Needing Order

[RussellSue]

You go be a f*ckwit by yourself, thanks. I’d rather spend my energy on amazing people, doing brilliant things.

This is my husband's attitude and he is all about me adopting it. I, unfortunately, second guess and eventually make myself nuts with verifying that I am being fair to all parties involved. Though, I am getting better about taking the stance that being fair to myself does sometimes involve leaving the building.

Idiots and assholes, meanwhile, are a dime a dozen, and bore me.

I constantly feel guilt for assuming the other person really is just an asshole. I know that people make these assessments about other people daily but codependency is lame. This is a whole lot of why I am getting better about walking out of situations -- I can't take all the stress. First I am frustrated that this winner can't get his shit together and then I end up pissed at myself for not being more patient, even if it happens ten times - even if it causes me to be inconvenienced, injured, etc.

Even my therapist commented on the number of apparently incompetent people I reported dealing with. I am a magnet. He also discouraged me from spending time thinking on it. He told me I could exit without creating an airtight court case -- if it isn't working for me, it's not working, he said, expressing that it sounded like I was being quite patient but was just finding myself in a lot of aggravating situations.

 

[RussellSue]

I was worried that you wouldn't see the funny side of my joke. Because it was just that. Any chance to humiliate a disgusting man like that! I totally get what you were saying and understand. The world can be frustrating sometimes when we are trying to make headway or get things done. Best wishes to you. S3

Thanks! That was the sort of crack my sister would make. Totally unexpected but totally relevant with a great opportunity for a little introspection, too
It's never a bad thing to see where a particular path could lead if left unchecked. Hopefully, I won't get that bad!

 

[Survivor3]

I've had times when I've completely lost my shit with people. Shouting and swearing at docters receptionists. Calling managers at clinics f*cking pricks because I was trying to get well and their behaviour was driving me nuts. Been there, done that! I felt bad about it afterwards though because I don't like being upset or angry. Life.....!!!

 

[Friday]

I, unfortunately, second guess and eventually make myself nuts with verifying that I am being fair to all parties involved.

I think you should definitely go for that university job. Or, rather, aim for a teaching job in the university.

For 2 reasons...

1) An overdeveloped sense of fairness for -relative- strangers? Lends itself to a few professions (teachers, cops, med pros, etc.) faced day in and day out with the same situation thousands of times over.... pretty much requires that ability to hold to a true north... and it puts something that’s largely in the weakness/problem column in everyday life & small groups, into the strengths/assets column by profession.

2) The simple act of being in the same situation thousands of times over adds both professional distance (which is murder on codependent glomming onto & subsuming individuals), and practice/skill/refines the hell out of that sense of fairness. So instead of needing to rake yourself over the coals? You’ve been in exactly this situation, with hundreds of students, and dozens of personalities, and are completely comfortable in the range of fair responses for that individual student. Of course, it will take a few quarters to get that experience under your belt... but it’s still very much therapy in situ.

 

[RussellSue]

Or, rather, aim for a teaching job in the university.

Yikes! I may not be able to consider that for another decade but thanks for the vote of confidence!

It would be nice to find a place where that particular trait was useful and not a pain in the ass, though.

 

[RussellSue]

I've had times when I've completely lost my shit with people. Shouting and swearing at docters receptionists. Calling managers at clinics f*cking pricks because I was trying to get well and their behaviour was driving me nuts. Been there, done that! I felt bad about it afterwards though because I don't like being upset or angry. Life.....!!!

I'm getting old and may have told this story before. I've only really lost it on people a couple of times but one was an unexpecting shopper at Trader Joe's who thought that the blind man that I was shopping with was something I had a remote control on -- totally got pissy because I wasn't getting him out of the way even though I had the first three times. I've never seen anyone leave Trader Joe's so fast or so confused Good times. I don't feel bad about that one at all. "Use your words!" I yelled as he ran out of sight. I was so mad. Shopping is hard enough without people pinning their expectations on me.

The other real bad one was worse and was two therapists who used to facilitate a therapy group I was in, so I get it about the medical folks. I do believe they called security but I left before anyone showed up. I feel a little bad about that one. I had been in that group for 2 years until that day.

 

[River_Witch]

Does anyone else struggle with this sort of thing - a nearly violent need for predictability, order, efficiency, reliability, etc?

100%!

Here’s what I have observed in me: I feel a compulsive need to spatially/visually bring order (to rooms and desktops and so on) AND to approach chores, errands, and, well, most of life, in a certain order, with the goal of optimal efficiency.

As an example, say the car needs to be packed to go camping for the weekend. I will almost automatically have an idea for how that whole process should go down. It’ll be complex and very specific and mostly logical. :)

Now imagine that something unexpected happens- like a propane lantern falls while being moved and glass shatters on the floor. (Or, a bit closer to your example, someone interjects their ideas mid-process or tries to help but doesn’t know the order that I’m working on.) This sends my distress to an immediate 10/10 and next thing I know, I’ve practically pulled my shoulder out of socket from slamming a sleeping bag around.

A typical response in the past to something like this has been to sulk in absolute shame and frustration and overwhelm, and then to resume the business of sweeping up all of the glass and FINISHING the task. Only when the car is packed, would I feel relief from the internal pressure. (And even then, I would have been so tense and hyper vigilant and agitated for the duration of the task that I’m now a super drain to sit next to in the car! Fun!)

Nowadays, I notice that I’m compulsive before I even start and I ask myself what emotions are surfacing and I try to name them. Sometimes I’ll list them out loud to my wife. Sometimes I ask for help to reset my focus if my distress level is too high (eg - “I’ll get everything out and organized but can you pack the car? I’m feeling compulsive about order”). Sometimes I bench myself and sit down until I feel something else. Like I literally just wait in discomfort until I can better hear my nervous system.

 

[Recovery4Me]

It was a wonderful suggestion that Friday offered you concerning Professorship. I wanted to add that your ability to communicate online might lend itself to starting with the OnLine College Instructor. Your supportive side and sense of fair play makes for a compassionate mix.
I started in brick and mortar and eventually added a bulk of online for many decades at a few U. It was exhausting, exhilarating and extremely rewarding. Personally I agree with @Friday. You could be grand!

 

[RussellSue]

It was a wonderful suggestion that Friday offered you concerning Professorship.

Thanks @Recovery4Me. I actually did consider working in higher education while I was in graduate school. I did a lot of unofficial tutoring throughout college and grad school. As a 100% online student from pre-AA degree to completing 54 graduate credits, there was an incredible amount of virtual communication. So, I have lots of experience with that, though I constantly edit things, still and go back to read and realize I could have said what I was saying better, etc. OCD, OCD, OCD.

There were a number of things that changed my mind about teaching college from excess competition and certainty of adjuncthood in English departments (which I could live with but still would prefer more stability) to the number of students I wouldn't have time to communicate as well as I would like to with. Watching my husband's first year as a high school math teacher hasn't really led me back that direction, either, because I watch him try and juggle when he really is happier to do one thing really well -- like I am.

I really enjoy grant writing primarily because I will not do it unless I love the cause and I get to hyperfocus on that one thing until I find it acceptable. I am still working on becoming really employable as a grant writer, though. I figure with another year of volunteering, I will be able to start looking for paying work there. I just signed up to write for a trauma recovery program in the bay area last week. I was volunteering in Portland when I injured myself last year but had to take a break because I was having trouble walking to that office and full-time work became all I could handle with the pain, anyway. I did apply for the University fundraising job that @Friday had originally referenced thinking I could probably land a development job where grant writing experience is an asset but the skill isn't expected to be high-level.

I am curious, though, what did you teach?

 

[Recovery4Me]

I just signed up to write for a trauma recovery program in the bay area last week.

Grant writer... wow the bread and butter of any University! That is very, very impressive to me. Insofar as the Bay Area... thank you for your gift of service. This area is in dire need and the social media doesn’t quite grasp some basic understandings of the animal nature of traumatic complications. It is an holistic challenge across our infrastructure.

In response to your question- I normally taught within Business Dept for Microsoft applications, Ethics, and the bulk course work was in the Accounting Curriculum for the BS. Due to life transitions of rapid growth within technology, I have heard elementary school students now write code, so I retired at the right time. However, I have my memories of my thousands of adult kids who made my life worthwhile.

Your choice of field now also lends itself with editing applications galore! I was amazed at the advances insofar as quality but the soul plus worth of content is of course the author’s. I look forward to your contributions in our area. Best wishes!

 

[RussellSue]

That is very, very impressive to me.

Thanks. It will be more impressive to me when I get a paying job. I am not a person who has a ton of useful skills but I am a capable persuasive writer and I can hyper-focus on even long documents for a ridiculous amount of time. It dials back to the need for order because I know how it's supposed to go down and I put it all together.

Plus, I get hung up on causes and since I can't go do something like work as a trauma therapist on account of having little ability to stay focused on auditory information, I find a level of contentment feeling like I am helping fund worthwhile projects.

Insofar as the Bay Area... thank you for your gift of service.

I was born in Sacramento and lived in Los Angeles County for 10 years but never in the Bay Area. I wasn't looking for a CA organization. I did a search on Volunteer Match for volunteers needed in fundraising for trauma-related causes and this organization was the only one that came up.

I normally taught within Business Dept for Microsoft applications, Ethics, and the bulk course work was in the Accounting Curriculum for the BS. Due to life transitions of rapid growth within technology, I have heard elementary school students now write code, so I retired at the right time.

Ha! I hear that. I have a minor graduate concentration in MIS but never could get on board all the way. One reason was that I cannot keep up. With another 25+ years in the workforce, I was glad I realized I was not fascinated enough to compete in that arena. I met people who were for sure while I was in school, but not me.

I am very glad I have some skills there, though. Database management is something that frequently comes up in fundraising job ads.

I look forward to your contributions in our area.

Thanks very much. I feel pretty good about this organization, the main projects they have going and their documentation regarding past projects. That, right there, is more than half the battle for me. I've been sucked into more than one dead-end situation since I first started working on grant proposals and research.

This area is in dire need and the social media doesn’t quite grasp some basic understandings of the animal nature of traumatic complications.

That is sad and unexpected.

The organization I am working with has so far built some pretty good alliances, it seems. It would be great to hear that things began to shift in the arena of awareness, at least. It is astounding to me that with all the information that is out there that even very educated areas fail to see the impact of trauma on their own communities. I just don't get it.

However, I have my memories of my thousands of adult kids who made my life worthwhile.

That, I really do envy. Realistically, if I really thought I had the auditory skills to teach, I would be more interested than I am in teaching, though I've also been told that online university classes don't always involve a lot of auditory info. I hope that I will one day recover enough to have a better attention span for auditory information but so far I really struggle there.

My husband really loves teaching and he's good at it. I think I have some grasp on what that sort of job satisfaction must feel like and it sometimes makes me feel badly about where I am at because I like people and would really rather work in less isolation. I'm holding out hope that I will get there one day.

 

[Recovery4Me]

Just FYI there existed Course Writing or revision opportunities for On-line Classes as the newer editions of required reading text changed page numbers, major points for students needed sprucing, ect to stay current. At one time, the competition was not so fierce but times have changed. The pay back then was a lump sum (often rather nice) being task orientated by deadline needed.

I do not know for sure, if networking might pan out for you in this area, however keep in mind that your OCD plus writing techniques might serve you well once again with entering that niche. Never hurts to try.