Relationship Need to Vent

[Deanna]

Thanks for your story. I've been through that surgery, by the way, too. But enough off that.. Glad you shared. I'm glad you work with others and get positive responses, and I do agree, I don't know how you turn it off when it comes to him Probably, over-compassionate and giving him too much rope. I did that with my boyfriend for awhile but I roped him in and make him see reality.. But I wanted him to see it for short periods of time.. Not long.. Drawn out. Just short. It was hard to picture him as my boyfriend really. He smokes MJ ( now) which I don't like either.

Things I've learned.. Only women understand women. We are responsible for our happiness. Sometimes we don't get what we want. We get what we need.. And the future is anyone's guess. But really, you shouldn't go by how long this relationship has been ( hel# with that) get another one.

 

[Friday]

Maybe it's because I cant comprehend sticking by someone and doing all that I have done to just realize it was a bad investment.

Or, another way to look at it, as simply not what you want.

Moving on from an abuser, to a good guy who wants different things in life than you do? Is a) a step up & b) quite possibly a necessary step between moving from abusive bio-dad that hasn’t been in the picture for years,: to the life you want to be living. Because you needed to learn WHAT you want in a partner, and HOW you want to be living your life.

My dad was gone at LEAST 6 months a year (military), my entire childhood. We were super close, and the arrangement suited my mom down to the ground. She was happy when he was there, and happy when he was gone. Ditto, we were usually several thousand miles away from both of my parents families. Also close with them, although we only saw them once a year. In my family? Separation doesn’t equal distance. Mad love, all around, and happy everyone.

Other people? Don’t spent one night apart in 50 years of marriage. Because that’s what they want, what makes them happy, and suits them right down to the ground. Or both work & life together, only being together for breakfast and dinner, like the 50 years never a night apart do, would be miserable to them.

There’s no right/wrong how people want to spend their lives. If being a hunting widow makes you miserable? But makes your next door neighbor wake up singing? That’s just 2 people who want 2 different lifestyles.

What you needed & wanted in a partner at the beginning of this relationship? May have been exactly THIS relationship. The space to do your own thing, and be independent. But that doesn’t mean that won’t change over time, as you do. So rather than a bad investment? A perfect investment... in yourself. In getting you to where you are today.

 

[Rollercoaster4]

Thank you for the alternative perspective and challenging. I gave my self the week to pull from my initial emotions from when I posted. I think that perspective you challenged me with is more conducive that my initial mindset.

 

[Rollercoaster4]

Thank you for the alternative perspective and challenging. I gave my self the week to pull from my initial emotions from when I posted. I think that perspective you challenged me with is more conducive that my initial mindset.

So follow up. Holidays were...stressful! I think he was not in the best place and we all got the rollercoaster ride of emotions. He admitted to this and said he was following up with his prescribing doc. I asked that he try to be transparent about what was going because I was noticing that his behavior was becoming odd again and I warned him it will kill the relationship if this isnt handled. To no avail within two days of that conversation the relationship took the hit. Needless to say once again others were a priority trumping family times for both the eves in the past week. Last night I finally reached my limit and when he decided to show up late to plans I chose to not let him in the home and requested he leave. This of course led to him stating that he is DONE, in the driveway multiple times, and asking for all his items. Then in turn blocking my number. I just cannot anymore. I'm sleep deprived and i'm just so exhausted with life from his lack of support and lack of mental and emotional stability. Breaks my heart but I have no other direction to go here and this pattern is never going to break. He does not have his shit together and I'm tired of "supporting" more enabling it and waiting. He clearly knew what he doing last night and the audacity to show up at my home and think he can sleep at my home after standing us up. It's like he was completely dumbfounded I wouldnt let him just waltz in. Im starting to think he is running a few cylinders short or he just doesnt give a crap. Mind you this was not even 24 hours after I said we take the next steps in life together or we need to move forward seperately to which he claimed he wanted to progress together. Well those words sure were opposite of the actions.

 

[SweetPainfulLoving]

I’m sorry that you are going through this.
It is such a difficult time of year.
Words don’t mean anything when the actions don’t match up.
I wish you peace in the New Year.

 

[blackemerald1]

Last night I finally reached my limit

i'm just so exhausted with life from his lack of support and lack of mental and emotional stability. Breaks my heart but I have no other direction to go here and this pattern is never going to break.

I'm so sorry that you are have reached this point Rollercoaster4 but knowing your own limits is a serious part of self-preservation and looking after yourself has to be your priority. :hug:

 

[Freida]

I'm sorry it's come to this but proud of you for standing up for yourself and your boundaries. :hug:

 

[Rollercoaster4]

Thank you. I definitely never stood up like that before but enough is enough I dont like being walked all over and that is what I let the diagnoses of the mental health do. Well at this point whatever may be a contributing factor, you all have reinforced for me that one can control it and that others who may struggle don't act the way he does towards their signficant others. He said he was done, well he gets to have that this time. Im tired of hearing I'm done. Its detrimental to my well being. So many negative emotions I constantly felt and I just will not expose myself to it anymore (self preservation time). He is not a priority anymore to me, he has lost that. I feel no guilt and if he is in a bad place that is on him to fix and save himself. In fact I dont want him to exist in my world because it is just straight up toxic. I dont beleive he means ill will but he and I are just totally different and are not on the same page and he wasnt willing to learn and move forward, he just kept repeating the same things that cause damage over and over. Let this be heard to those you read about supporters struggles, set boundaries. Please set boundaries for yourself...I should have set boundaries long ago. Maybe we wouldnt have continued to have issues, maybe I would of saved me and boys hurt, or just maybe I would have walked away years ago. I'm ready to grieve and move forward in my life.

 

[blackemerald1]

I feel no guilt and if he is in a bad place that is on him to fix and save himself.

^Good! Stick with this. You are correct, he must do the work, he must be responsible for his own medical/mental health and yes he must save himself. You cannot, nobody can save him from himself.

With people that are dedicated to being the healthiest they can be AND having a nurturing relationship with another, the dedication to both must be rock solid.

I'd hope that if he had been dedicated to working on his mental health and protecting the relationship with you that when he became unwell, as those with ptsd often do, you would have known that it was not for lack of trying on his behalf?

I'm ready to grieve and move forward in my life.

^I'm sorry you are now in this position Rollercoaster4 - I hope as the year unfolds things become a lot better for you.