Was I so out of control everyone was scared to deal with it?

[David1959]

stop blaming yourself.

Intellectually I totally understand this but emotionally I have higher expectations for myself and have held myself to my entire life which in my mind makes me responsible? I have to learn how to do this

 

[Movingforward10]

Intellectually I totally understand this but emotionally I have higher expectations for myself and have held myself to my entire life which in my mind makes me responsible? I have to learn how to do this

What my T was doing to help me with this, was to experience and feel my inner younger me. At first I couldn't go there. I was so angry at younger me. Frustrated. Blaming. Annoyed. Dismissive. I had no compassion for younger me.
But this shifted. I started to think about my story being someone else's story. When I did that, I could have compassion for that other fictional child and it started to challenge me why I couldn't afford me the same decency.
What really shifted was allowing the feelings of younger me to come out. Really feeling the distress and trauma and grief of what younger me just sucked up and got on with. Allowing younger me to express what I never could at the time as I had to survive.
It's the really really connecting with yourself that shifts it.
It's scary. It's hard work. But you're on that journey.

 

[scout86]

@Survivor3 is right. It's a choice and it takes practice. Instead of following the line of reasoning you've been using, stop yourself and consider other possibilities. Remind yourself that you aren't so special that the principles you'd apply to other children don't also apply to you. You've been thinking of this the same way for a long time. It will take time for you to get comfortable with a different way of thinking of it. But you can. (And most people here have done the same thing in some form or other.)

 

[David1959]

It's scary. It's hard work.

Hard work is something that has never bothered me but it is really scary. Deep down I feel that if I truly connect to all my feelings and allow myself to feel grief I will start crying and it will never, never stop.

 

[scout86]

It feels like that, but that's not what will actually happen. (Really and truly!)

 

[Movingforward10]

Hard work is something that has never bothered me but it is really scary. Deep down I feel that if I truly connect to all my feelings and allow myself to feel grief I will start crying and it will never, never stop.

Totally and utterly understand that. Felt the same. Was one of the first things I said to my T! It felt that letting out these feelings I'd spent my whole life containing, would mean I would be left totally uncontained. In my mind that was how it worked. It's like falling in to the abyss. Or free falling off a cliff.
But......
Letting feelings out means they pass.
And they do.
It's not easy going through the process At All.
But.....

I really hear your pain. And I have shared it.
But I also hear your strength and determination.

 

[David1959]

When I did that, I could have compassion for that other fictional child and it started to challenge me why I couldn't afford me the same decency.

I know this sounds twisted but I believe I can not show compassion for myself as a child because it in some way excuses my part and shifts the responsibility off of my shoulders which I am struggling with. So much of my behavior, wether as a child being molested, a teenager blowing off school and life using drugs, sex and anything else to escape were my decisions and the results my responsibility.

Someone has to be responsible for the decisions and choices I have made, I don't see how it can be anyone but me. Bad things happen to a lot of people and they persevere, that is my problem, my not pushing through is more a character flaw inside me than a conscious decision. Regardless of my situation in the end someone has to be responsible and at the end of the day, all the bad decisions were made by me.

I really hear your pain. And I have shared it.

As someone who has been here and gotten through, how did you do it? I am seeing my T weekly and it is dredging up a rush of images and feelings I do not know what to do with. My appt is every Monday and beginning every Sunday (today), I get sick to my stomach and Monday's I am basically useless.

 

[somerandomguy]

So much of my behavior, wether as a child being molested, a teenager blowing off school and life using drugs, sex and anything else to escape were my decisions and the results my responsibility.

So being molested was your decision?

Would you say that to all the other folks here who were molested - that it was their decisions?

Someone has to be responsible for the decisions and choices I have made, I don't see how it can be anyone but me.

Maybe it was the decision of the person or people who molested you. Why do they get a pass?

 

[Movingforward10]

I know this sounds twisted but I believe I can not show compassion for myself as a child because it in some way excuses my part and shifts the responsibility off of my shoulders which I am struggling with. So much of my behavior, wether as a child being molested, a teenager blowing off school and life using drugs, sex and anything else to escape

I understand. I too am a real believer in being responsible for our actions. And this is something that I have grappled with. I have done many many things as a young teenager and young adult. Things I decided I held no shame about, and then decided I did hold shame about and that were morally reprehensible. However, it's all part of looking at the bigger picture. Of course I had sex with anyone and everyone: it's how I was surviving. It was how I perpetuated the belief that "it's me, I'm bad", as acknowledging what happened to me was not an option. I had to work hard by taking drugs to lose all sense of reality, behaving like my life and my was worthless, as that was the only way to maintain survival.
So yes, I did crappy stuff. And stuff that also hurt me. But it originated from trauma.
Somehow it's shifting it and seeing it from a different, less judgemental, point of view. And finding forgiveness for yourself.

As someone who has been here and gotten through, how did you do it? I am seeing my T weekly and it is dredging up a rush of images and feelings I do not know what to do with. My appt is every Monday and beginning every Sunday (today), I get sick to my stomach and Monday's I am basically useless.

Yeah, the build up to each session can be tough. And the after math. And then there is the build up again. It's consuming. The images. The feelings. The preparation.
I think the only way through is through? I felt like I wanted it all to stop. To go back to "ignorance is bliss". Because it's so hard.
But it's about really trying your hardest to be kind to yourself.
My T said I had permission to "have time off". I didn't need to think of CSA ever day. Every session didn't need to be profound. Go at a pace that works for you.
And this forum is a great outlet for helping formulating your feelings and responses.

You've got this. You can do it.

 

[David1959]

So being molested was your decision?

No, not the molestation that was done by a horrible human being but not protecting myself by never telling anyone was my decision and mine alone

I understand. I too am a real believer in being responsible for our actions.

This is one of my core issues, how do you balance the need to be responsible for your own actions with the abuse and what followed with what part of it is not my fault?

BTW - MovingForward10 I really appreciate all your posts and advice. They are insightful and demonstrate where I would like to be some day

 

[somerandomguy]

No, not the molestation that was done by a horrible human being but not protecting myself by never telling anyone was my decision and mine alone

Ok, so you made that decision. So what? Everyone else here made that decision, too. Are all of us irredeemable? Are you?

 

[David1959]

Are all of us irredeemable? Are you?

Everyone on this site has suffered horribly in one way or another and I have nothing but well wishes and piece of mind for all. Unfortunately I hav no way of applying that to myself. Please remember that I disassociated for 45 years and lived my life with expectations for myself that may be unachievable especially since I have come to realize that my entire life has been swimming across a lake with 100lbs of weight attached to my ankles.