General When Is It Healthy To Walk Away?

[Ronin]

Hey,

Hope I have the prefix right, still unclear a bit on when to use which.

Q, at which point do you walk away from a relationship to protect your MH?

To be clear, partner wasn't / isn't, abusive. To me or anyone else.

But there were multiple things lately that have me honestly heartbroken & not able to get through to them - their impulsivity, some of which caused by medication issues, but some not, leading to life choices like moving states away without proper backup or basics secured, and ensuing things expectably not hilarious.

Tldr I *can* sort crime from continents away. But not when I'm lacking 80 percent of info I need & people don't listen to me about FFS calling local 911.

Dear is - at the moment of this writing - safe, but I honestly at <sad shrug>.

That we didn't even talk about whole the week I was realistically prepared for them hurt or worse, and now they acts as if nothing went on, is bit of another mind screw.

So since my experience with mostly healthy relationships be so abysmal, a Q :sneaky: Really not sure where I'm s'pposed to draw the line between caring for others, vs caring for me.

And more to the point, how to care for others, better. In case I should just stick with the gig.

 

[Sideways]

One of the things that us folks who have been abused have to learn how to do is: cut toxic people out of our life.

It becomes a huge achievement to be able to do that.

But:

Really not sure where I'm s'pposed to draw the line between caring for others, vs caring for me.

if the person isn't toxic, the question isn't necessarily whether to cut contact, or walk away, it may be to consider different boundaries, or rules/parameters to the way and extent that we engage with this person.

For example: I'm not going to walk away from this person, but I'm not going to take their calls for the next few months (and perhaps tell them that), and I'm going to limit our contact to one phone call, at a set time, each week.

That's just an example that may not suit your situation. The point is that you can be flexible about limiting/changing contact so that it's healthier for you, without bashing yourself over the head with the concept of completely abandoning/walking away from this person...

Or, maybe they are toxic to you, in which case, you're allowed to look after yourself and walk away.

 

[Ronin]

Yeh, I already shifted quite a few boundaries about contact - as in times I won't contact them, or days to take more pause and self care, it's more the...

I was fairly sure for years where the partner's mental health is at.

Enough to feel secure in the relationship.

And what I'm seeing lately is so many game changers / that they is waay less stable in many ways than I assumed.

Which leaves me on quicksand with any movements, as I literally don't know where they are at - and how much of what I'm told is colored by symptoms, instead of reality.

<< Which is the hardest bit for me I think, right after Never Abandon dilemmas. If I *know* something is a symptom I can deal with it. Not being sure bites.

 

[scout86]

Which leaves me on quicksand with any movements, as I literally don't know where they are at - and how much of what I'm told is colored by symptoms, instead of reality.

Do they know you feel that way? If they do, and they don't care, it seems like that would be a bad sign.

Relationships are very much not my best thing. So take anything I say with a grain of salt. A marriage counselor once told me, "Basically, you have three choices. Live with it like it is, change it, or get out." (A good friend added to that, "And if you decide to live with it like it is, you don't get to bitch about it.") In your case, living with it like it is doesn't seem to be a good option. Too much stress. Are there enough pluses to balance the minuses? What are the odds of things changing?

BTW, I've always like @Friday 's deal about only kids and animals can really be abandoned. Otherwise, people can pretty much make choices and do something about their situation. Personally, I like to be sure they know how I feel and what the options are. Makes me feel a bit more like I'm NOT abandoning them, but if it's not working and it's not going to change? Why stay?

 

[Sweetpea76]

It’s healthy to walk away anytime it’s not working. Being a martyr for a relationship never worked well for anybody. That shit’s for fairy tales.

Boundaries.... then more boundaries. Supporting somebody who is symptomatic is rough. Sometimes you just gotta let them do what they’re going to do, because frankly you cannot fix it. They don’t get to kick your mental health around in the process though. It’s OK to not be the fixer. It’s OK to say no. It’s OK to take a breather when you need it. I know it’s hard. It’s like watching a bird head for the ceiling fan. You can’t reason with the bird though. If they’re headed for the fan, they’re headed for the fan. You can try and shoo it away, but most of the time you just end up waving your arms around while they fly into it anyway.

When things get rough we always tell the supporter to take care of themselves. Put your own oxygen mask on first. It sounds kinda selfish, but honestly, you HAVE to take care of yourself first because this stuff is crazy making. The only thing worse than your partner losing their shit is for both of you to lose your shit simultaneously in two different directions.

 

[Ronin]

@scout86 & @Sweetpea76 Super useful, all you said, both of you. And thank you. ;)

That it's alright to move on if things aren't working out and change is nowhere in sight is very much the reminder needed.

And so is the one one can't save birds hell bent on self destruct. It cracked me up, Sweetpea, but also soo exact in what I'm stuck at / been trying for for boutta year and a bit, now.

/

As to your Q, Scoutie - Yeah, the partner knows how I feel about things, but it seemed that's where impulsivity / inability to plan ahead jumps in for them, hard. As in I got told so many 'Don't worry' reassurances that weren't the least bit reassuring & I felt p controlling a-hole for pointing out it's nice they's optimistic but it's unrealistic as f*ck. Which kept shutting down the talks fast. Not in a cold way. More in a 'I love you AND I'm not dealing with it' way.

Still more than a wee bit salty I don't manage to communicate that through better. :/ But shrug. Needs 2 willing people for a conversation, or it isn't one.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Escapism... I can always tell when mine is ramping up because it’s fantasy-land. He’s gonna buy a homestead in Oklahoma and live off the grid milking cows and such (even though he’s disabled). He’s gonna go live in an RV and travel the US. He wants to build a house. He wants to climb mountains and hike the Appalachian Trail (did I mention he’s disabled?).

There is no way in hell he can physically do any of that shit. I know it, he HAS to know it too... but in those symptomatic fits he’ll fight you if you try and point it out. Dude, you’re gonna do the Appalachian Trail on a cane?

It’s one of his “tells”. It’s how I know he’s getting bad. It used to terrify me, now I just let him talk out of his ass until he feels better. He hasn’t taken off yet, and if he does he can have fun milking cows for the 3 days or so it takes him to figure out he can’t bend over or carry buckets. I used to try and talk him down or reason with him, but I’m done stressing over what’s going on in his head. I’m a lot happier when I just let that go.

Sometimes you just gotta let it go.

 

[Ronin]

Yeah, mine tends to go right ahead... and do things.

And then holler with I unhappy, things are not working out as a grand adventure it felt like... Oh and I'm out of cash, too.

:banghead:

Just sitting on their ass and talking people I would take in a heartbeat, since I do that too, though all the sympathies to how annoying that can get.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Even if they do more than talk, it’s not your job to bail them out if they do not-so-bright things, and that’s true even if they’re unwell. They’re adults, and adults are responsible for their own actions.

“You’re not enjoying the adventure that you didn’t consult me about and/or I wasn’t on board with? AND you’re out of cash with a herd of cows that need milked? I’m sorry babe, that must suck.” *pats back, then whistles while flipping magazine page*

As long as the collective household isn’t taking the financial hit, that is. That’s a whole new set of boundaries and dealbreakers there.

It’s hard not to try and “manage” somebody who is going off the rails. They’re making bad decisions, they’re self destructive, they’re causing more stress to themselves which in turn makes them more symptomatic... all you want to do is put out all the fires and clean up the mess. They’ll just end up setting more fires over and over until they’re doing better though. Sometimes you gotta let it burn... just stay back so you don’t get singed.

 

[Ronin]

Damn solid advice & thank you, @Sweetpea76 :tup:

 

[Sweetpea76]

Once I mastered the art of “letting it go” I got a lot happier in my relationship. Mine makes me go “wtf” about three times a day. Usually wtf things run their course eventually without anybody getting hurt, and once i realized that, I could relax. I have my lines, and he knows not to cross them if he wants me to stick around.

 

[Butterfly64]

Escapism... I can always tell when mine is ramping up because it’s fantasy-land. He’s gonna buy a homestead in Oklahoma and live off the grid milking cows and such (even though he’s disabled). He’s gonna go live in an RV and travel the US. He wants to build a house. He wants to climb mountains and hike the Appalachian Trail (did I mention he’s disabled?).

There is no way in hell he can physically do any of that shit. I know it, he HAS to know it too... but in those symptomatic fits he’ll fight you if you try and point it out. Dude, you’re gonna do the Appalachian Trail on a cane?

It’s one of his “tells”. It’s how I know he’s getting bad. It used to terrify me, now I just let him talk out of his ass until he feels better. He hasn’t taken off yet, and if he does he can have fun milking cows for the 3 days or so it takes him to figure out he can’t bend over or carry buckets. I used to try and talk him down or reason with him, but I’m done stressing over what’s going on in his head. I’m a lot happier when I just let that go.

Sometimes you just gotta let it go.

Escapism...wow...I think it is the first time I have seen somebody mention that here....and it so reminds me of my exsufferer! I live in Scandinavia and he would talk about buying an RV and drive around the US alone or with a friend or live in Spain during the winter or simply move somewhere south. All this talk while I was hoping he would become ready to be in a relationship and not situation with me...hurtful. I felt it was escapism because I simply can’t see him moving away from his family and friends...it is simply not realistic.