No More Trauma Bonds

[Strangelongtrip]

Something I’m struggling with right now is that I’m not attracted to relationships that don’t mimic or create trauma bonds. Because of this I avoid even trying to date or push people away. I’d like to date, to meet new people (in my logical mind..not in my trauma brain), but I don’t really see a point to it because every time I go on a date with someone there’s not a second date. I feel safe and comfortable on these dates and even find the people interesting and attractive physically, like women I find beautiful and kind. I know relationships build over time but I want that instant spark I feel when someone provides....well essentially either something to save or something that reminds me of the instability or push and pull of relationships I “enjoy”. I just give up if it doesn’t feel like they’re going to devour me. It doesn’t feel real, or genuine. I do tend to fall for emotionally unavailable people and even thought someone had mutual feelings for me but she pushed me away, but I also have given up on cultivating new friendships because I feel like they’ll never have the strength of friendships I’ve experienced through and with trauma. It doesn’t excite me and recently I’ve really wanted a thrill, something to excite me and make me feel alive. I feel like I can’t experience that through something that isn’t a trauma bond so why try? I barely even attempt with people in conversation if they’re not talking about something intense. I went on one date that was great and I said I would see her again and...I said immediately after the date to my best friend she seems too normal like she wouldn’t understand me so why try? I’ve gotten to the point I don’t actively seek out dangerous relationships or relationships with people I’m not attracted to, but it kind of feels like I’m not even attracted to anyone unless I can keep them at a distance or they’re bad for me. My last second date was a year ago. I’ve even stopped looking on apps and found people organically and the move is there but I never make the move and I just feel like something is wrong with me.

 

[Ronin]

Maybe how you look at it.
Because in trauma may be seen as extremely boring and shallow. Sustained only by ol good bad times.

Take away the trauma bond, are they still someone you would go see, if you had a bad day? << How I tell myself if its adrenaline junkie me talking, or reality.

 

[PreciousChild]

@Strangelongtrip , I totally get what you're talking about. When I first started dating after my divorce in 12 years ago, I wasn't even conscious of what I was doing as you seem to be. I would complain bitterly that there weren't any good people to date, and then I would think back and remembered the men I turned down and wondered what was wrong with them again? At the time, I just either got bad "vibes" or thought there was something off. I would say now that my trauma brain was simply selecting out the "normies." I would further say that I was probably unconscioulsy protecting myself because a part of me probably thought that they would eventually reject me as flawed and unloveable so why bother? I can say that my dating patterns have changed as I've healed. My bf is not perfect but wants to attend to my needs, be supportive, and is himself independent, competent, and doing well.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

Take away the trauma bond, are they still someone you would go see, if you had a bad day?

This is good to think about, thank you! I have friends like this, and love them dearly, I guess I could "hack" my brain into thinking about this in romantic relationships.

I would further say that I was probably unconscioulsy protecting myself because a part of me probably thought that they would eventually reject me as flawed and unloveable so why bother?

This really hooked me. I definitely feel these things. I think maybe I've got to work on self-esteem and self-love some more!!

My T and I talked about this today, how I also seek out external stimuli to not be bored (or I did--or I think that that is what "life" really is, is a thrill), and he asked me what I was trying to escape from my doing these things. I guess it's myself I'm trying to escape from. I do love myself, but it's more like the tolerant love of someone putting up with a bratty younger cousin. I don't really want to accept myself yet, I think maybe I could change myself some more and then I could love myself. If I were skinnier, or my hair were longer, or I had accomplished these external things.

 

[PreciousChild]

I've heard before people who have been abused in childhood say that "normies" are boring. I guess it's a way of dismissing them and defending the familiar patterns of intense emotions at the same time. We might hate it, but a lot of the emotional turmoil we acquired is not something we can control, so I think we're motivated to defend and justify that part of us. And if normies think we're "bad", it's because they're too uptight and boring to let loose and be free.

Acceptance is key! I know for me, acceptance was not as easy as it sounded. It's easy to accept the parts that are acceptable to me. The hard part was to truly accept and integrate the shamed and banished parts of myself. It was so hard to embrace the ugly, stupid, hateful parts, until I realized that they were unfairly depicted that way and they needed a chance to be brought in the circle to heal. But first, I had to overcome the absolute threat to my existence that they represented because they were banished in order for my functional self to survive in the first place.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

I guess it's a way of dismissing them and defending the familiar patterns of intense emotions at the same time.

I did this a lot in teenage-dom lol, I honestly felt like I couldn't be friends with people who didn't wear their trauma on their sleeves (sometimes literally with tattoos lol) even though on the outside I looked totally "normal"--like I interned in politics at this time, I looked so clean cut and exactly like the person I wouldn't want to hang out with? Weird. I started rejecting that and seeing that even the people I thought were normal had trauma. I don't know if that's just another distortion, but maybe just an example. I have felt rejected by these people who look normal on the outside but I'm not so sure if that's just my brain projecting.

Acceptance is key! I know for me, acceptance was not as easy as it sounded. It's easy to accept the parts that are acceptable to me. The hard part was to truly accept and integrate the shamed and banished parts of myself.

Thank you @PreciousChild ! I think this is the big step, it's just so hard.

 

[Vero]

@Strangelongtrip I can totally relate to what you are saying, I only seem to want to get close to people who are emotionally unavailable, who appear to reject me or I have to fight for their attention. However, if they start caring about me I want to push them away believing I'm not worthy of them and just assume from the very beginning that they are going to end up hurting/abandoning me because they will get to know me better and not like me for who I truly am. This goes with friendships too. A lot of times I struggle thinking of how much I would want a dating relationship but deep down I'm afraid I would sabotage myself if I get into one...

 

[Strangelongtrip]

This goes with friendships too. A lot of times I struggle thinking of how much I would want a dating relationship but deep down I'm afraid I would sabotage myself if I get into one...

I often give up on friendships because of this, don't let them close anymore but keep them at a distance, but it's not as easy to do that with relationships (more shrapnel in the process).

 

[Recovery1st]

@Strangelongtrip I really relate to this. I think not only did I feel I wasn't worthy of being loved and cared for, it was like I felt as though I needed to earn the bits of love, kindness and affection I did receive. Any guy I met that treated me like a lady and was sweet and carrying towards me, I ran from l like they were the plague. ALL of my 3 kids' dad's were verbally, physically, mentally, emotionally, and even sexually abusive. But I believed they loved me and I them. And every guy after same thing. I realize now, in hindsight, that just as a child of sexual abuse, I had to earn and prove I was worthy of love and compassion. Luckily for me I did finally break that cycle. But more so because he was persistent and came back at the right time even though I had dropped him like a hot potato and ran. So it is possible to change those beliefs. Btw...he's very loving and supportive a busy body and lots of fun, always joking and sarcastic, and definitely not boring. But in a much healthier way?

 

[Strangelongtrip]

Thank you @Recovery1st I do the same thing, people who treat me well don't make sense to me. But it's good to know someone is able to overcome it!!