Holiday "Poker face"

[Whirlwind]

HI all,

The holiday season approaches along with (my) hurdles. Help ?

I am finding myself in avoidance mode which makes me feel bad as I so appreciate even getting an invitation!

In many I would like to accept but I risk my own emotions or inadvertently revealing oddities about my history. Or I feel cornered and begins the "side step dance". I dislike hearing my own excuses as it isn't my style. I have done really well this year getting out and socializing, meeting people but now it feels challenging.

If only I could just say I was hatched out of an egg at 25 and everyone would nod in understanding and leave it at that :)

I just passed on some things because of the central party game and another asked for everyone to bring a picture of them when very young, etc. It is meaningless stuff and everyone is so innocent, why wouldn't I have a picture so to speak. I try to get around it and the oh so well meaning person says no problem bring a pic as a teen! I just don't want to go through another round of "why" so I finally just say I can't come/busy.

Silly examples but while this sounds and is trivial ...... it frustrates me. I feel like I can't relax this time of year and I wish I could do better somehow.

Any thoughts or strategies are much appreciated,



Whirlwind

 

[Sideways]

Can you borrow a picture from someone else? Seriously, to a lot of us babies look like babies.

Alternatively, a tonne of reasons that people no longer have photos of themselves as kids. Split with parents, house fire, lost in the move from place 1 to place 2, someone else in the family is has all the albums... "I don't have any pics of me as a kid. Sorry, I just don't".

The whole event? Doesn't necessarily need to be a nightmare because of this one thing. Knowing in advance that it's happening, sharing with the host that you simply can't bring a pic because "I can't, I just don't have any" - a good host will try and make that part of the day feel less uncomfortable for you.

Then maybe pull out the mindfulness - notice when that part of the day has come and gone, and now you're just another person at the party, trying to find some kind of enjoyment in the most stressful time of year for everyone.

Sorry you don't have any pics of your childhood. It makes sense there's a sense of loss/grief attached to that for you. Just don't let it turn into (completely unwarranted) shame:hug:

 

[TruthSeeker]

HI all,

The holiday season approaches along with (my) hurdles. Help ?

I am finding myself in avoidance mode which makes me feel bad as I so appreciate even getting an invitation!

In many I would like to accept but I risk my own emotions or inadvertently revealing oddities about my history. Or I feel cornered and begins the "side step dance". I dislike hearing my own excuses as it isn't my style. I have done really well this year getting out and socializing, meeting people but now it feels challenging.

If only I could just say I was hatched out of an egg at 25 and everyone would nod in understanding and leave it at that :)

I just passed on some things because of the central party game and another asked for everyone to bring a picture of them when very young, etc. It is meaningless stuff and everyone is so innocent, why wouldn't I have a picture so to speak. I try to get around it and the oh so well meaning person says no problem bring a pic as a teen! I just don't want to go through another round of "why" so I finally just say I can't come/busy.

Silly examples but while this sounds and is trivial ...... it frustrates me. I feel like I can't relax this time of year and I wish I could do better somehow.

Any thoughts or strategies are much appreciated,



Whirlwind

So, I've been like an oyster...but been working hard to climb out of my shell. This past year, each month, I set myself up to do new things and I follow through.....and things where I could be seen making a mistake....or running into someone I'd rather not. It is the act of trying.....going against the desire to stay inside (to hide) or stay under the blanket in bed that is helping me the most. Celebrating the holidays without close family.....used to be unbearable. But now, I'm feeling more independent, and not shitting on every idea because my family isn't here....and I keep trying new stuff even though I have that flee feeling, or I begin to dissociate. Going out to stores this time of year-very overwhelming. I go in, I put stuff in the cart.....I'm having hot flashes..things starting to look foggy..and the real need to leave. So do I leave, yes.....I go outside where it is cold and ground and get a cold drink and listen to music on my phone in the car. I leave my full basket there to return to.....and once grounded....go back again.....and have a small success. I have 3 months of white board to schedule things. It helps me be on time, gives me structure, and if it goes on the board, I rarely bail. Just cause everyone else is either anxious, depressed, suicidal or making merry......you do your own traditions, make your own fun during the holiday time.....whatever makes you really happy in such a crazy busy time of the year.

My friend recently asked me, "When you have to leave, isn't that embarrassing?" I said, "Not anymore." If I do things to break they cycle of (fear, avoidance, hiding)-each time I go back it is getting easier and I'm less overwhelmed and afraid. I don't intend to be afraid of the world for the rest of my life. So....it's putting myself out there and not expecting things to go perfectly....expecting the opposite and not getting it...or not having as bad a time as before...or doing the mindfulness thing...and grounding.....and If I got what I came for....I consider it a win!

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

I don't do helliday celebrations for many reasons, but an idea for the picture thing, if you can't find one to borrow, as @Sideways suggested, is to pick up a cheap frame at a dollar store that has the family photos and such already in them.

Just get a little crafty by adding some other piece of paper or card stock to cover up the wording and frame size. (maybe make it into a collage sort of thing) Then share a story of the photo in whatever way brings you a little inner joy, if a story is requested.

Most of the xmas stuff is based on a bunch of made up stories anyway, so why not just add one more to the pile? ?

 

[blackemerald1]

Most of the xmas stuff is based on a bunch of made up stories anyway, so why not just add one more to the pile?

^Absolutely. And now I feel strange that I have no baby, child, teen pics of me? Why not? Idk why.. I left home in my early teens and didn't have enough room in my bag. How strange...

Have you got a sister/brother/niece/nephew - neighbour's kid pic you can appropriate for the evening? Make up a fantastical story about the sublime childhood you believed you had. lol..

Or, how about getting a pic of a baby out of a magazine... you know the one that looks so incredibly cute and stick it in a frame. No need to tell any lies. If anyone asks say that this is what you always thought you looked like from the inside lol...

Or, get a cute pic of a baby giraffe, zebra, goat, calf, lamb, kitten, puppy or piglet. Put that in a frame and say the same thing. This is what the inner me felt like when I was a baby and I refuse to be told otherwise! I was gorgeous!! :rolleyes:

I try to remember with the holiday stuff is that everyone is pretending... everyone! Why do you think there are so many inappropriate levels of alcohol and drugs consumed at these gatherings. Cause everyone is feeling uncomfortable and really want to go home but they cannot so they use social lubricants grossly lol..

 

[Whirlwind]

Can you borrow a picture from someone else? Seriously, to a lot of us babies look like babies.

LOL! It literally never occurred to me to fabricate! Why didn't I do this already? LOL

You all make a good point that others are "just getting through" the holidays. I have learned to enjoy them in my own way when solo and that has been hard so I'm a little perplexed why I am feeling uneasy. I made big changes this year, moved etc and my "aloneness" has lessened if anything so why I am feeling more lonely? is odd to me. Maybe I'm unconsciously comparing myself?

My friend recently asked me, "When you have to leave, isn't that embarrassing?" I said, "Not anymore."

Wow, you sound brave, I'm impressed.

Most of the xmas stuff is based on a bunch of made up stories anyway, so why not just add one more to the pile?

ha. You all are making me laugh, thank you. I am going to do this...amazingly I have run into this picture problem more than once and this will put an end to it! :-)

Absolutely. And now I feel strange that I have no baby, child, teen pics of me? Why not? Idk why.. I left home in my early teens and didn't have enough room in my bag. How strange...Have you got a sister/brother/niece/nephew - neighbour's kid pic you can appropriate for the evening?

I know, it is a weird feeling. Never knew extended family, isolated. One known living but dead end. Bizarre situation and how they got away with it I will never know. I like to think it wouldn't be possible today.

Best, Whirlwind

 

[TruthSeeker]

Wow, you sound brave, I'm impressed.
Best, Whirlwind

Absolutely not brave at all....it's honestly (my dissociative reactions) just a fact. Consider it just a stress reaction. If I want to deal with and get control of the dissociation, I need to see it as a fact of life and treatable....like epilepsy, you take the pills, get regular neuro checkups, and just deal with it. The longer I blame trauma on people who can't even hear me, or whine about it and blame those awful people who hurt me.....the less that will get done in the here and now.

I'm looking to change how my brain reacts...so my energy has to go towards utilizing strategies to regulate and ground and fXct the emotional baggage. I've had worse.....brain injury (TBI was at first more debilitating)and while I still have residue from that, life is okay..... so this dissociation, I see as just another obstacle in my path to overcome.....and that requires attention and action in the moment. Each time I leave the store and go back in.....it gets better and I feel more confident in doing what I need to do. So exposure therapy it is!

 

[Friday]

Any thoughts or strategies are much appreciated

Passing on stuff I don’t have the energy to outlay...

(like outrageous lies that aren’t really lies, because no one would believe them, so it becomes a running joke/theme that can be relaxed into... like a picture of a dolphin, or 3 headed monster, or blacked out redacted top secret thing or whatever... still takes a good bit of chutzpah to get up off the ground. Ditto something more serious like using age regression software -my sense of humor would still prolly put it on a wanted poster- or an electron microscope picture of a sperm and egg)

...AND (most important piece) doing something just as much fun with half as much energy needed.

Because passing on FunThingA is something that doesn’t have to eat at me, if I’m doing FunThingB instead.

 

[Mach123]

I don't mind avoidance I don't see it as wrong anymore. If I get in social situations I have to hear people talking sh*t out of school that I don't want to hear about. Think about what people talk about. I'm interested in dealing with my stuff which has to come first and that's tuff. I don't need to be made uncomfortable. If I get stuck doing it, which I might, then I'm all for the fabrication angle. I haven't seen anyone in awhile and if I get stuck with them it's just for awhile and you pretend you are happy and sluff it off. Have some answers planned so you don't end up tounge tied in front of someone peppering you with questions.

I'm planning on getting in my room and shutting the door and don't call me for dinner because I don't want it to be awkward. No plans yet just a couple hints. Not feeling very sociable lol. Im trying to get out of it.

 

[Mee]

I love the idea of ‘hatched out of an egg’ as an adult. It would be cool if that became code for ‘please be trauma aware I am not going to contribute to childhood memories’.

I also really like the idea of just ... not providing things. I don’t have very many child hood photos, ( maybe half a dozen, no baby photos - maybe my mother has a couple? ). If asked I point out I had an childhood that involved international travel and hanging on to stuff was not practical. It’s the truth but it actually doesn’t answer the direct question of the photos . Still it puts and end to the discussion. Before ptsd when I had containment it was very much my opinion It was not necessary for everyone to know everything: I like honesty but I did feel these ‘slippery’ deflections were protecting everyone. Things getting lost on a move, maybe photos did, All the other things in life that have gone missing or not existed.


Now I might just say; I don’t have any. ‘I think that it’s not really ok to repeat ask on people for this stuff if they don’t respond to a request. People’s history isn’t known to others; their childhood could have been something they don’t want to remember, or their might be traumatic reasons they don’t want to share photos. All these fun things we didn’t know hurt other people we are getting wise to now! Just use photos that are forth coming!’

By including myself i’d Hope to make it not an attack on the person. I absolutely know not everyone can do this. For me it’s containing that’s hard and not personalising it and thinking of others who might be impacted too is my avoidance route.

 

[Tinyflame]

@Whirlwind , if I remember correctly you're over 50? In my FOO there were virtually no pics of me, maybe 4 or 5 I lost or threw out, or misplaced, and scarce few of the others, the greatest number being of the 1st child, However, it was also nothing like today: pictures were originals and and you needed a camera, film and pay to develop them. On top of that, it wasn't the priority back then as now, people were working and had much to do and not the same conveniences or priorities, and a luxury re: cost. Unless you did reprints you're talking about the state of a ~50 year old photo at best, which depending on age may even be bl-&-white..

You could use an excuse like, my dad had a video camera, we used that. But most of all, if these are friends, and accepting (or who would feel accepted and going to have a good time, if they were nosy, critical or questioning people, whether you know them or not?), they shouldn't make you feel uncomfortable. To those who matter, it shouldn't matter, as they say.

Also, if you like that kind of thing (& that's great if you do) this may feel like more of a problem. But again, being closer to you in age, I recall parties being a lot more exciting and fun, in so far as mingling, talking, laughing, joking, eating, dancing, people naturally breaking off in to groups. But intermingling without requiring effort And of course, usually excess drinking, and when you're a woman having to deal with guys coming on to you (or hooking up, if you wanted). Now it's more theme-based, and some people do bring in such games or others. Which personally I hate, and either make me feel totally uncomfortable, +/or conversely bored to tears. The exception to all of it is just having a good time and being comfortable, welcome, and having some genuine laughs. (So I suppose I'm more of a beer-and-bbq-lots-of-laughs-and-feeling-welcome-&-come-as-you-are-do-what-feels-comfortable-kind-of-girl=environment than one for pre-arranged-activities. OMG. That sounds like work. ? :) Especially if it's not formal. And OMG, No Pickelball.. I'd feel like I was decrepit , lol. :dead: ) What happened to people just having fun, a good time, seeing each other and socializing without trying to impress or exclude, Idk. That's not a very good host(ess), IMHO. :(

I might say, OMG I found a couple and forgot them on the counter, or I knew there was something I forgot.. Which could likely be true! (Or, Oh my, it fell in the egg nog.. :laugh: But then they'd have to throw out the egg nog ;))

I think the point is to have fun. If you can't because of the reactions of the people or the environment, it might be more fun to choose a different party.

(ETA, were it me I'd maybe say:, ~I'm like the Abominable Snow(wo)man (seasonally-fitting :) ), you know hard to get a photo. (And/ or), I was too fast to catch one. :) )

Good luck! :hug:

 

[Friday]

I feel like I can't relax this time of year and I wish I could do better somehow.

What would relaxing this time of year look like, for you?

I’ve had some wildly different relaxed/fun holidays, and whilst certainly not all PTSD related, maybe 2/3s ties into getting those needs met, in various ways. Some by accident, others by design.