I'm a very self-aware person, but one thing I've learned to hide from myself is my anger. It was a necessary survival skill when I was a child. Sometimes it spills out in the form of passive-aggressive communication or seething resentment... if as a scientist I can pick up these clues, I can deduce logically that I'm angry without consciously feeling it.
I was in a meeting the other day in someone's office where I was very confused, and another person pushed my arm repeatedly towards a chair and said 'sit' and she continued talking with him. Even though I knew I was ready to leave, I was further confused that I needed to stay, and assumed she knew something that I didn't. So I went and took a chair and was thinking "What the eff am I doing here? Why am I sitting?" When the guy whose office it was turned to me and said "I thought we were done, I need to leave, is there anything else?" I caught myself saying "she told me to sit here" and walked out. I journaled about the incident because I was trying to figure out why I made that comment to him denying responsibility for sitting there, and then I realized that I was really, really angry at her for pushing me around. But somehow at the time I went into childhood compliant mode. If someone tells you to do something, you better not question it and just do it. I have so many issues around power dynamics and compliance that I can't even begin.
I honestly had NO idea at the time how infuriated I was with her. Being ordered to sit by itself I think would've just irked me a bit, but with the arm pushing? I don't really care what she was thinking or why she did it (I assume no bad intentions on her part), because that action drove me up the wall. I find that while I don't get angry that often (at least, I don't think I do!), I have a hair trigger raging temper around being ordered around or forced into something.
A few years ago, a notable event. When my ex boyfriend told me jokingly in a way that reminded me a little too much of childhood to take a shower one morning while lying in bed, I purposefully sat down as hard as I could on his leg and glared at him and said I hoped it hurt, before stalking off. He was in complete and utter shock, and luckily once I realized what I had done, I came back and apologized. I cried and said I had no idea why I had done that or where it came from. I really loved him, and I was so consumed in that moment with wanting to hurt him that it scared me. Like in that infuriated moment, I felt like doing way worse to him than sitting on his leg.
There are so many situations where I've really begun to implement assertive communication, and even use it reflexively. It's a great new skill to have. But when it becomes about power and control in ways where I feel directly targeted (but not in danger), I get seriously rage-triggered. I want to scream at the top of my lungs, push them, throw things, whatever. If I'm trying to do something and someone interferes and touches me or tries to do it for me, it sets me off. But then it seems like I'm just as likely to go into silent compliant mode and really bottle up those feelings. Unfortunately for me physical touch often causes discomfort. I also have a fear of being smothered, so I can't cuddle or snuggle for too long with someone. I will suddenly get up and go do the dishes or something and feel anxious and angry and overstimulated.
It's hard for me to make sense of all of this. What makes you all angry? Do you get feelings of overwhelming rage too? I wish I understood what was going on exactly and what I can do about it.
I was in a meeting the other day in someone's office where I was very confused, and another person pushed my arm repeatedly towards a chair and said 'sit' and she continued talking with him. Even though I knew I was ready to leave, I was further confused that I needed to stay, and assumed she knew something that I didn't. So I went and took a chair and was thinking "What the eff am I doing here? Why am I sitting?" When the guy whose office it was turned to me and said "I thought we were done, I need to leave, is there anything else?" I caught myself saying "she told me to sit here" and walked out. I journaled about the incident because I was trying to figure out why I made that comment to him denying responsibility for sitting there, and then I realized that I was really, really angry at her for pushing me around. But somehow at the time I went into childhood compliant mode. If someone tells you to do something, you better not question it and just do it. I have so many issues around power dynamics and compliance that I can't even begin.
I honestly had NO idea at the time how infuriated I was with her. Being ordered to sit by itself I think would've just irked me a bit, but with the arm pushing? I don't really care what she was thinking or why she did it (I assume no bad intentions on her part), because that action drove me up the wall. I find that while I don't get angry that often (at least, I don't think I do!), I have a hair trigger raging temper around being ordered around or forced into something.
A few years ago, a notable event. When my ex boyfriend told me jokingly in a way that reminded me a little too much of childhood to take a shower one morning while lying in bed, I purposefully sat down as hard as I could on his leg and glared at him and said I hoped it hurt, before stalking off. He was in complete and utter shock, and luckily once I realized what I had done, I came back and apologized. I cried and said I had no idea why I had done that or where it came from. I really loved him, and I was so consumed in that moment with wanting to hurt him that it scared me. Like in that infuriated moment, I felt like doing way worse to him than sitting on his leg.
There are so many situations where I've really begun to implement assertive communication, and even use it reflexively. It's a great new skill to have. But when it becomes about power and control in ways where I feel directly targeted (but not in danger), I get seriously rage-triggered. I want to scream at the top of my lungs, push them, throw things, whatever. If I'm trying to do something and someone interferes and touches me or tries to do it for me, it sets me off. But then it seems like I'm just as likely to go into silent compliant mode and really bottle up those feelings. Unfortunately for me physical touch often causes discomfort. I also have a fear of being smothered, so I can't cuddle or snuggle for too long with someone. I will suddenly get up and go do the dishes or something and feel anxious and angry and overstimulated.
It's hard for me to make sense of all of this. What makes you all angry? Do you get feelings of overwhelming rage too? I wish I understood what was going on exactly and what I can do about it.
