T has cancer

[Justmehere]

Damn Muttly. I’m so sorry your T has cancer. I’m glad you posted. This might be completely out there but some types of cancers and cancer non-profits have call lines for people who know someone with cancer who is struggling with the effects of it. I called one when a professional I knew and depended on had cancer. They were able to provide a moment of support and sorting out the guilt I had for ever asking for anything.

Thing is, cancer steals a lot from survivors. Your therapist has cancer, and I’m guessing doesn’t want the reality of cancer to steal away her job and her clients. You continuing to be her client may be helpful to her. She is able to manage the boundaries of her job and what she can and can’t do, as always. Cancer didn’t take that from her. Don’t let cancer take you from her unless she communicates she needs a break - and it doesn’t sound like she has said that at all. Some cancers are really life threatening, but when the docs says it’s highly treatable, cancer is seen more like diabetes or something. A condition that needs treatment and watching. Not time to panic and give up and run from her —at least not because of the cancer. If you need a break, take a break, but try not to manage her boundaries for her just because of a medical condition she has right now.

This may even be a good time to explore and work on any fears you have of her abandoning you, especially because the s has hit the fan in therapy before and you lost someone you relied upon before.

 

[Freida]

Mine is out for 6 weeks because she has breast cancer and is having a double mastectomy. And yep - I was self-centered enough to worry about what it was going to do to me first and worry about her second. Luckily we have a good enough relationship that I was able to admit that and we ended up laughing about it but it still came with a ton of shame on my part.

She was really worried about all of her patients - so she worked hard to make sure there were back up plans even if it was only to call the crisis line. We also talked about how it was a good chance for me to practice my coping skills when things go to crap at the worst possible time. And how to allow myself to be concerned for someone I care about because usually I just go straight into denial and isolation. This time around I had to be more aware of my own responses. Silver lining and all that.

 

[Muttly]

Old T had cancer. He seemed grudging about setting me up with backup plans the first time he was out. Next time he was out he didn't even though we asked. Even though, we, the king of understatement said we needed it. He just didn't. Old T got less and less available and less and less perceptive. Old T was never honest with how sick he was but you could see his health deteriorating.... and back to not setting us up with backup plan. We asked for help. We actually asked. We never ask. And we got nothing.

 

[Justmehere]

I remember how it shook out with your old T and it makes a lot of sense this would be extra hard. It would have been really hard on me to see someone decline and not know what is up, how to plan, what to do, etc. Asking and not getting what was needed... super painful. :(

Your T now seems to be a lot more upfront and open about things. Most Ts are taught to hide stuff like this from patients so they don't worry or try to protect the therapist from their own stuff, but maybe she understands what happened with your old T and is trying to handle it differently. I really hope you share your fears and what you don't want to have happen again when you get a chance. Yes, it's ok to do that. I know it doesn't feel like it helpful, but it will give your T and you a better chance of getting through this a lot better.

I have a hard time asking for what I need too. Rather poke my eyes out. The thing about asking is sometimes people can meet the needs, and sometimes they can't, but the more we ask, the more likely people can meet the needs. Don't listen to the old lies from abusers that it's not ok to have needs or that you are a burden for having them. It's NOT TRUE. If you don't ask, it almost ensures the needs won't be met. If you ask, it might happen that she can't meet what you need. That will be painful, but then you will have good information on how to respond more effectively to the situation.

 

[Eagle3]

When my T took his sabbatical from practicing during his cancer treatments, we had been having phone sessions about the break up until he stopped. It helped. What also helped was he posted updates on his Web page so his concerned clients could know he was still alive (a request I had made). While I did have to see another therapist while my awesome T was out, and was immensely concerned about him the whole time, when he came back to practice I was first in line to see him. It wasn't the same; you could tell cancer treatments had been really rough on him. But we worked through it together. It turned out to be a great experience, as I had to practice being a compassionate human while also expressing my needs and selfishness in healthy ways.

I wouldn't wish this experience on anyone, but since it's on your plate, try to make small steps towards healthy coping. It's a learning opportunity, albeit a shitty one.

 

[Muttly]

Your T now seems to be a lot more upfront and open about things. Most Ts are taught to hide stuff like this from patients so they don't worry or try to protect the therapist from their own stuff, but maybe she understands what happened with your old T and is trying to handle it differently.

Probably some of it is this. Some of it is just her style. Which is the point in a way. She is different than old T. I know that. But then that's hard too, because she's been more maternal than old T was. Well, to say that a different way, there's a maternal theme at times to our relationship which we've talked about. But the mom was the one more than anyone else who told us (or implied) we were selfish. The mom's needs always came first and the mom was always sick in some way so our stuff didn't matter because she was sick. Or our stuff caused her to be sick.

But we worked through it together. It turned out to be a great experience, as I had to practice being a compassionate human while also expressing my needs and selfishness in healthy ways.

Good to know it can go differently. I really appreciate all the feedback you've given and hearing of experience different than my last one.