Otherwise known as codependency on steroids.
I feel this deep sense of needing to “fix” all of the things wrong. I know this has got to be related to the fact that I was always the fixer growing up and even now. I’m the one who settles fights, gives advice, is almost entirely depended on to right any wrongs in the family. And at this point I don’t know how not to. It’s so ingrained. It comes out when talking to friends, coworkers, bosses. If someone is upset (doesn’t matter if I caused it or even have any power to change it) it becomes my job to fix it. With everything going on that drive has been heightened and I feel powerless and I don’t know what to do with myself or how to get rid of this feeling and just be okay with situations. I know I’m supposed to accept that I can’t change everything, I can’t even affect everything, but I want to. I need to. Or I’m a complete failure and don’t deserve to be here.
I found fixing as creating dependence on me-but it also sometimes crossed boundaries because I wasn't asked.....it was unsolicited, When I left the dysfunction home of 25 years,....which I spent every waking hour trying to fix or keep situations from breaking-worse than they were, I realized my purpose in life got kinda vague. I was always focused on everyone else...not me. When you spend your life doing the eggshell dance, and then there's no one there and no need to walk on egg shells....it's downright uncomfortable. Leaving the dysfunctional members put me in a quandary.....I didn't have a purpose. So, when I'd find a likely person to fix, or feel like calling someone I knew was needy.....so I could fill my role, and de-stress, I ended up asking myself these questions during the first 2 years away from the dysfunctional family:
Is this my problem to fix? If your answer is no, not really, or probably not- don't do it. Say NO.
Did they ask for my help? If your answer is no, don't do it. If they didn't ask you.....let them grow up and figure it out.
Am I crossing any boundaries, enabling, or creating dependency if I help? If /possible/maybe/yes, don't do it. Creating dependency makes you a fixer for life. Then when you say NO, you become the mean bad guy....you changed......
Will fixing this situation create an unbalanced relationship (fixer-needy person)? If maybe/yes, don't do it. Healthy relationships have give and take in about equal amounts across time....unhealthy relationships have give...give....give....and the other person....take, take...take... and the fixer almost always gives way more than they get.
This has worked in keeping my new relationships healthier and more balanced and I severed all the unhealthy ones. While there are different kinds of help (driving a friend to the pharmacy) vs letting them move in......without an end date (yeah, no) I kind of went cold turkey on not helping others for a while. You know what happened....they are still well and alive without my help!
Healthy people I hang with now don't leach off of me.....the unhealthy ones expected me to fix their problems, spend $ on them, lend money in jam after jam, not tell someone something they wanted to keep a secret-not my job to be go between, and be peacemaker, etc. Life is so much simpler when fixing isn't seen by the people I'm now hanging with as my primary job.
What to do in transition. Make a list of fun things you currently like to do, and a list of things you'd like to learn to do, and a bucket list (this is all about you and getting your own needs met). The list can be as creative as you like.....write out a schedule....and when you feel the need...be prepared with what you need and go do something on the list. Redirection was a huge piece in changing the fixer behavior from someone else....to meeting my own needs....which I had totally neglected.
