Anxiety You're Not Welcome Here!

[Still Trying]

I really do understand your agony with your friends. I have at least one journal full of nothing but panicky worries about friends. And although I'm better with it now, I did find myself falling into the same pattern during my last meltdown two weeks ago.

I do understand the idea of "sharing the burden," although for me this was an additional issue. I have always been so private that it was agonizing to share anything. My therapist and friends said it would help to share, so then I always had these expectations that I would feel better when I was sharing with them. It seldom worked for me, though. I think I really wanted it to help, but then it hurt so much when I actually felt worse while they were there. It was just ugly. I'm told I wasn't as miserable to be around as I felt I was, but I don't know... I finally learned it was so much easier and felt so much better to just say "I'm having a really hard time right now, and I really need a hug and an encouraging word." Sometimes we went for coffee or ice cream, and sometimes it was just a hug in passing, but it was much easier, probably for both of us. I get the support without the agony of trying to actually explain everything because for me "sharing the burden" only made it worse.

I believe from your name and comments that you are a religious person. I think of my friend issues (again, it's easier when I'm stable) like the poem Footprints. Jesus is there carrying the poem's narrator during the most difficult times, even though the narrator can't see it. When I'm in meltdown mode, I can't "see" my friends, but that doesn't mean they're not there for me. It's so hard to trust in them or myself, but we can't give up!

 

[Deleted member 6617]

I love that poem and do believe it. I never thought of it in relationship to my friends though. I like that! I was with one of my friends today and she said if she didn't love me she wouldn't be so affected by my pain. Hmmm..... that is true. Had to hold back the tears because it hit me pretty hard in a good way when she said it. Funny (as in odd, not ha ha), what makes it through the storms in my head and heart and makes sense.

Thanks for the reminder of that poem and more important, it's meaning!

And NO...we can't give up!

PH

 

[anni]

I know she's a bit New-Agey, and I don't agree with the quotes on forgiveness ( a whole 'nother thread ) but I pull up Maryann Williamson's quotes often. She has a book called Illuminata, a Return to Prayer, which is dog-earred, tattered and irreplacable next to me bed. There's an awful lot of peace in her words and prayers, if you ever actively look for something. Also the 91st Psalm- I think it's the 91st-I just have copies of it tucked away everywhere so even forget which one it is. "They shall lift you up, lest you dash you feet against a stone"-that one, referring to angels of protection. At this point I don't much care if these deep beliefs are shared anywhere-they've helped me so much it's a moot point, worrying about acceptance of beliefs. To each his own.Anyway, when my copy of Illuminata wears out, or I end up giving it away to someone I think needs it more, another can always be found on ebay. I grew up in the church, my dad was a Lutheran minister but don't 'do' the organized church thing any more just for personal reasons. The basic faith stayed.

Conflict and rejection. Familiar little items, there! My T tells me the whole ball of wax boils down to basically self-dislike, which I'm beginning to at least see, or connect.Feeling worth even pursuing THAT line of reasoning takes some effort, since the implication of course is one is going to have to start liking oneself, eventually! Not there yet. So yes, do know what you're talking about, even listed as rambling. I'd say more like listing ingrediants, variables, and connections and coming up with just plain feeling awful! Even rambling while walking takes you somewhere-and not to sound too poetic but eventually we get to come home. God I'm always doing quotes-but have so many I LIKE because they are helpful. TS Elliot- 'The end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started, and know the place for the first time.' I think it just means there's a point we're trying to get to, in fixing all this dreck, and we will. I'll stop there before lapsing into another quote. :)

 

[Grama-Herc]

PH

When I joined the forum, I failed to realize that reading threads and articles would cause my anxiety/panic to increase. Acknowledging, exposing and discussing things with others and reading the diaries of others will do the same thing. It still does at times and I have to take a break from the forum. Just some food for thought!

 

[Deleted member 6617]

Anni,

I hope you don't ever stop quoting whether it be verse or scripture. I love it and find them helpful as well. The TS Elliot quote is how I think of what my therapist and I are working on. We go back and look at the memories to try and find who I am other than who the damaged me is. There is still the core of who I am under all the damage. We are going back to rediscover and redefine that me. Anyway, that's how my brain works it out.

Grama-Herc,

Thank you for your words of experience and food for thought. I wonder if you are sensing, reading, seeing, feeling things in my posts that have raised red flags? I hope I have not offended or said something out of place. Okay, pretty sad if I can create a worry out of friendly words of wisdom. UHG.....

PH

 

[bluecat]

Grama-Herc,

Thank you for your words of experience and food for thought. I wonder if you are sensing, reading, seeing, feeling things in my posts that have raised red flags? I hope I have not offended or said something out of place. Okay, pretty sad if I can create a worry out of friendly words of wisdom. UHG.....

PH

lol, PH, I came here at first to check how you're coping with your anxiety and then I read this and had to laugh. I am so on the same page. I've been posting left and right and all of a sudden since yesterday I am consumed by this worry that I will somehow step out of line or that my thoughts are stupid and I shouldn't be bothering people with them or that I will make people feel worse. I wrote several posts today and instead of posting them, I deleted them. There was nothing offensive, mostly just trying to be encouraging but I felt like they are just too stupid. Arrrgh. Maybe I just burnt out from being here too much as Grama-Herc says.

Anyway, besides my rambling, I hope the anxiety is easing a little for you.

Best,
Bluecat

 

[anni]

One can burn out, sometimes. Maybe with all the self-kicking we tend to do it's just also sometimes that you've absorbed some awfully profound things, and need to go process it for a bit, you know? I do it myself, so can sometimes see when others are being really tough on themselves.Maybe it's like that thing, where the stupid computer stops doing whatever it is it's supposed to so you give up and turn it the heck off. Sometimes, and incomprehensively when you turn the thing back on the next day or so, all the correct things magically appear where they're supposed to-probably from being left alone to cool down and re-format or whatever itself.

I do hope the anxiety is less. It's tough to get any forward motion going with all that adrenaline in the way, isn't it?

 

[bluecat]

all the self-kicking we tend to do

Yeah, we do a lot of it. I wonder for people who have trauma due to another person hurting them, if they just feel they need to be super introspective, since they know where a lack of introspection and self-control can lead? Funny thing though, after I wrote how stupid I feel about my posts yesterday, I could post again just fine. Like I just needed to apologize in advance, lol.

Maybe it's like that thing, where the stupid computer stops doing whatever it is it's supposed to so you give up and turn it the heck off. Sometimes, and incomprehensively when you turn the thing back on the next day or so, all the correct things magically appear where they're supposed to-probably from being left alone to cool down and re-format or whatever itself.

so dead on.

 

[Deleted member 6617]

LOTS of divorce issues. Financial and emotional and still no child support.

Eviction notice. What to do, how to keep home, panic

Job issues. I need more business or new job. I need income!

Addiction, withdrawals, cravings, staying clean

Not sleeping, exhausted

Cup is seriously overflowing....

ANXIETY YOU'RE NOT WELCOME HERE! I don't want you! Go away!

 

[anni]

Hee. I'll tell you where else it leads, also, if one pushes things. Not to turn the thread too far off track since it's a little bit along the same lines but here's what happens if one doesn't allow some coolng off for those neurons.

Push push push, and in one day of ignoring the signs, super-exertion I am Super Woman/Batgirl things begin to break loose. In one day ( and I realize I've posted this sort of improbable thing before so intend to provide pics if can re-size) I swallowed 3 small moths ( drank from wrong glass) used what I thought was PAM to coat to inside of my best cooking bowl and now have a frosted glass art-object because the PAM was a can of spray paint I thought for some reason belonged in the baking cupboard and topped that day with tripping on the backho bucket in the dark ( going for those dam eggs in the shed ) pitching full-length into said bucket half full of rain water. After rolling out of there did not know whether to go back in the house or just get in the car and drive away. Yes I got hurt, came back in wet, bleeding from foot to knee with goonie on head, my poor, poor husband just KNOWING he wasn't supposed to laugh.... .

Sigh. It's just what happens when you go into the push mode physically, ignoring all the signs. Things shut down on their own, I think, if one doesn't allow the processor to rest things for you!

You're allowed to laugh. Oh Lord, we did. Are moths poisonous?

 

[Deleted member 6617]

Sigh...signing out. Allowing processor to rest. Well, at least from forum. Processor never really rests.

 

[Tinyflame]

PH

Home worries etc are BIG worries, it's normal to feel as you do. I hope there is someone there to support or help you, and that you can find ways to get through this each day. Try to not let your mind worry/ torment you to death, you have survived so much.

-Hugs and prayers
xox