piratelady
MyPTSD Pro
I am hoping you guys can help me use my words better. My therapist and I seem to be at sort of an impasse. I’m struggling with something that I think I’m explaining really well, but he clearly isn’t understanding me. Like we keep talking past each other.
We’re processing csa. He explains the rational thoughts and I’ve even come to believe them most of the time. The rational thoughts are: it was abuse, it wasn’t my fault, there was nothing I did to deserve it, if step-dad1 hadn’t been a part of my life, it never would have happened, and I didn’t want it to happen/ I’m not a deviant because if I had wanted it/enjoyed it then it wouldn’t create so much distress now.
So, the thing is looking at it rationally brings up all of these distressing and overwhelming feelings. I find them to be really uncomfortable and difficult to deal with. If I think about it irrationally (I wanted it, I deserved it, it wasn’t abuse, etc), yeah there is pain with that, but it’s a type of pain I’m used to. Also, when I get overwhelmed or triggered the habit is to dredge up all the irrational thoughts. Like if my husband wants to have sex and I don’t want to, but I don’t say anything and do it anyway. It feels wrong to me and all the irrational thought. The problem is that now there is a conflict between the rational and irrational. Like I can tell myself all the irrational stuff, but I don’t really believe it and it’s creating a lot of distress. It’s like we’ve fixed half the problem. Like we’ve reopened and cleaned the wound but haven’t put neosporin and bandages on.
It is kind of a choice to look at it irrationally. He’s started calling it psychological self-harm. I don’t agree with that title for it, but that’s a whole other discussion.
Therapist doesn’t seem to understand how this is a coping mechanism. And I don’t even think I’m explaining it well here. It’s like dealing with some feelings, I know how to do it, dealing with others just feels like everything is crashing down on me and I’m afraid I’ll break.
This is an excerpt from my private journal that I emailed to therapist that I thought explained it really well. It didn’t seem to land the way I thought it would. In this journal the “sentences” are things like calling it for what it is. I can’t write or say more than “I was a” I think you guys know the rest of that sentence. Anyway... my journal excerpt:
That's really the problem with finishing those sentences too. I can't do it on my own without getting emotional. Finishing those sentences means actually acknowledging what happened rather than what I'm always telling myself. It means looking at it for what it was. There are so many feelings that go with that, feelings I keep pushing away, that keep coming out sideways. So I tell Therapist that I can't do it on my own. But dealing with it in therapy means being vulnerable. It means letting my guard down. That's not something I've ever felt like I can do. Really though, that should be the one place I can do that. I mean if it went badly, I could just never go back. I doubt it would though, I don't really have any reason to think it would.
The alternative is getting really difficult to cope with. I am torn and there is conflict. Part of me wants to believe that I wanted it to happen and I deserved it. That my failure to move or say something, or do anything to stop it makes everything that happened afterwards my fault. I believe what Step-dad1 called me - I'm a whore. I am a deviant. Those are thoughts that I'm comfortable with. I've dealt with them for years. Yes, it hurts, but it's hurt I deserve. But then there are the things we've been talking about in therapy. That it wouldn't have happened if Step-dad1 hadn't been a part of my life, I wouldn't have done that on my own. Or that I wouldn't react the way I do now to intimacy and conflict if it weren't for what happened...that contradicts what I've been telling myself for so many years. And when I look at it rationally...there is such sadness and hurt. When I go back to that memory in my mind, I see it for what it was and all those emotions hit me. It feels like it's too much. it makes me want to cry, but I don't like crying so...back to the irrational and doing things and acting in ways to convince myself that those things I think about myself are actually true. It really is a giant conflict that is creating a real mess.
Is there a more clear and concise way to say this?
We’re processing csa. He explains the rational thoughts and I’ve even come to believe them most of the time. The rational thoughts are: it was abuse, it wasn’t my fault, there was nothing I did to deserve it, if step-dad1 hadn’t been a part of my life, it never would have happened, and I didn’t want it to happen/ I’m not a deviant because if I had wanted it/enjoyed it then it wouldn’t create so much distress now.
So, the thing is looking at it rationally brings up all of these distressing and overwhelming feelings. I find them to be really uncomfortable and difficult to deal with. If I think about it irrationally (I wanted it, I deserved it, it wasn’t abuse, etc), yeah there is pain with that, but it’s a type of pain I’m used to. Also, when I get overwhelmed or triggered the habit is to dredge up all the irrational thoughts. Like if my husband wants to have sex and I don’t want to, but I don’t say anything and do it anyway. It feels wrong to me and all the irrational thought. The problem is that now there is a conflict between the rational and irrational. Like I can tell myself all the irrational stuff, but I don’t really believe it and it’s creating a lot of distress. It’s like we’ve fixed half the problem. Like we’ve reopened and cleaned the wound but haven’t put neosporin and bandages on.
It is kind of a choice to look at it irrationally. He’s started calling it psychological self-harm. I don’t agree with that title for it, but that’s a whole other discussion.
Therapist doesn’t seem to understand how this is a coping mechanism. And I don’t even think I’m explaining it well here. It’s like dealing with some feelings, I know how to do it, dealing with others just feels like everything is crashing down on me and I’m afraid I’ll break.
This is an excerpt from my private journal that I emailed to therapist that I thought explained it really well. It didn’t seem to land the way I thought it would. In this journal the “sentences” are things like calling it for what it is. I can’t write or say more than “I was a” I think you guys know the rest of that sentence. Anyway... my journal excerpt:
That's really the problem with finishing those sentences too. I can't do it on my own without getting emotional. Finishing those sentences means actually acknowledging what happened rather than what I'm always telling myself. It means looking at it for what it was. There are so many feelings that go with that, feelings I keep pushing away, that keep coming out sideways. So I tell Therapist that I can't do it on my own. But dealing with it in therapy means being vulnerable. It means letting my guard down. That's not something I've ever felt like I can do. Really though, that should be the one place I can do that. I mean if it went badly, I could just never go back. I doubt it would though, I don't really have any reason to think it would.
The alternative is getting really difficult to cope with. I am torn and there is conflict. Part of me wants to believe that I wanted it to happen and I deserved it. That my failure to move or say something, or do anything to stop it makes everything that happened afterwards my fault. I believe what Step-dad1 called me - I'm a whore. I am a deviant. Those are thoughts that I'm comfortable with. I've dealt with them for years. Yes, it hurts, but it's hurt I deserve. But then there are the things we've been talking about in therapy. That it wouldn't have happened if Step-dad1 hadn't been a part of my life, I wouldn't have done that on my own. Or that I wouldn't react the way I do now to intimacy and conflict if it weren't for what happened...that contradicts what I've been telling myself for so many years. And when I look at it rationally...there is such sadness and hurt. When I go back to that memory in my mind, I see it for what it was and all those emotions hit me. It feels like it's too much. it makes me want to cry, but I don't like crying so...back to the irrational and doing things and acting in ways to convince myself that those things I think about myself are actually true. It really is a giant conflict that is creating a real mess.
Is there a more clear and concise way to say this?