How Do You Overcome The Impulses?

[Iam]

I know many of us struggle with suicidal thoughts from time to time. Right now mine are impulses that are getting stronger, to the point where I don't know how long I can keep fighting them off. Nighttime is the worst. I keep having these flashes of following thru with my plan. I can see myself doing it. These flashes come unbidden and my anxiety skyrockets. I checked myself into the hospital last week, doubt they'd take me in again.

I keep looking at photos of my granddughters, of my sons, of fun time and things I like to do. That used to help. It is not now. I feel so trapped. There is no-one I can trust anymore. I have been hurt for the last time and WILL NOT trust again so am having trouble seeing the point.

Please tell me how you have fought off the impluses when they are so strong. Is there a way?

 

[deer_in_headlights]

Hi Iam,

I came onboard tonight because I'm struggling, too. Seeing your post... brings to mind and heart that we're not alone in this. I don't have much energy, but as long as I'm up, tonight, (up anyway, dern nightmares) I'll be sending you warmth, caring...

There are numerous ways of fighting off the impulses. Unfortunately, in this kind of pain, tunnel-vision sets in and we "forget" what they are and begin to sink deeper into despair.

I think one big one is when a plan for offing ourselves comes up, rather than envisioning it, "STOP the thought" instantly. Don't develop the scenario.
Staying Present
Jadebear's thread on what keeps us alive, I think is a great idea.
Humor helps a lot!
(I have a collection of humorous books and movies - really helps)
Being needed (for me, especially needed by innocent, trusting, loving animals)
Being with animals
Being outside in nature
Prayer
Soft gentle music
Flowers
One of my therapists told me, when I felt utterly useless and pointless... he pointed to a plant nearby and said, (paraphrasing) "That plant is being sustained by your breath. It benefits by your being here. You have purpose and are important in this world. At the worst, just breathe toward a plant, and know that you are useful and needed."
At my very worst, I do breathe toward plants, and know I did something worthwhile this day.

(More, but sick and weak, so will close) I'm so sorry you're struggling Iam... you are in my heart and thoughts,
deer_in_headlights

 

[brokenchild]

For me, I'm scared of failing. Of people knowing how messed I really am. If I knew my plan was 110% fool-proof, I don't know what I'd do.

 

[Jade-]

Iam, when I'm having those thoughts/impulses, I just have to force myself to distract from them. Like when I started the "what's keeping you alive" thread. I forced myself to find things to post. Some of the things I said were stupid as hell. That wasn't the point though, the point was keeping my mind distracted. I still go back to that thread when I'm having those thoughts.

You recently started wellbutrin, right? maybe you should have a talk with your doctor about what's going on. It's possible it could be the med. increasing the thoughts/impulses.

Hang in there. Don't give into it. We would all be lost without you.

 

[Sethe]

Iam:

Unwanted thoughts can be pretty scary. I wish I knew some magic words that we could all use to get rid of them. I do find animals soothing. Right now, I have a huge cat lying next to my pillow (he somehow manages to wedge himself in) and he's purring! I know that even if I have a crappy day, he's there and he's purring. Sometimes just petting him relaxes me. Do you have any pets?

 

[PTSDT]

My understanding as I have begun my new type of therapy is that the unwanted thoughts/avoidance makes it worse. I was really tough when I was facing the years of trauma. Now I feel so weak. Part of my homework is to go somewhere safe, feel the anxiety, stay anyway and leave after my anxiety gets lower. I have a coach/friend who goes with me sometimes if needed. It is very stressful preparing to go and I have an overwhelming fear of crying or screaming in public, but so far, starting with small private things at home and working my way out into the world (parts with very few people so far), the intrusive thoughts seem to be happening less over time. So the prolonged therapy seems to be working for me slowly with a lot of ups and downs and with a lot of need for support. The support has been overwhelming my carer which is scary. But, today I made myself do something by myself. I had a flashback and sat on a bench by myself until it went away. No one knew but me. Wearing sunglasses helps me a lot. I even wear sunglasses to the store sometimes. I pretend I'm reclusive movie star!

 

[Jawn]

Jadebear is right Iam, if you are on a new med you could be experiencing a side effect of it. Discuss it with the doc ASAP.

Hang in there Iam,

Jawn

 

[anni]

Yes, something is ticking off this exhausting, destructive tape, Iams, you know? You have some awfully good answers and I do feel Jadebear and Jawn just plain hit it. Everyone's chemistry is very specific-what works for someone might not for another and indeed, but counter productive. It doesn't have to be MORE meds, just different ones perhaps.

I also liked Jadebear's distraction take on this, you know. Even if you don't feel you can, turn on the lights, move around, and just plain look until something or other sparks some interest enough for a distraction. Sometimes even reading comforting things, or looking at family pics doesn't quite do it since that awful voice in one's head disallows one to feel deserving of these things, I know, believe me. You know that breathe in 5, hold 5, exhale 5 thing? It must distract the brain sort of 'behind our backs' since it helps to start, then I tend to get one Google and type in whatever, horses, folk art, old masters ( artists), castles, anything in images- it's never anything which will tug the heartstrings, either, since the whole emotional thing is what one is trying to step back from in the first place ( although this has just been me- everyone is different. I just find it better to not add one more thing to the emotional scale on any level, you know? ). The last thing I got onto, which I found distracting as heck ( albeit goofy ) was, for Heaven's sake, cupcakes, then those impossibly intriguing cakes they make whole shows out of on TV.

I'll shush, in case am too wordy hence annoying. I know you'll come up with some way to step back from that place, Iams. I don't mean to make it sound easy, but it's possible. Your chemistry does sound as if something just plains requires looking into. Please know you're so worth the attention of having someone figure this out with you quite. quite soon.

You can see we're all here. It's something.

XXOO

Anni

 

[Nighthawk]

Iam,
What is the point has been a question I have been asking myself for the last few weeks. I really am not sure of the point but for now have chosen that there does not need to be one for me to exist. I will continue one step at a time till I find my way out. Our scales tip so easily and too keep level takes so much hard work. I really hope you have had the chance to speak to your Dr. about the meds.

Wishing you well
Nighthawlk

 

[intothelight]

Hi Iam,

I am sorry to hear you are struggling so. I don't have anything to add, as I think it has been covered with the previous post.

Just want to know I am thinking of you and praying for you.

(((Hugs)))

ITL

 

[Iam]

Thanks to all of you. I have an appt with my Dr. a week from tomorrow. I think that the Wellbutrin just hasn't kicked in yet and that the impulses are residual from last weekend's breakdown. I am sure guilt about the breakdown and having to be hospitalized adds to it along with finding out that my close friend & confidant betrayed my trust by telling a mutual friend about it.

I seem to be doing a little better today. Got out and volunteered in my granddaughter's kindergarten class then took my 3 yr old GDaughter out for lunch and to the library. I had lots of anxiety, but the distraction did help.

Also met with my T today. We worked on choosing not to follow my "gut" emotional reactions to current situations. Made a list of the negative emotions and talked about recognizing them for what they are (reactions to past beliefs about myself) and talking back to those old recordings. We both agreed that my getting drunk exacerbated everything. I left feeling like crying. I know he is right that I have to choose not to listen to the old recordings and feelings.

Thanks for all the feedback on fighting impulses. It does help ;o)

 

[Deleted member 1860]

You probably shouldn't listen to me, but I just sleep. Bad day? Feeling like doing something stupid? I go to bed. It helps that I have sleep meds that knock me out cold. I do realize this is a problem...