that life. There's not much support on the civilian side once you leave if you have any issues like this - so my question I guess is to all you combat vets who suffer(ed) from PTSD, and went back.

I know with the training I've had and my mental fortitude (I hope) I'll be able to accomplish the mission for the length of time I'll be on the hook for - and we're not talking a 2 year stint down-range.

But have you found going back/re-upping to be a mistake? Did it make things worse on the other end? Or did it help you cope with the "I left everybody behind and everybody down" part of it?

 

[Ronin]

Welcome aboard. :)

Did it make things worse on the other end?

Nah, better. Im a f*ckup on a not working / small side gigs that amount to nothing, side of things. For many reasons, different disorders at play included... Work keeps them in check, and is enough stimulating / exhausting as hell, same thing, but productive.

Or did it help you cope with the "I left everybody behind and everybody down" part of it?

I have this when either out, or far away enough to feel out.
Reframing on both helps a lot / just because far does not mean not doing anything, just because close and not working out may not be on me, or just on me... and not worrying about it for the day. The day, the week, the month, goals matter. Everything else is not my concern at the time. Those are paperwork, and I hate worrying about paperwork, thats others job. :)

To people left behind? Yeah. Usually guts me. But I left lifetimes, continents, children behind. Others I tried not to, got the bad ends without me. I figure since I live with that, everything else is a small bzzt.

Edited to add, if that is How do you deal with people home, and being somewhere else, years on end?
Remembering who Im doing things for.
In, everything done far is exactly so homes, are safe.

 

[Cypress]

I have also worked in operational settings for many years. I came back to a domestic position a couple of years ago so I could start PTSD therapy and it has been 100% worth it even though it is incredibly painful at times.

However, I recently took a field assignment for financial reasons and even though I am doing tele-therapy, it is definitely not helping my PTSD to be here again. Another thing I have noticed is that the field is full of people with PTSD who can get by in these restrictive settings but can't manage everyday life and relationships at home and we feed off of each other's distorted thinking. These places as you know, are not real life. Home is real life no matter how hard it is.

I think there is a niche for special skill sets that don't require travel though. I have seen many colleagues transition into domestic teaching/training/analysis/logistical positions both within government and in the private sector. When I went back home, the agency I work for found a place for me doing something similarly dull but I appreciated it because it gave me the emotional space to focus on therapy.

I guess what I'm saying is try not to go back out, nothing gets better out here.