Childhood Body Memory? - Suggestions for how to make my body not feel hijacked every night by flashbacks? Or how to stop reliving CSA in my nightmares?

[Wonder Woman]

Taylor, it sounds like you're stuck in the middle of a flashback / being retriggered. I totally get being poor, but you need help. For me, the help was worth the cost, because I too couldn't live like that. I guess in the meantime, know that how you feel is part of the trauma, and not the real you. Hang in there. Get some consistent help. Keep reaching out.

What you guys are talking about is what I'm currently working on with my T. One of my questions last week, was "what if I liked it?" Not because I actually liked it, clearly I didn't, it's f*cked me up for life, but because in one situation, it led to arousal around older men in my family, and in another, because I froze and let other kids do things to me and don't really know why. Both situations included physiological arousal. My body responded as if I "liked" it... well, until you factor in the self-harm, then clearly I didn't like it at all. A lot of what happened to me happened young enough that I question my sexuality pretty regularly at this point. I know that being straight wasn't something I chose, it was chosen for me. I have no idea if I'm truly gay or straight. I've thought about kissing a girl to find out, but here's the rub... I get aroused at things I hate. It's such a mindf*ck. I thought I was permanently ruined. And, yes, of course there is so much shame. One of the hardest questions I've ever asked, is "what if I liked it?" How do you guys untangle what is trauma arousal from real arousal?

There are two other parts to all of it, first is my ability to be completely slutty with men, as if sex will lead to love. None of that is healthy, and doing things like that make me feel like I am worthless and are so reinjuring. To the point that I'm now celibate. Second, I don't, won't, can't and no f*cking way is anyone going down on me. My body will freeze. I will freak out. Sex hurts me physically, and I too pee a ton. The body knows. My body knows. And I have the same worries and thoughts you guys do:
What's wrong with me
What if I liked it
What if I did something to solicit it or encourage it
What if I'm some f*cked up perv because what turns me on is so f*cked up
I hate being pretty
Why do I feel this way
Why can't I force / make the thoughts and feelings go away
Don't touch me
I'll never have a normal sex life
I want a normal sex life
I don't even know what a normal sex life is
If I have sex, I'm afraid of getting STDs and STIs (like super freaked out about it)
I don't know if I'm straight or gay
I feel so alone
...
but, talking about this horrible stuff is breaking the secrecy, which helps. Finding out how normal these thoughts are for what happened helps too. Just please keep talking about this, because I need more voices to help me make sense of it all.

I know this is old thread, but I'm hopeful someone might read my post, and be able to offer some suggestions.

The psychologist I am working with keeps saying that I am putting the cart before the horse, but these physical sensations of pain mixed with the icky (might kinda feel good) sensations are truly becoming more than I can bear. So, I can completely relate. It doesn't help that I am now middle-aged, and feel like I never stood a chance of having a normal life, let alone any kind of intimate relationship with a man. It's just sh*tty, no matter how you try to "reframe" everything.

Oh, and I hate the word survior. Who in their right mind wants to simply survive, barely getting by, for decades. I feel as if I've led a half-life. Most of my decisions have been made from a place of fear, or trying to avoid further pain.

I've spent so much time in a zombie, auto-pilot, state of numbed disconnection that most of my life is foggy.

Except, now, the trauma is coming on full-force, with no end in sight.

Does anyone have any suggestions for how to make my body not feel as though it were being hijacked every night? Or how to stop reliving CSA in my nightmares?

 

[MyWillow]

It’s awful isn’t it. The best advice my psydoc (weekly T) has is to reassure my body that I’m listening and that I’m going to provide comfort. Wrap my arms around my body. What I need is often to curl up under the doona with my cats and dogs but sometimes I need to get up and have an iced drink or do some activity.

ETA: Oh and survivor? That goes to the bottom of the barrel with the t word (Trauma ugh ? )

 

[osiris]

@Wonder Woman
I feel like I could have written most of the thread you are quoting and I totally get what you are going through. The body definitely knows.
I have no advice - I’m sorry, my head is just too screwed right now - but please know you aren’t alone.

 

[Wonder Woman]

It’s awful isn’t it. The best advice my psydoc (weekly T) has is to reassure my body that I’m listening and that I’m going to provide comfort. Wrap my arms around my body. What I need is often to curl up under the doona with my cats and dogs but sometimes I need to get up and have an iced drink or do some activity.

ETA: Oh and survivor? That goes to the bottom of the barrel with the t word (Trauma ugh ? )

Thank you for your response. I wish I could have a cat again, but somehow I've grown severely allergic to them. ?

There is no possibility of me being able to not listen to my body when it's in this state. I'm doing the best I can to take care of myself, but at times even the simple things (like eating) feel like a monumental chore, beyond my current abilities. I've never been very good at comforting myself. None of the adults I had in my life as a child provided comfort; so my attempts at self-soothing often feel forced, or just don't ease my pain.

It certainly doesn't help that I only sleep three hours, or so, per night. Some nights, I'm unable to sleep at all. My body will start to drift into sleep, but it will shutter (often with a startling jerking) awake. Pretty sure, my body fears sleeping, because the nightmares are intense and are too much like what really happened to me as a child. If I do sleep, I awake to a hyperventilating, sweating, painful, just been raped-feeling state. So going back to sleep could take hours, but most likely won't be an option until the next night; during which the entire ordeal begins again.

(Ugh, I feel like such a stinking whiner.) Sorry.

I'm just so frustrated with this whole thing. Being numb, disassociated, and just getting through has been a way of life for me for so long, that now, these past several months of feeling everything is too intense. Quite honestly, I find it completely overwhelming. I don't remember feeling this much during the actual abuse and rape. I mean, isn't it enough I managed to get through it the first time? Why are my body and mind doing this to me? Really, what is the point?

I just don't see a light at the end of this tunnel. ?

 

[Wonder Woman]

@Wonder Woman
I feel like I could have written most of the thread you are quoting and I totally get what you are going through. The body definitely knows.
I have no advice - I’m sorry, my head is just too screwed right now - but please know you aren’t alone.

Thank you for your reply. I pray we will both find a way to do more than get through all of this. I hope we will find true healing, and be able to actually enjoy life in a way we never have been able to before this.

By the way, you probably are not nearly as screwed-up as you think/feel. Besides, the sh*t that happened to us is the thing that is screwed-up, not us. Please, try to be more kind to yourself, because you deserve it.

It's simultaneously heartbreaking and helpful to know I'm not the only one struggling with this.