Relationship Need to Vent

[blackemerald1]

I'm so sorry @Rollercoaster4 - all I can suggest right now is that you do whatever it is that makes your life comfortable as possible; obtain support via therapy for yourself and children, reach out to family, friends, anyone and anywhere you can that will get you what you need. I know it's not the same as having him there with you but unfortunately nobody can make him come back.

I don't want to say wait for him to get over it because I honestly don't know how you've stood this kind of treatment this long. And I don't even know how often or how long he behaves like this either.

But if he made an undertaking to not do this, or to do this another way, a kinder and communicative way, when this anniversary stuff comes around, then he really does need to wake up to himself.

I can totally understand why you are so damn hurt. Especially after you've both worked on managing things differently. Your expectations have been undermined. You are trying to compensate for his actions and comfort the children. God... hard work all around. :hug:

I think you are a such a good person and yeah you sound tired. So do things that suit you and the children. He's going to have to make some decisions without you seeking him out. Easy for me to say I know... but you don't deserve this shabby behaviour at all.

 

[Freida]

At some point we - the sufferers - have to make a choice. Are we going to continue to live miserably and make everyone around us miserable? Or are we going to do something about it?

That's on us. Not our supporters. US.

Anniversaries suck and therapy is horrible - the whole you get worse before you get better thing. But doing it is showing that we are acknowledging that it's our responsibility to deal with our own crap. I can make my supporters lives hell ( been doing that recently as a matter of fact - sigh :banghead:) but at the end of the day it comes down to two things:
1. I decide how I'm going to live
2. They decide how they are going to live

Hopefully we are on the same path.

If not? If I drive them away? Then I have to own it.
It's not their responsibility to fix me - or to let me treat them like my personal pinata
I have to find a way to communicate that doesn't hurt them.
When I screw that up (more than I'd like to admit) then I have to find a way to apologize and try not do it again. Don't get me wrong --I'm not always successful. But I'm trying.

Your guy may not have gotten there yet - and that's ok
He may have forgotten everything he learned in therapy so far - and that's ok
He may still need to isolate - and that's ok

What's NOT ok is for him to be a total ass and then try to blame it on ptsd and/or you.
As a supporter you deserve much better than that.

 

[Deanna]

Butting in is quite welcome especially from a sufferer stand point. Yes I have multiple times with the response only needing to be yes or no. He wont answer. The only difference this year is I'm not blocked. I know not to inquire about if he is in a dark place because that one was provided with a response of "I dont f*ing need intensive help". I dont know I guess in this situation it's a no win either way. After that not nice response I stopped contact and he tried reaching me several times on Veterans day but I was so spent with work and kids then he sent a message this morning asking if he was allowed to pick up something and then I didn't hear from him again nor did he pick the stuff up. I'm not angry. I'm hurt. And I would of thought after the discussion we had in couples therapy months back and his agreement to not do this again we wouldn't be right back here. He is a good guy, stubborn as hell, but when not like this a genuinely good guy, it is just sad. I guess if I knew he wasnt being mean versus he is really in an episode then I'd maybe be able to know better how to approach especially if he were hitting crisis point.

It's good to know we can butt in once and awhile! :hug: I am a sufferer and a supporter. There is no excuse for this kind of behavior. That would hurt anyone, supporter or not. He thinks he's better off alone but his life is with you.... It's real simple. Do what you can do to help out. Be part of.... Commit to what is real.

There is no responsibility here..no ownership. Make him accountable.

 

[Rollercoaster4]

Thank you to all. I know it can be a redundant theme on this side of the forum. I think the largest difficulty beside the emotional hurt is the trying to make sense of it but you cant make sense of it. Yes I need to face the reality and take it at face value. Hearing all of your feedback helps more than you know because it keeps me grounded when I need it in a weak moment and when I need to remember my boundaries I set forth to protect myself and my children. I'm quite upset about the impact on the kids because that is something I very much put my foot down on months back when I told him then I questioned contuing the journey with him because the little ones aren't able to comprehend the situation and they need to be in an environment were there is stability and they arent experiencing an emotional rollercoaster.

 

[nursenurse]

And just maybe, he isn’t the right one for you...PTSD, kids and everything else aside. Supporters are allowed to have their own stress cups too, and when that cup overflows, you are allowed to put a lid on it, trash it, empty it out a bit, whatever it takes so that you remain a whole person for yourself and your kids. There are many reasons why he may not be keeping his promises to behave a certain way again, but when you describe all of the things you have been doing, all the checks, leaving food, apologizing (for what???)...These are temporary measures to help a person out of a hole, but some folks will never help themselves get out of the hole because they have never been challenged to truly do so, for whatever reason. A genuinely good guy would at least attempt to keep his word. Don’t play his games. I can’t seem to find in this thread where he is receiving help for himself, not just the couples therapy. If that is the case, then he truly hasnt taken responsibility for himself and his actions. Find out your legal rights. You do not have to act on them of course, but knowing what you can do for yourself and your children can be very empowering. Wishing you all the best, it is a hard road for sure.

 

[Rollercoaster4]

And just maybe, he isn’t the right one for you...PTSD, kids and everything else aside. Supporters are allowed to have their own stress cups too, and when that cup overflows, you are allowed to put a lid on it, trash it, empty it out a bit, whatever it takes so that you remain a whole person for yourself and your kids. There are many reasons why he may not be keeping his promises to behave a certain way again, but when you describe all of the things you have been doing, all the checks, leaving food, apologizing (for what???)...These are temporary measures to help a person out of a hole, but some folks will never help themselves get out of the hole because they have never been challenged to truly do so, for whatever reason. A genuinely good guy would at least attempt to keep his word. Don’t play his games. I can’t seem to find in this thread where he is receiving help for himself, not just the couples therapy. If that is the case, then he truly hasnt taken responsibility for himself and his actions. Find out your legal rights. You do not have to act on them of course, but knowing what you can do for yourself and your children can be very empowering. Wishing you all the best, it is a hard road for sure.

Thank you for the motivational... "get it together".

 

[Deanna]

Thank you for the motivational... "get it together".

I think she was being serious. Find out what your rights are.

 

[Rollercoaster4]

I think she was being serious. Find out what your rights are.

Oh yes. No he has no rights in regards to my children. They are not his bio children. He has been the only father figure but he has not rights to them. As for the other stuff when it comes to legalities he always wanted everything seperate so I guess maybe it made it easier for him to leave without complication.

 

[Deanna]

Oh yes. No he has no rights in regards to my children. They are not his bio children. He has been the only father figure but he has not rights to them. As for the other stuff when it comes to legalities he always wanted everything seperate so I guess maybe it made it easier for him to leave without complication.

It makes him leave with no commitment. I think you, my dear, are a saint! There is no way ( supporter or sufferer) I couldn't put up with a sixteenth of what's he's put you through. My sufferer smokes a little which helps him and takes prescription medication ( and twice a month -therapy, once a month psychiatrist) I see psychiatrist once a month.. Every two weeks in therapy with prescription medication.

I forgot if you've said.. Is he getting any other outside help other than couples therapy?

 

[Rollercoaster4]

It makes him leave with no commitment. I think you, my dear, are a saint! There is no way ( supporter or sufferer) I couldn't put up with a sixteenth of what's he's put you through. My sufferer smokes a little which helps him and takes prescription medication ( and twice a month -therapy, once a month psychiatrist) I see psychiatrist once a month.. Every two weeks in therapy with prescription medication.

I forgot if you've said.. Is he getting any other outside help other than couples therapy?

He says he has a therapist. I have never agreed with this therapist because this therapist markets itself as a life coach that uses mindfulness for trauma, but is not certified in any EBT modalities for trauma. Mind you, I wont go into detail, this area is my career and passion for helping those who suffer within this specific population ( I would have never thought I'd be the SO in the situation). So I suggested throughout the last two years that perhaps his choice in his therapist isnt the best fit, but I never pushed because it wasnt my place and it's his comfort level that was most important and I'm not his provider. Two months ago he said he was bumping the sessions to twice a month to which I suggested might not be beneficial given the time of year. He didnt follow through with the treatment plan after inpatient trauma and suds treatment and he hasn't seen his psychiatrist in two years but seees a va doc (which we all know are not worth more than we can throw for the most part) for med checks. I know he picks and chooses med compliancy as he sees fit, but he says he has made "progress". Me typing this is making me realize how blind I have been. I guess I never wanted to rock the boat, I was too fearful of fall out and the pain. I figured slow pain was better than full on hit you hard intense pain and finality. We did couples therapy, but I put a stop to it because he couldnt fully commit to which he blamed on me and our therapist said he needs to be focusing on avoidant commitment issues individually. Which hurt, because if we were a priority he would have been focusing on those things, right?! Literally, I hardly spoke just cried in the couples sessions because he dominated the sessions talking about his military experience and trauma and loosing people all whilst the living flesh in front of him was falling in and out of depression trying to just be in a relationship with him, juggling my own responsibilities. Gosh I could go into much more detail and give you background but it would sound like I was a martyr, which I'm not, and Im not into the whole holly crapy this dude doesnt realize what he had because at the end of the day no matter the backstory, I really loved and cared and I really believed in him and I'm the flipping fool that didnt have enough respect for herself to set boundaries and he couldn't get it together to see what others see. Maybe this was my lesson in life to teach me to respect myself and take all at face value, however, it is still someone that once was whole and who fought for our country and endured things I never could have imagined having to endure what haunts him and has robbed him of things he doesnt feel he deserves. But as those who have posted, who are very correct, it's not justifiable to be a mean person. Totally venting and having this self realization.

 

[blackemerald1]

Maybe this was my lesson in life to teach me to respect myself and take all at face value, however, it is still someone that once was whole and who fought for our country and endured things I never could have imagined having to endure what haunts him and has robbed him of things he doesnt feel he deserves. But as those who have posted, who are very correct, it's not justifiable to be a mean person. Totally venting and having this self realization.

^Well I for one don't believe in life giving out lessons. I think you do respect yourself and it comes out in your posts. You do know something is definitely off kilter and not right for you and the self respect you already have is pushing up to the surface and demanding to be heard. And well done you!

 

[Deanna]

He says he has a therapist. I have never agreed with this therapist because this therapist markets itself as a life coach that uses mindfulness for trauma, but is not certified in any EBT modalities for trauma. Mind you, I wont go into detail, this area is my career and passion for helping those who suffer within this specific population ( I would have never thought I'd be the SO in the situation). So I suggested throughout the last two years that perhaps his choice in his therapist isnt the best fit, but I never pushed because it wasnt my place and it's his comfort level that was most important and I'm not his provider. Two months ago he said he was bumping the sessions to twice a month to which I suggested miught not be beneficial given the time of year. He didnt follow through with the treatment plan after inpatient trauma and suds treatment and he hasn't seen his psychiatrist in two years but seees a va doc (which we all know are not worth more than we can throw for the most part) for med checks. I know he picks and chooses med compliancy as he sees fit, but he says he has made "progress". Me typing this is making me realize how blind I have been. I guess I never wanted to rock the boat, I was too fearful of fall out and the pain. I figured slow pain was better than full on hit you hard intense pain and finality. We did couples therapy, but I put a stop to it because he couldnt fully commit to which he blamed on me and our therapist said he needs to be focusing on avoidant commitment issues individually. Which hurt, because if we were a priority he would have been focusing on those things, right?! Literally, I hardly spoke just cried in the couples sessions because he dominated the sessions talking about his military experience and trauma and loosing people all whilst the living flesh in front of him was falling in and out of depression trying to just be in a relationship with him, juggling my own responsibilities. Gosh I could go into much more detail and give you background but it would sound like I was a martyr, which I'm not, and Im not into the whole holly crapy this dude doesnt realize what he had because at the end of the day no matter the backstory, I really loved and cared and I really believed in him and I'm the flipping fool that didnt have enough respect for herself to set boundaries and he couldn't get it together to see what others see. Maybe this was my lesson in life to teach me to respect myself and take all at face value, however, it is still someone that once was whole and who fought for our country and endured things I never could have imagined having to endure what haunts him and has robbed him of things he doesnt feel he deserves. But as those who have posted, who are very correct, it's not justifiable to be a mean person. Totally venting and having this self realization.

I know. I know. I tend to lean against needy people because once I was needy. I am now independent and maybe a little too rigid to put up with that because there is no excuse. There's medication, there's counselors, there are therapists, there are psychiatrists. You're worth fighting for, as well. I realize he fought for his country but I don't see him fighting to be with you. That's what I want for you. I want him to fight but he's not working on that. It's very easy to live in the past but the past is gone. The present is what makes/ keeps us all going. Sure, we are all haunted by bad memories but we work like he'll to correct them and see the good of today. Who do we cherish, love and commit to, today?
( I don't do mindfullness by the way)