I want to leave therapy but anxious to lose support

[hithere]

I started therapy over 3 years ago and was in a painful therapy situation for three solid years. It took me from March 2019 to August 2019 to quit seeing that painfully toxic therapist. I was only able to leave with the assistance of another therapist. So the withdrawal symptoms of leaving that toxic therapy have finally started to dissipate. I'm not suffering as much or as often over it. The new therapist has been very helpful, and some of the things the new guy has been telling me have sunk in and I'm starting to believe it. It's really expensive as it's private pay, no insurance.

I'm not going to try trauma therapy ever again, and my nervous system has calmed down. I don't see the point of going back and spending that much money on therapy, when I could use the money to do something for myself and have fun, or buy something I would actually want. (this is a big improvement to want to spend money for fun things for myself.)

I spread the next session out 3 weeks. So my issue is I start to feel panicky and lost thinking about not having that spot in therapy. I don't have any strong attachment to the new guy, so I also think it's best to stop going before that happens. However, I have no desire to ever talk about traumatic events again, so there's really no need to even get attached to a therapist.

I'm pretty sure I can make it on my own, but still that nervous feeling of what if I become suicidal or gloomy. I still feel lost in this life, but I can accept that and move on. Has anyone quit therapy with all these anxious fears of not being able to go without therapy, and still managed?

 

[flowerapple]

I haven't gotten to that point as yet where I see myself completely stopping therapy, and right now I can't picture it. I do hope to reach that point one day though where I will be able to see myself not having to go and being able to manage on my own, so congrats to you on reaching that point.

However, there was a point where I was in-between therapists because my old therapist was leaving and I didn't really connect with her replacement, so I was looking for one outside that. The search though wasn't going that great, but luckily, I still had some time with her left before she was leaving. So, she suggested we plan the remaining sessions as if I was ending therapy, in case I don't find one before she left, which ended up being the case. She suggested this:

For my remaining sessions, we began to stagger them, putting more and more time in-between each session until they ended, to get me used to having to deal with stressors without her, while still having her there in case. From what you wrote, it seems like this might not be so much of a problem for you as you seem confident in your ability to manage yourself.

What's important though, is to plan for the "just in-case" and the "what-if." have a plan in case for if something happens and for whatever reason you just don't seem to be able to manage. So you can bring this up with your therapist. You know, just have a list of self-care ideas (even if you know them in your head, have it written or typed up somewhere because in the moment, you might forget, or you might remember and not feel to do it, and maybe just seeing it on a piece of paper would be helpful and perhaps motivating,.. IDK).

Maybe he can give you a list of crisis line phone numbers to call for in the moment, and not all of them are suicide lines. Some lines are also distress lines, so you don't have to be near the edge to call, you can just be having a problem and just want to talk things through with someone, and they can also suggest things to you as well.

Also, what is key is to have a support system, a group of family or friends or whoever, who you can call on and rely on when you're having a hard time. It doesn't even have to be where you go to them and talk about the problem, but just people you go to when your feeling down who can lift your mood a bit.

Just try best to have a step-by-step plan of what you could/would do if anything were to happen that ends up setting you back. I found doing all this was very helpful in that period because it ended up taking me a year before I found a new therapist I felt comfortable enough with to stop searching, and during that year, there were quite a few times that I felt like I was finished, but having the plan was useful and helpful in getting me through it. Just knowing I had a plan, that I had a list of tools and resources I could use was comforting to me.

You aren't going to feel completely ready to leave because it's a huge step, and it's unknown in the sense that you can't predict the future. And maybe for the first couple weeks or months, you may struggle a bit, but it might help to think about what the money your saving can go towards. Maybe make a bucket list of things you want to do or places you want visit, and you can think of that as well. Like I've always wanted to go to Italy, so when times get tough, I try to plan how my trip would go. Like I would definitely want to visit Pompeii, so I would go and read up things on it, and watch videos on it. I find that thinking about that, that thinking about the future is really helpful for me. I often get stuck in the past going over and over it, and when I'm struggling, I find that thinking about the present isn't helpful because in that present moment I'm depressed. Even thinking about the future I see from that point, isn't helpful either because in that moment the future looks bleak and impossible. But thinking about something I would love to do, and imagining going and what I would see and do. It's helpful to me because the way I see it, it's not just the future, but it's an alternate future, one that can potentially be true. I don't know how to completely explain it but it's like the future I see when I'm depressed isn't just the future but it's the fact of my life, but that alternate future is also a fact of life, just not my life, not as yet, but if I make it through this, it could be because I can then make the steps to make it happen, and end up escaping what was the fact of my life. I know it makes no sense, and I don't know how to explain it, but I can picture it in my head and draw it.

Also, maybe you can ask your therapist if you can call and be able to make an emergency appointment, if anything were to come up and you really felt you needed the support for it. It's important to remember that if you felt you needed to see your therapist and you went, that it doesn't mean that your going backwards, because it's okay to ask for help. That was something important for me to know because I often beat myself up for needing to ask for help.

Anyways, I found doing those things were helpful for me during that period. Sorry, for the long post, but it's just I find it hard to just saying it without giving background, I don't know why. Good luck.

 

[grit]

Flowerapple gave you a great feedback.
IMHO, talk to him and make some plans in the future in case you change your mind. At minimum,you will find reasons why buying something is more valuable than your mental health? And you make a deal to comeback if needed...you may lose ur spot or not...maybe by phone or video.

i think IMHO there are two issues: truama past which you may not need to focus and today's stressed.

 

[blackemerald1]

I'm pretty sure I can make it on my own, but still that nervous feeling of what if I become suicidal or gloomy. I still feel lost in this life, but I can accept that and move on. Has anyone quit therapy with all these anxious fears of not being able to go without therapy, and still managed?

^If you become suicidal there needs to be a definite plan - reach out to a safe person, hot-line etc Just like anyone who is confronting suicidal thoughts it's essential to get appropriate assistance.

If you feel gloomy there is a level that is completely normal and doesn't need any intervention at all. Do whatever you like to help lift it. The more persistent state of depression needs a different approach. But you'd know this.

Yes, I quit therapy for a few years and I was nervous about 'going it alone'. Initially I think I did really well. I managed many things, family, jobs and myself very well. I don't think anyone but my closest allies knew that I was going without professional backup. I think that was indicative of how well I was doing.

But I ended up in a pickle... mainly because I jumped too soon but the opportunity I had was similar to your's. Therapist changing etc.

I had a major life event occur and it tipped me into bad coping mechanisms and I became too unwell. If that event had not happened I probably would have gone much longer, if not for ever, wobbling along in life with all the normal ups and downs. Just like normal people seem to do. :cautious: :oops:

You sound very well prepared for the transition and know why you are doing this. Simply put, you are ready. Well done. :)

It's completely natural to feel nervous. You will become more confident with dealing with stressors that may have, in the past, sent you to the therapist's chair. Have patience with yourself, hang in there and allow that urge to make an appointment to pass replacing it instead with the satisfaction of actually dealing with whatever comes up. Again, just like anyone else would. It does feel odd for a while. Like someone important left your life and there is that gap.

The only other aspect I wanted to raise with you is to try to refrain from thinking in absolutes. Give yourself heaps of time to adjust but if you find you become too unwell like I did, go to your gp or find some professional support. Please don't let yourself slide into a full on mental health crisis.

Good luck :hug: I'm sure you will be fine. :)

 

[TruthSeeker]

I started therapy over 3 years ago and was in a painful therapy situation for three solid years. It took me from March 2019 to August 2019 to quit seeing that painfully toxic therapist. I was only able to leave with the assistance of another therapist. So the withdrawal symptoms of leaving that toxic therapy have finally started to dissipate. I'm not suffering as much or as often over it. The new therapist has been very helpful, and some of the things the new guy has been telling me have sunk in and I'm starting to believe it. It's really expensive as it's private pay, no insurance.

I'm not going to try trauma therapy ever again, and my nervous system has calmed down. I don't see the point of going back and spending that much money on therapy, when I could use the money to do something for myself and have fun, or buy something I would actually want. (this is a big improvement to want to spend money for fun things for myself.)

I spread the next session out 3 weeks. So my issue is I start to feel panicky and lost thinking about not having that spot in therapy. I don't have any strong attachment to the new guy, so I also think it's best to stop going before that happens. However, I have no desire to ever talk about traumatic events again, so there's really no need to even get attached to a therapist.

I'm pretty sure I can make it on my own, but still that nervous feeling of what if I become suicidal or gloomy. I still feel lost in this life, but I can accept that and move on. Has anyone quit therapy with all these anxious fears of not being able to go without therapy, and still managed?

Yep...and I looked around for a while before I found another....and she's really great (though expensive and private pay. So, I was a bit off waiting to find one that could speak my language, and the time I spend now is much more productive than before.

 

[grit]

There is something called fleevto health in therapy. Sometimes people feel this but it is the beginning and think problems are solved. So be aware.

 

[Deanna]

I haven't read all the responses but I am business minded and you are really worried about the money you are spending. You want it for other things.

Agree with yourself to go back if you feel the need to. Your mental health is worth spending money on.

 

[hithere]

There is something called fleevto health in therapy. Sometimes people feel this but it is the beginning and think problems are solved. So be aware.

Is this what Freud coined "Flight to Health" and is actually resistance/avoidance ?

I haven't read all the responses but I am business minded and you are really worried about the money you are spending. You want it for other things.

Agree with yourself to go back if you feel the need to. Your mental health is worth spending money on.

Yes, this is very true. This new guy though he has been very helpful, he is very expensive in fact it is more than the cost of housing for a month. ! I like this idea: I will agree if I need it... I need to learn to ride out the gloomy distresssful feelings. They are just feelings and they do ease up. I need to be more physical like cating for my belonging and home, cooking, cleaning, getting organized. my environment has been neglected for 3 years and its pretty bad. no joke. and when I do spend a little time fixing things I feel really good doing it. It's the act of moving from enertia gloom to activity is the hardest part. Once I start moving and doing I'm good. but it will take hours and hours to finally get moving and stop brooding.

@TruthSeeker thank you. this encouraging

@blackemerald1 thank you for your insights and encouragement.

@flowerapple thank you. you bring up an important point and I somehow need to do this, which is find people I can be honest with and let them know when I need support. I have many people who reach out to me and I'm a good listener and don't judge because of all my own shit I could not judge anyone else. Yet I need to risk doing the same. One survivor-trait i have is keeping up appearances which is really BS and unhealthy. I need to try being vulnerable. but what i just went thru for 3 years with an unhealthy therapist when i was vulnerable with him has really reinforced my fears of vulnerability.

 

[grit]

Is this what Freud coined "Flight to Health" and is actually resistance/avoidance ?

Yes but at some point it really boils down to what you value. Buying stuff or buying mental health that you need in order to enjoy all that life offers.

IMHO the only reason to leave therapy for good is you are no longer in need for this type of asymmetrical relationship to learn about you. and you have the confidence to risk a reciprocal relationship and manage well enough to enjoy other things in life.

Of course finance is real barrier but your reason is not about can you afford but at what you value more...and that needs a challenge in you.

Hope that makes sense.

 

[Tinyflame]

One survivor-trait i have is keeping up appearances which is really BS and unhealthy

Actually, I see this a wee bit differently, but I may be a lot older, or just different circumstances. IMHE if you don't do the above, by and large you will be eaten alive. You will not maintain work security or your income, respect, or even a marriage entirely. You may face stigma, rejection and prejudice, along with much else. Which if you don't need to worry about, is ok. But mostly, when down people will kick you farther irl.

But perhaps the question becomes, I don't know if I have sufficient tools to feel strong enough to handle what may or will come?

In terms of vulnerability. I see that applying more personally than professionally, provided they are ethical. For example, it is vulnerable to show your doctor a body part you'd rather not, but if their job is to diagnose and treat, that's what you're there for, there's no other choice, or why go. It's just being honest. It's really just factual information you're giving. Not making yourself vulnerable, per se.'

If money is no concern, and you're happier/ stronger with it, go for it.

 

[pam4him]

Quitting therapy can be difficult. If I may, I suggest a gradual withdrawal, with an understanding with the therapist, if possible, to book in between set sessions. You've moved to 3 weeks, then perhaps go to once a month, then 6 weeks, etc. Discuss coping tools with your therapist to help you in between sessions. I found journaling to be one of the best tools for me. Then I shared highlights with my counselor when we met. Gratitude journaling, writing what I'm thankful for, helped the most, followed by getting stressful emotions out. Then I reread the thankful things and it brings me back to center. Prayers for wisdom and peace as you move forward.