Feeling exposed after telling about ptsd

[PreciousChild]

I recently revealed to my bf some of the things that happened in my childhood that resulted in my ptsd and went into more detail than I ever have, like how my mom watched me attempt suicide and told me not to fail because she was worried that I'd be a burden as a coma victim. I thought he would be receptive, and he was really nice, at least on the surface. But now I'm very worried that I revealed too much, and that he'll reject me because I'm too damaged. He has said that me and his son are the best things in his life and that he feels very lucky to have met me. But maybe he has changed his mind after finding out that my parents did some things that were so horrible that I could not possibly be well or be a reliable human being.

I know that probably my ptsd will make me catastrophize this. But there's also the reality that damaged people will do damaged things, and I wouldn't blame him for wondering if I'm okay. I really need some perspective here. Has anyone lost bfs by telling about their ptsd? Did it change the relationship for the worst by telling about the ptsd? I'm trying to live by my credo that my truth is good enough and that in order to live authentically, I want to share parts of myself with my bf. I feel that we've known each other long enough - for about a year. But maybe it's too much, too soon?

 

[Sideways]

Do you remember writing this less than a month ago:

So I think a part of what conditions my codependency is the fact that I have developed a pattern not to focus on my own needs. I think it might even rise to the level of a phobia.

You've told him. You know why you told him (to be authentic). Yes, it's a lot to tell someone.

But it's in his hands now. So, instead of leaning back in to the co-dependency thing ("What is he going to do now he knows?"), re-focus on you.

You feel vulnerable right now. That's okay. What is something you can do, for you, that might help you feel safe again?

 

[PreciousChild]

@Sideways, omg. Way to throw my words back at me. I know you're right. I don't regret speaking my truth. I'm going to focus on the importance for me to live authentically. Thank you. I know people have posted this type of thread before, and I'm going to look back for them. But when it's you who's feeling exposed, it feels so bad. I really love my bf and if he rejects me over this, I will definitely be struggling with feeling unloveable, despicable and damaged beyond help. It'll confirm the sense that my parents were right to treat me as they did. But I know I'm strong enough to face such a possibility and learn from it and if he does embrace this part of me, it'll go so far in my healing process.

 

[hithere]

I can understand how you feel and it's very unpleasant. Has he told you any thing about him self or his past or things he wouldn't tell anyone else? I think if he hasn't then it would make me feel more vulnerable. But if he has shared intimate thoughts, or past issues that he has not shared with others freely then I would focus on that.

 

[Friday]

Reframe?

feeling unloveable, despicable and damaged beyond help.

if you aren’t already working on these as core beliefs? (Although I suspect you may be) Ding! Ding! Ding! ^^^ These suckers. ^^^ Also? Perhaps? That either wholecloth other people have -even a single person has- that much power over you / the right to make that decision -or- in loving someone you grant them that “right” (to make a decision not for their own life, but for who you are as a person). Someone breaking up with us doesn’t mean we’re unloveable, despicable, and damaged. It’s a decision they’re making for their own lives. Which can hurt if we want to be a part of their lives, and want them in ours. But it only tells us where they are going not who we are. So if you’re not working on “Other people decide my value as a person” &/or “Other people decide how I think and feel about myself.” on your List? It might be one to consider.

It'll confirm the sense that my parents were right to treat me as they did.

Worst case scenario... someone / anyone.... directly says your parents were right to treat you that way and they wish they could applaud them, and more parents did what your perfect parents did? Says nothing about you. It says nothing about your parents. It says nothing about your life. All it says is that person is a motherf*cking asshole who needs to be immediately excised from you & your children’s lives. Their opinion? Tells you about them. Not about you, and not about your parents, and not about your life. Just about the kind of person they are.

And that’s the worst case scenario; that he agrees with your worst fears. Doesnt mean that you have to accept anything “better” than worst case, if it’s not what you need & want in a partner. Because all his reactions? Will tell you about him. Not you. Pay attention to how he reacts, not to change who you are, but to decide if you want HIM. And all the shades of grey in between. He learned something about your past, but you’re learning about who he is, right here and right now.

 

[Sideways]

Sorry, I wasn't trying to throw your words back at you.

You'd discussed in another thread your issue with co-dependency. I can understand the vulnerable feeling, but you have it within you to make yourself feel safe again. It's the co-dependency telling you that your boyfriend's reaction will determine if you're a good person or not.

That's simply not true. You are a good person, however he reacts. And you have the capacity to make yourself feel safe again.

 

[grit]

It appears from my perspective that you are actually extremely in a healthy way a very mature person. I am noticing your posts are very all about you - the core self like when you are in therapy...more or less. Or you are so out of your self and over function as other...call it codependency or whatnot.
Both sides are matured and healthy but you either one or the other....rather than balancing the anxiety of being human, you go too far and dangle without support of your other side. Self vs other.
This is my opinion.

Your innate love for yourself becomes inferior to the love from the other.
It is like this...a therapist may validate us and that is good and we all need that but...we have to learn how to validate us....so we can hold ourselves until the next validation from someone we care. Both validations are important and needed for human but if you lose one you can manage for while.

Now rather than validating your feelings, humanity, vulnerability, you are negating it by focusing his validation of you. What if truly he cannot do that? So I recommend you use I rather than you or he.
I feel damaged. And find a way to ellievate that. I feel shame showing my vulnerable side...find a way to to recover.
All of sudden you are focused on self and healing rather than making it about him.

Long winded way but I hope you find your inner love. I have been by the beach in OBX few days and may be talking out of my ass.

Good luck. You have a lot of strength...but you dangle too far off from each branch.

 

[PreciousChild]

I found your posts very reassuring. Thank you. Just to have people understand what my experience is is so helpful. As an update, my bf has been in touch throughout the day by text, and I feel that he's being extra attentive and asking me about my day. So I think this is going to turn out to have a happy ending. But despite what is happening in reality, I still have to process what is going on internally. I'm certain that I'll have other moments of insecurity with him, though this was a first in terms of how much I shared with him about my past.

But if he has shared intimate thoughts, or past issues that he has not shared with others freely then I would focus on that.

This is a good idea. I'm putting that in my back pocket for the next time.

Someone breaking up with us doesn’t mean we’re unloveable, despicable, and damaged. It’s a decision they’re making for their own lives. Which can hurt if we want to be a part of their lives, and want them in ours. But it only tells us where they are going not who we are. So if you’re not working on “Other people decide my value as a person” &/or “Other people decide how I think and feel about myself.” on your List? It might be one to consider.

This is such a good reminder. When I get triggered in this way, I don't even have the distance to identify and question the very idea that someone else can or should determine my worth. I just feel vulnerable to being judged and condemned. If my bf was in fact unable to handle my past, that's all it says - that he's unable to handle another person's traumatic past. That doesn't mean I have less value as a person. You also talked about how what kind of a person would judge me for what my parents did to me. That's true, but don't you think that a person could, in fact worry that you having had abuse in your past might leave you more likely to abuse or whatever? I think I would be cautious too. And someone having to be cautious around me would still feel like judgment.

I appreciate your comments, but one thing I want to push back on is the fact that I'm okay being in a vulnerable state. Even if I didn't have cptsd, I would have times when I feel exposed and vulnerable. I think exposing oneself and taking risks helps one to grow and I do that deliberately even if my brain has a bad reaction to it. If I didn't open myself up to pain, I wouldn't be in this position now to be caught by my bf and get the experience of having that side of myself seen and embraced. When someone does that for you when they don't have to, I think that expedites healing and building trust in ways that would take me a long time to do alone or perhaps ever. I think that the balance has to be that I have to prepare to dust myself off and fill in any voids that are left unfilled.

Sorry, I wasn't trying to throw your words back at you.

I didn't mean that sarcastically. I thought it was actually very cool that you bothered to find a quote of mine to help make the point.

It's the co-dependency telling you that your boyfriend's reaction will determine if you're a good person or not.

So I think that might be my pattern - overdetermining the role my bf has over my sense of well-being. I hated being in that position when I was a child, and here I am giving the power of myself to my bf. I do maintain though as above that perhaps a little bit of that is healthy in the sense that by allowing myself to be vulnerable, I do give him some power over me. But I do think the intensity of my focus on his approval is very suggestive of codependency.

Now rather than validating your feelings, humanity, vulnerability, you are negating it by focusing his validation of you. What if truly he cannot do that? So I recommend you use I rather than you or he.
I feel damaged. And find a way to ellievate that. I feel shame showing my vulnerable side...find a way to to recover.
All of sudden you are focused on self and healing rather than making it about him.

I appreciate this. Instead of focusing on his validation of me, focus on myself and healing. I can't control his reactions, but I can always focus on myself and healing.

 

[pam4him]

First, remember we are not mind readers. Try to listen to what he says, not what you think he is thinking. He sounds wonderful and deserves the benefit of the the doubt that he believes you and is wanting to be there for you. Be thankful he wonders if you are okay, because it sounds like he genuinely cares. My now husband listened and hurt for me when I shared some of my past with him. He was angry about what happened, but wanted to be there to support me. We've been through some things and I've been in and out of counseling for various issues, and he has stayed by my side through it all. These men are rare and it seems you've also found one. Try some gratitude journaling, noting his positive reactions, how he makes you smiles, how he treats you and your son, etc. then re-read it when you feel yourself playing the what if game. Lastly, perhaps in a comfortable time, ask him if what you shared has changed how he feels. I think he'll assure you that it hasn't. We all have baggage, but what a blessing when we find someone to share the load. Prayers for peace.

 

[Friday]

I appreciate your comments, but one thing I want to push back on is the fact that I'm okay being in a vulnerable state.

How is this pushing back? Not sure what I said that lead you to this.

 

[Tinyflame]

@PreciousChild , I don't think it's codependent to fear judgment or, what's the word?- rejection or abandonment. Though true it doesn't reflect on your worth, all relationships flow from how we see and treat each other, and much of anyone's feelings of worth are formed by what other's reflect back.

However, it isn't necessarily fair to expect the worst from him, for that would be judging his character. Similarly, if it's more than an acquaintance why not be honest? To not be honest wouldn't really be helpful to being yourself, and if you can't feel accepted as yourself, or be truthful, it can't bring much growth or happiness.

Best wishes to you.

 

[PreciousChild]

Thanks @pam4him. Sounds like you found a supportive person to share your life with. Those are good suggestions - to really listen to him and to note his positive reactions to remember during times of insecurity. I think that compounding my sense of insecurity is that my ex husband (divorced for a dozen years) and my ex bf (broke up a year ago after dating for 1.5 years) were not able to support me in the ways I needed, and actually deepened my sense of being unloveable and frequently abandoned me for pissing them off. I think I need more time with my bf to open up more fully. But this latest exchange added to my sense of security.

@Friday, I thought that your good suggestions and advice skewed towards resolving my problem which is perfectly reasonable. I just wanted to add that I could see the value of feeling vulnerable in and of itself, and I don't feel the need to avoid it to feel productive.

@Tinyflame, thank you for your thoughts. That's a different way of looking at it - the idea that assuming he'll reject me is actually judging his character. It's hard to see things objectively while triggered. I was in the frame of mind that he has the right to make judgments about who is a suitable gf and possible guardian of his son and what kind of history might she have? As for being honest, I agree. If it did happen to me, then to lie about it or cover it up would mean that somehow, there are parts of me that I find to be unacceptable. It's okay to be discrete, but after being with my bf for a year, I think it was reasonable to want him to know me more fully. Having made that choice, I also think it was unavoidable that I struggle with feeling exposed. I am processing this experience and it's really helpful to get feedback from folks who can understand the struggles and who can provide some really good insights and advice. Really, really appreciate this forum.