Im just having a hard time today

[runswithwolves]

Its rough because I today is a crying day, just crying I don't even know why, I guess theres alot to cry about. My eyes are swelling which leads to more isolation because I don't want to be seen. I just feel afraid of everything at the moment especially people. I know this is a start to severe isolation which I try to avoid so I don't get worse. I had been working on developing better social support but now with this I feel I don;t want it. Why can I just stay home and hike and cook yummy food and never have to deal with people. Its too dangerous I never know a person intentions and I was warned that the people who hurt me keep tabs on you, they will pretend everythings okay and then set you up. I miss people I do. I miss the person I use to be the most. Loving to travel, loving everyone, smiling all the time, meeting random people and getting to know them, but now its terrifying. Its always in the back of my head, am I going to set up to be jumped, raped or worse. I have already been assaulted many times these past years. I won every fight, I defended myself, but how do I know. Could I just be a healthy ptsd survivor that isolates but just cooks and hikes and does other healthy things. IDK maybe I will feel better tomorrow, I still haven't stopped crying. Its important to feel strong and understand this is the illness the process and if I don't stay strong I will lose control.

I feel like I got myself into a situation like the movie Easy A and it got out of hand in the community as well, theres power in rumors, except my version has a bunch of assault and more. I am not a ho and the idea or rumor put me at such great risk.

 

[Survivor3]

I'll let you into a little secret. I was being targeted and bullied everywhere I went. Even cyber bullying. People calling me a grass. I went to the mental health services and they diagnosed me with psychosis. Made out I was making it all up. I filed complaints and certain docters apologised to me but that's how far it went. I nearly killed myself. Or nearly killed one of them. It was a close call.

Who do you have around you at the moment that you can trust, that's on your side?

 

[runswithwolves]

I'll let you into a little secret. I was being targeted and bullied everywhere I went. Even cyber bullying. People calling me a grass. I went to the mental health services and they diagnosed me with psychosis. Made out I was making it all up. I filed complaints and certain docters apologised to me but that's how far it went. I nearly killed myself. Or nearly killed one of them. It was a close call.

I don't think I will get even that. I would like to build a case, because its taken so much of my life and I can't work, I just want to get better. The police even refused to make reports with valid evidence, lied about my restraining order made me wait almost a year for the airagnment to not even file the right charges and dismiss it, the whole time I was recording and documenting my experienc even being told lies from lawyers and cops. Refusing to look at my evidence and tell me to give up. Tell me they know my harassment is real but wont file charges because I have PTSD which make uncredible. So now I got to put all these videos together and explain how survivors are still dealing with stigma and lack of resources. Prove we need to build a better system and heal our survivors. Sorry can not unrape, Sorry cannot undue my miscarriage. Sorry doesn't stop the nighmares the crying the fear. But you know what does knowing you at least fixed it. When I started this I read a study showing women who get raped or assaulted have a 40% chance of suicide. Why?!?!?!? That is not acceptable!!!!!! So I started recording thinking I am going through it now, its happening maybe I can figure it out. I can't undo my experience but maybe I can prevent them in the future. I am stuborn, I never tolerated bullying, so when I started going through it I didn't back down, I didn't give up, I stood up for myself and started recording, I went crazy a whole bunch, people treat me like I am unwelvomed and unwanted, but I never needed to be excepted or liked just left alone so I could recover and build my non profit. I am upset, I am dissapointed, I am heartbroken. but I wont be quiet I wont leave

 

[Survivor3]

Can I make a suggestion... You need to dump stuff. There's a psychological and therapeutic stand point where you've suffered so much stuff that no matter what you do 'it's all still there' eating away at you.

You know the truth but constantly going over it and re-hashing it just causes you more pain and turmoil.

Start dumping stuff and lighten your load my friend.

 

[runswithwolves]

it would be much easier to do if I can work and recover without harassment

 

[Survivor3]

it would be much easier to do if I can work and recover without harassment

who is still harrassing you?

 

[runswithwolves]

who is still harrassing you?

I don't know its hard to say, Ive gottan people to admit the harassment but never say exactly why and since Ive been a survivior of multiple people/groups its hard to say, I think its coming from multiple ends, and if you get raped and assaulted by several men especially taken men, they go after you reputation rather then admit not caring how people will react to it

 

[osiris]

*sits with you*

 

[runswithwolves]

*sits with you*

Thank you!