Hey, I stayed with my friend for the night for some distraction and head space. This'll probably be a long ass reply. So apologies.
If I can not care? I’m fine.
If I do care? It’s like a major hair cut... I barely even notice the sheer weight dragging me down until I leave the area and then WOW! I feel so LIGHT! :wideeyed:
I genuinely have no idea if I care or not. Coming back from friends in another city I felt shit coming home, but I kinda get that feeling anyway when I go home from somewhere so it's hard to tell :laugh:
Rather than each of those things, day in and day out, being part of the pressure that just keeps building.
Yeah. I don't think I have the headspace to stay aware all the time. Like I kinda amnt great at that balance thing, I have the stress out and be aware thing, or pretend it's not a thing thing.
I CAN take it into account, and bleed off far more stress & the whole self care schtick than I usually do / far more than I think I “need”... so that I’m not being buffeted by symptoms from mounting stress, in addition to the rest of it.
Yeah, I'll try n do nice shit for myself n be not a pure disaster zone in other areas of my life, heh.
Does the local LE know anything?
No. My irl mate that knows has bf in police, and he's aware (without names of me or them), but basically it'd get investigated if I reported it n made a statement even if I didn't agree to it. Cos of the scale of whatever n Scottish laws etc.
That fight can totally look like evading the hardest. And enlisting help. And processing it so I actually am *me* about it, instead of dissociated this one or that one reaction ball to these assholes again showing up in my life.
Yeah. I have a T but she's new (and basically a space filler waiting on NHS T) she barely knows any of this situation. Like I think I've said one sentence about it so far. I video call her on Friday afternoon though.
Do you know how recent the move was?
Not for certain, but I'd guess pretty recently, like past couple of weeks based on when I hear about most things.
Have they been around for a few months already and not tried to contact you? (would help you determine if you're a target). Have their life circumstances radically changed since you last knew them? (If they've had a religious conversion, or are married with kids, or work in a helping profession, etc, etc
No radical life changes. I last heard of him assaulting someone I knew about a year ago. He was married with kids when I was there, was already religious and he has refugee status so unable to work legally. So they mostly work factories etc. Most (all?) healthcare jobs I know of here require too many background checks
Can you find out where they live/work? (this is all social-media type stuff, internet search, etc.)
Without adding any to FB their profiles are private (and I am still hoping they don't even remember I exist), I have screenshots of their Facebooks but they're not on electoral register or owt, cos refugee status so can't vote. I'm not sure what else to search for, heh.
The other category has to do with those feelings, worries, thoughts - and how you manage them. All that stuff that gets dredged up by the past - stuff that you can be reasonably certain is a trauma reaction. That will be going on whether or not you're in any potential danger, and it's gonna need some addressing.
Yeah. I can't really decide whether I'm being trauma nuts, relatively balanced, or totally dissociated from it all. Or all, or neither :laugh: literally, no clue. But yah, T on Friday so ?
I guess I just don't want you to gunk yourself up with the idea that the proximity of a person is something to be more than aware of... like I shared... some of mine dropped on me like a bomb from out of the f'ing blue. Prepare for contingencies, and if you can location track the guy for a while to feel better and have his identifycation stuff if need be... but keep on with your life.
Yeah, I can take easy guesses as to where he is most likely to be in my city and where he will hang out, but Id have to track that in person, cos there's nowt online and I'm not sure that's entirely sane for me, heh.
Are you worried that he might do something to do you? Maybe it is trusting that the power he had over you is gone. That he now is not able to hurt you in that way again? Maybe building trust in this somehow?
I don't think it's much/anything to do with power over me. Not emotional power anyway. Im aware that he is still both physically stronger and more willing to fight dirty than I am. So I'm not sure the decision *is* different. The aftermath maybe, but if he sees me and decides he wants to f*ck shit up, he still can just as easily as before.
If you do see him again, it is likely to be in the street by accident. So maybe building in a safety plan for yourself? Like crossing the road. Or going into a shop. Phoning a friend. Or something to take you physically away from him and in turn making you feel safer.
Most of it happened when I'd be randomly doing day to day shit n they'd see me and take me wherever, often obvious to everyone else it was clearly by force. I spent the whole time phoning friends, crossing roads, f*cking around and hiding when I saw them. Without 24/7 hypervigilance it's impossible (you'd think I'd have that down, but despite this PTSD bollocks I'm still a very distractable person :p )
Maybe if it's not too painful mentally go through what you would do in the event you saw him.
I'd get the f*ck somewhere else. But like I said above, he sees me first, I'm pretty sure there's nowt I can do ? and I'm trying to work out if that's a trauma thought, cos it *sounds* like it. But I also genuinely think it's realistic, based on specifics from before.
Thanks everyone for replies.
