Ashamed of what I told T

[loui50]

I admitted to my T that I binge eat. Of all the crazy shit I've told her, this I'm ashamed of. Like don't want to go back ashamed. Want to crawl in a hole ashamed. It's nothing she said or did. It's all on me. I feel like I should have more self control and I'm embarrassed. I don't know what to do. I've been told to tell her how I feel and let her help but my next session is a week away! I'm sick to my stomach. I've been binge eating for years and I've never told anyone.

 

[Mee]

Well done - you are being courageous.

 

[Wendell_R]

It's incredibly brave to tell your therapist this secret you've been sharing.

The reason for going next week? To discover the world didn't implode after you told her and that she will support you fully. Feeling sick to your stomach is normal. Feeling ashamed and embarrassed is normal. If you can trust the process, you can make it through these feelings.

 

[osiris]

Totally in awe that you were honest. That’s super courageous.
Be kind to yourself today. You deserve it.

 

[whiteraven]

I understand feeling ashamed, but I hope you will give yourself a high-five for being so brave! And...if you talk about that feeling of shame, I suspect it'll lessen, even if just a little.

 

[Kamorth]

I wonder if you felt ashamed because this was something you do to yourself rather than something that was done to you. I know nothing about your situation so this is only a guess and I could be wildly wrong.

Assuming I'm at least close though, your guilt and shame is still completely misplaced. Disordered eating comes from disordered thinking and how the hell are you supposed to know if your thinking is off unless you talk to someone else about it? If you compare disordered thinking and behaviour to previous disordered thinking and behaviour without an "ordered" comparison, you're not going to make any progress at all. Talking to someone who is trained to recognize disordered thinking is pretty much the best thing you could possibly do in that situation.

Basically what I'm trying to say is you did the right thing. It can be super scary to say to someone else "Hey I'm having these symptoms and I don't know if they're okay or not can you help me figure it out" and doing so takes a HUGE amount of courage so, really, you deserve to be proud of yourself for it rather than ashamed. I mean I understand why you feel that way but what I'm trying to say is that you are definitely being far too hard on yourself and looking at this from the wrong angle. You said you've been hiding it for years so not hiding it anymore is a step forward that you deserve to pat yourself on the back for.

And to be clear, I'm not saying at all that the thinking that leads to the first sentence in my previous reply is at all correct either. I just think that you might be looking at it that way which would explain why you have never felt ashamed before but do now. You didn't decide to pick up binge eating as a hobby, it was a response to some other trauma that became a coping mechanism. It worked for you at one point but you've come to realize that it's not healthy and you're reaching out to ask for help. That's awesome progress.

 

[TruthSeeker]

I admitted to my T that I binge eat. Of all the crazy shit I've told her, this I'm ashamed of. Like don't want to go back ashamed. Want to crawl in a hole ashamed. It's nothing she said or did. It's all on me. I feel like I should have more self control and I'm embarrassed. I don't know what to do. I've been told to tell her how I feel and let her help but my next session is a week away! I'm sick to my stomach. I've been binge eating for years and I've never told anyone.

Been there, done that....it is an awful secret....but telling is the beginning of gaining control.....talking about it will give you ideas to better understand it.....and getting a T's continuous help will help you overcome it. Well done.....you've taken the first step! Go back with the intent to understand and conquer!

 

[loui50]

And to be clear, I'm not saying at all that the thinking that leads to the first sentence in my previous reply is at all correct either. I just think that you might be looking at it that way which would explain why you have never felt ashamed before but do now. You didn't decide to pick up binge eating as a hobby, it was a response to some other trauma that became a coping mechanism. It worked for you at one point but you've come to realize that it's not healthy and you're reaching out to ask for help. That's awesome progress.

Thanks for replying. You are exactly right. I think I'm ashamed and embarrassed because I did this. No one else did. My traumas are complex, I was a cop and abused as a child. But I could safely say none of that was my fault. This feels like my fault.

 

[osiris]

Thanks for replying. You are exactly right. I think I'm ashamed and embarrassed because I did this. No one else did. My traumas are complex, I was a cop and abused as a child. But I could safely say none of that was my fault. This feels like my fault.

Not your fault, even if it feels like that. Think your brain is trying to take control of areas it can.
I wish I had something useful to say, but you are not alone. *sits with you*