I haven't said anything for a long time since nobody has noticed anything was wrong, but I've noticed something is wrong.
From November to January 2019-20 my house was under renovation (builders working in the house during the day) which somehow caused me to start having frequent nightmares. At some point in December I suddenly remembered a school trip in year 7 (8th Grade for Americans). It was either 3 days and 2 nights (or 5 days and 4 nights) where during the day we did basic 9-13 year old school trip stuff like rock climbing and team activities. During the evenings when we went back to the dorm everybody (8 beds in dorm) played "the rape game". Somebody would trigger the game (I think it was by turning off the lights) and but I can't remember the functions of the game clearly.
I googled the place this trip was at and the dorm we were in had 8 beds, but I remember there being less students than that.
I can remember that everything in this paragraph happened but cannot remember the details of how far the game was taken. On one night the lights were turned off, and I was tackled to the ground. I have one memory of being dry humped so hard I might as well have been kicked, something about this incident caused a teacher to open the door without knocking (we were making so much noise), and as the handle was pulled down I was trying to get out from under me friend who was doing whatever. When he finally noticed someone was coming in he let me go and I have a second memory of me pulling my trousers and underwear back up (mutually exclusive with the first memory) and sitting on the floor leaning against a bed on the opposite side of the room, putting on an act like nothing had been going on when the teacher asked us what he'd heard. (He'd probably thought a fight had broken out or whatever).
From the day we all went home I forgot the school trip, like it never happened, anywhere between then and a year later I woke up one morning and (you know those sexual urges you get when your awake and don't have to get up because your on holiday?) had strong sexual urges of receiving sex. That morning I seemingly randomly fantasized about receiving anal sex, (I had no memory of the school trip that morning) and went through the obligatory process of worrying I was gay. I'm not.
Come December 2019 (6 years later), the memory of the rape game suddenly popped into mind and 18 year old me realized it wasn't just something friends do on school trips. Since then I have randomly had moments in the day, with no discernible cause, where I can feel someone sexually assaulting me (I had been able to feel this before but had not connected the feelings to the school trip, as if it were consensual). Come March I had started randomly 'feel' somebody sexually assault me in more graphic detail random memories of someone from that dormitory climbing into my bed and [use your imagination for some reason I can't make myself write it].
But for years I went to school with the lads in that dorm, never getting on with most of them but only having problems with one of them, I suppose it's difficult to label anyone this or that for something they did to me when they were 11-12.
After reading about how some people can't function in day to day life its difficult to say that I have anything to complain about, but at the same time I'm concerned that I'm just passing my (serious) problems off as nothing to worry about. I've had these problems in the past, now I'm spending hours a day shaking and every morning obsessing about the details of the game (the few that I can remember) but so far no one has noticed.
I'm sorry if this came off like I was ranting, but its difficult to look into therapy around here right now because of Coronavirus. Is this something I should see a mental health person to talk about or am I being a hypochondriac? Is it wrong to call what happened on the school trip assault?
From November to January 2019-20 my house was under renovation (builders working in the house during the day) which somehow caused me to start having frequent nightmares. At some point in December I suddenly remembered a school trip in year 7 (8th Grade for Americans). It was either 3 days and 2 nights (or 5 days and 4 nights) where during the day we did basic 9-13 year old school trip stuff like rock climbing and team activities. During the evenings when we went back to the dorm everybody (8 beds in dorm) played "the rape game". Somebody would trigger the game (I think it was by turning off the lights) and but I can't remember the functions of the game clearly.
I googled the place this trip was at and the dorm we were in had 8 beds, but I remember there being less students than that.
I can remember that everything in this paragraph happened but cannot remember the details of how far the game was taken. On one night the lights were turned off, and I was tackled to the ground. I have one memory of being dry humped so hard I might as well have been kicked, something about this incident caused a teacher to open the door without knocking (we were making so much noise), and as the handle was pulled down I was trying to get out from under me friend who was doing whatever. When he finally noticed someone was coming in he let me go and I have a second memory of me pulling my trousers and underwear back up (mutually exclusive with the first memory) and sitting on the floor leaning against a bed on the opposite side of the room, putting on an act like nothing had been going on when the teacher asked us what he'd heard. (He'd probably thought a fight had broken out or whatever).
From the day we all went home I forgot the school trip, like it never happened, anywhere between then and a year later I woke up one morning and (you know those sexual urges you get when your awake and don't have to get up because your on holiday?) had strong sexual urges of receiving sex. That morning I seemingly randomly fantasized about receiving anal sex, (I had no memory of the school trip that morning) and went through the obligatory process of worrying I was gay. I'm not.
Come December 2019 (6 years later), the memory of the rape game suddenly popped into mind and 18 year old me realized it wasn't just something friends do on school trips. Since then I have randomly had moments in the day, with no discernible cause, where I can feel someone sexually assaulting me (I had been able to feel this before but had not connected the feelings to the school trip, as if it were consensual). Come March I had started randomly 'feel' somebody sexually assault me in more graphic detail random memories of someone from that dormitory climbing into my bed and [use your imagination for some reason I can't make myself write it].
But for years I went to school with the lads in that dorm, never getting on with most of them but only having problems with one of them, I suppose it's difficult to label anyone this or that for something they did to me when they were 11-12.
After reading about how some people can't function in day to day life its difficult to say that I have anything to complain about, but at the same time I'm concerned that I'm just passing my (serious) problems off as nothing to worry about. I've had these problems in the past, now I'm spending hours a day shaking and every morning obsessing about the details of the game (the few that I can remember) but so far no one has noticed.
I'm sorry if this came off like I was ranting, but its difficult to look into therapy around here right now because of Coronavirus. Is this something I should see a mental health person to talk about or am I being a hypochondriac? Is it wrong to call what happened on the school trip assault?