Relationship Need to Vent

[Rollercoaster4]

Yes I am practicing self respect. I guess what I'm having a hard time with is taking it at face value and realizing I have to move forward even if I'm not fully ready because he is showing me that he isnt able to reciprocate and I could be wrong but even if he is in a bad head space he would communicate in some way that that is what is occurring, not leading one to beleive he is just gone and that is that, atleast not after this length of time being together. That is a lot of years to just cut out and dissapear with no verbal understanding of that is what is intended.

 

[SweetPainfulLoving]

I could be wrong but even if he is in a bad head space he would communicate in some way that that is what is occurring, not leading one to beleive he is just gone and that is that, atleast not after this length of time being together. That is a lot of years to just cut out and dissapear with no verbal understanding of that is what is intended.

This is all too familiar.

You used the word ‘fear’ and ‘not wanting to rock the boat’....because of what might happen. I’ve been there and walking on eggshells is a shitty way live. REALLY shitty. They get away with unacceptable behaviour and you feel like all you can do is stuff it down and hope that, if you just tough this ‘episode’ out, things will get better. But that doesn’t always happen....even when they are in regular therapy.

It is impossible to try and make sense of something that just doesn’t make sense. Sometimes there is no logical explanation that they could give you......even if they wanted to.

The thing is, they CAN ‘just cut out and disappear’. Even years into a relationship. They may be gone for days, weeks, months, years, or, yes, even forever, without any communication, and you are left wonder WTF happened?!?!? Pushing away, ghosting, the silent treatment, abandonment, whatever you want to call it. The feelings that one goes through, when this happens, are indescribable. Pain upon pain. Closure is not always something that we are able to attain and that is a very challenging thing to learn to accept. It can shake the very foundation of who we are. Destroy our self esteem. Have us question everything about ourselves and the relationship.

BUT, it is so important to know that it does NOT mean that you do not have value. It did NOT mean that you aren’t worth loving. It does NOT mean that you did anything wrong. It does NOT mean that you didn’t give everything you had to make it work. It does NOT mean that you were somehow lacking or weren’t strong enough or should feel guilty for ‘giving up’.
What they choose to do or not do is on them. You have been fighting every single day for your sufferer since you met. You have supported them through everything. But one person cannot hold a relationship together. They need to be willing to fight for you. They need to keep their promises. They need to have their words and actions match. Their choices are, ultimately, all on them. Just like our choices to stay or go are on us.

Thank you for sharing with us.

I wish you peace and happiness, always.

 

[Rollercoaster4]

Thank you. Your response couldnt have been at a perfect time. You are correct, the pain is horrendous and the thoughts that go along with it. I was holding it together until tonight. I decided that I cant stay in limbo and I was going to just put a stop to the possibility of keeping the door open because that is what I do in this pattern. I told him to pick up his items. He had the audacity to actually respond and state he cannot pick them up today and if I would be willing to not leave them outside. I absolutely refused to be responsible for his items nor make it convenient for him to pick up (against my nature, but enough I think I have been more than accommodating for years). It really hurt when he replied with that and the instant thought I had was he has plans with maybe another as to why he cant pick up his stuff, but yet I'm here grieving and have no clue what all occurred.

I'm so floored as this is all happening again and that I trusted someone that could be so cold and give no answer to what was going on but desires to have his items be cared for.

I know that I absolutely will not repeat the past years this go around and in my gut I feel this isnt the end of the saga but yet I want it to be but still wish he would realize what hurt and damage he is causing.

 

[Deanna]

Thank you. Your response couldnt have been at a perfect time. You are correct, the pain is horrendous and the thoughts that go along with it. I was holding it together until tonight. I decided that I cant stay in limbo and I was going to just put a stop to the possibility of keeping the door open because that is what I do in this pattern. I told him to pick up his items. He had the audacity to actually respond and state he cannot pick them up today and if I would be willing to not leave them outside. I absolutely refused to be responsible for his items nor make it convenient for him to pick up (against my nature, but enough I think I have been more than accommodating for years). It really hurt when he replied with that and the instant thought I had was he has plans with maybe another as to why he cant pick up his stuff, but yet I'm here grieving and have no clue what all occurred.

I'm so floored as this is all happening again and that I trusted someone that could be so cold and give no answer to what was going on but desires to have his items be cared for.

I know that I absolutely will not repeat the past years this go around and in my gut I feel this isnt the end of the saga but yet I want it to be but still wish he would realize what hurt and damage he is causing.

Great post! See! He's not putting forth any effort in just picking up his stuff! And thinks you may throw them out the door ( that's paranoia) He is wanting you to calm down as to why he can't pick them up on the date you sent. He's just not telling you that ( My thoughts only) I know you worry, but I seriously doubt if he's with another.

I didn't realize it had been years for the two of you. I should have been more sensitive in my posts. (My sufferer is also a man with few words so I have studied his actions) As I said, I think he's wanting you to calm down but it's up to you how you want to live your life. Everyone needs to feel important. PTSD or not.

He's not going to jump for himself or you. Without knowing him, I'd say he stays lost in his thoughts and thats not the road to recovery. The road includes how to manage intrusive thoughts.

 

[Rollercoaster4]

Great post! See! He's not putting forth any effort in just picking up his stuff! And thinks you may throw them out the door ( that's paranoia) He is wanting you to calm down as to why he can't pick them up on the date you sent. He's just not telling you that ( My thoughts only) I know you worry, but I seriously doubt if he's with another.

I didn't realize it had been years for the two of you. I should have been more sensitive in my posts. (My sufferer is also a man with few words so I have studied his actions) As I said, I think he's wanting you to calm down but it's up to you how you want to live your life. Everyone needs to feel important. PTSD or not.

He's not going to jump for himself or you. Without knowing him, I'd say he stays lost in his thoughts and thats not the road to recovery. The road includes how to manage intrusive thoughts.

Spot on. Actually had an hour long convo. Future oriented convo but it was sprinkled with some repetitive past themed irrational beliefs to stressors but safety was not a concern at this time. I actually ended the conversation because it was just too much and I was too emotional. We both got out where we were, how we felt, and what we both were struggling with actually some understanding of where I was coming from on his end but I can tell it's still somewhat detached (the empathetic part). He actually said he would and is working on specific things and understands if some things would make me happy despite what he feels about the situations he would be supportive. We will see... I aleast have an understanding of what is going on now and I can process that and make a decision with the facts. It would be easy to just ok fold in but I have done that and it only enabled hurtful behaviors. So for me despite the conversation and I do not trust at this time that this disappearing behavior wont happens again and I dont want to put myself and especially my kids through it again.

I didn't take your post insensitive by any means. Thank you for replying. Every persons feedback and support and constructive suggestions have helped. I only wish I had reached out before then maybe I wouldn't have felt to alone.

 

[Rollercoaster4]

Sorry for typos. Fat fingers on phone. ?

 

[Rollercoaster4]

Well everything has been okay-ish, I thought we were one the same page with the conversations, however, one of my children comes home telling me he asked his counselor if he can attend a divorce support group at his school because it bothers him that the SO doesnt "live with us" and leaves for periods of time. He has his own flatt but 95% of the time stays with us. This broke my heart. I didnt realize he felt this way to this extent and to be talking to the school counselor about it and not telling me:[ ! I informed the SO of this to which he became very upset and said it has to do with the fact my child's bio donor isnt in the picture. Well the bio donor hasnt been in the picture since he was a toddler and prior to that was in and out and abusive, so dont think it's that! My SO is the only male "parental figure" they have known. My child made it very clear that the current situation confuses him because of the "on and off" and his desire to have a dad all the time. He even said, "Mom he doesnt want to marry you or live with us". So after informing my SO of this revelation he hung up on me and took off out town where there will be no cell service to hunt last stating "I'm not a bad person"!

The additional part of the conversation was "hey I asked for your help with the kids" to which he got pissed and said so what I'm not able to go do what I want? I asked for the help because my family is over me being with someone for this long and him not stepping in to help me with the kids as I work two jobs right now for reasons. They see it as he doesnt want to merge households or finances (it's fine I can hold my own and always have but its be nice to not be solo) and I need to move on. His response to this was, "Not my problem. So you are saying I cant go to xyx because I wont help you."

Fudge I cant do this to my kiddos it isnt fair to them. I knew it bothered them but not like this and damn I am solo and no matter the mask I put on it I probably will always be after this length of time.

 

[Deanna]

knew it bothered them but not like this and damn I am solo and no matter the mask I put on it I probably will always be after this length of tim

You don't have to stay in a relationship relative to time. You could start a new life ( which is hard at first) but then it gets easier. My SO and I both have PTSD and neither one of us runs off from each other. He gets on my nerves sometimes. I just tell what I feel and that is that. So there are different relationships that include PT$D. Just sayin'.

 

[Freida]

"hey I asked for your help with the kids" to which he got pissed and said so what I'm not able to go do what I want?

This ^^^^ is not a ptsd thing. This is an asshat thing.
And ptsd does not give us a pass to be asshats.

 

[Rollercoaster4]

You don't have to stay in a relationship relative to time. You could start a new life ( which is hard at first) but then it gets easier. My SO and I both have PTSD and neither one of us runs off from each other. He gets on my nerves sometimes. I just tell what I feel and that is that. So there are different relationships that include PT$D. Just sayin'.

Yes I agree it isnt healthy towards the relationship whether it is PTSD or not and I dont know why I'm so hesitant on just adopting the notion of to walk away. It actually infuriates me because I feel dumb but my child telling me his perspective has really pushed me to thinking that there isnt working this relationship out. My father told me once, its not that hard I know you, you can easily turn the emotion off and just walk, you've done it before, what is that keeps needing to happen for you to see the reality of what is?! Maybe it's because I cant comprehend sticking by someone and doing all that I have done to just realize it was a bad investment.

This ^^^^ is not a ptsd thing. This is an asshat thing.
And ptsd does not give us a pass to be asshats.

Yes ma'am. Asshat is a much nicer word than what I was thinking. That comment and behavior is not PTSD I think its straight up selfshifness.m and actually grosses me out. I would never act that way. Before it was easy to say it's the PTSD because it was so prevalent and not managed. Now it's being treated to some extent and managed to some extent but the personality is showing without the mask of PTSD.

 

[Deanna]

Maybe it's because I cant comprehend sticking by someone and doing all that I have done to just realize it was a bad investment.

You still have a future, though. Do you really want to live separately for the rest of your life? How about when you get older and need surgeries on this and that? Will your kids continue to help you ( when older) while this guy walks? Continually? The thing is, his actions won't ever change because no one gets old when someone is stuck in time. ( that's me too but I mAke an effort to concentrate in the now) You also don't know who you will meet in the next 5 months ( could be someone that actually wants to come to you) Anyway.. I hope to have been of some small help to you today.

 

[Rollercoaster4]

Oh you have been very helpful. It helps to be validated or hear what already runs in my mind. He has always just makes me feel like I ask for too much which is reinforced with his "I'm trying. I'm making progress". Actually he bounced when I had a huge surgery. He took me to the ER and kept the kids while they transferred me to another hospital but that was as far as that got. He made a huge scene when I was in the hospital the night before my surgery. My parents had the kids and I didnt want to stretch my mom. I needed his help showering and doing the heb cleanse for preop and he lost his shit. I was in so much pain and completely medicated way beyond what I could handle and the pain was still bad. Plus the meds were making me very ill to my stomach. It was so embarrassing especially when he made the scene he did in front of a nurse that came in the room because he was yelling at me. I dont even know why he was yelling me at me. He took off. The next day he went to work while I went into surgery alone. My mother was there when I woke up and she had to call him to tell him I was okay. I was so scared going in because I was afraid I wouldn't wake up and I worried about my babies and I was told I would most likely have to have a hysterectomy which I wasnt fully able to process. I laid in the preop crying and everyone else had someone there. The night I got released he was being an outright douche when he was suppose to be helping me. That was exactly how my kiddos bio donor treated me when I had delivered them. Gosh that was quite a few years ago now that I remember it and you are right he hasnt changed a heck of a lot even after he got PTSD and AUD treatment. He of course said it was because he couldn't cope seeing me in pain and he got triggered. I never forgave him just forgot even after he went to treatment and genuinely apologized for everything. I feel like he thinks because he takes us out to dinner, spends the night at the house, buys me things (which I dont like but it isnt worth the argument, I dont like being bought) and maybe keeps the kiddos for me once a month he thinks that is enough. It isn't and I'm tired of the same. I tell him what is bothering me and he dissapears tells me he isnt a bad person and I'm messing his day up because he feels like shit now. This post colors him bad, it isnt always like that, but it's more of that crap than good. Wow I totally dont even know if I want to hit submit on this reply and I kinda wish I hadnt remembered that. I'm little over crying at this point and feeling that nasty feeling in the pit of my stomach about all of it :/.

I'm glad you are aware and try to change what you can. Outside of my personal life its is hard because I work with individuals who have PTSD dx and pretty much all of them are so focused on what they can change to rebuild their relationships that I have to say "woah nelly lets get the trauma resolved first". When I get in my car and try to flip the switch to turn work off and turn home on I get stuck in this metaphorical reality slap thinking I dont feel or beleive he has ever thought that about our relationship like the individuals I assist and the actions show it.