flowerapple
Confident
My T suggested a couple sessions ago that I should try to find a hobby. She said having a hobby would create some amount of purpose and meaning in my life because right now I currently have none of those things. I don't have a purpose for being alive, I don't see any meaning in my life or in life generally, and I don't see myself as having any future of some sort. When I try to imagine my future, I don't see anything, just black... I actually feel like something is going to happen that's going to cause my death in a couple years because I can't see beyond the next 2-3 years.
I am just constantly depressed with no apparent end in sight, and I think about suicide and dying everyday. I don't know why I am alive because I don't serve any function or purpose. There's no use to me being alive. All I do is burden those around me with unnecessary work and problems because of my issues which I can't seem to deal with. I don't seem to be able to manage anything, and all I do is make things worse for other people.
I've been trying to find a hobby for almost 2 months now and I am still yet to find one. So far, nothing that I've tried was appealing enough for me to continue it, and I've tried hiking, running, cycling, reading, knitting, crocheting, LEGOs, painting, adult colouring books, drawing, journaling, calligraphy, video games, board games, single-player games, crosswords, yoga, going to the gym, and meditation; but none of those things did anything for me. It's like I only exist, and that's it because I have no feelings or attachment to anything at all. I don't feel like I'm actually a person.
Finding a hobby should be simple and easy to do, but yet, I struggle to do something as simple as this. Not being able to find a hobby for myself is only more proof that I'm not really a person because I can't even find one thing that I would like to do. Plus, people are supposed to like things in general too, but I don't even have one thing that I like. Everything to me just seems to be the same, where either I'm ambivalent towards it or I dislike it. I was hoping that finding a hobby would start to turn things around for me, but instead it's just made things worse.
I am just constantly depressed with no apparent end in sight, and I think about suicide and dying everyday. I don't know why I am alive because I don't serve any function or purpose. There's no use to me being alive. All I do is burden those around me with unnecessary work and problems because of my issues which I can't seem to deal with. I don't seem to be able to manage anything, and all I do is make things worse for other people.
I've been trying to find a hobby for almost 2 months now and I am still yet to find one. So far, nothing that I've tried was appealing enough for me to continue it, and I've tried hiking, running, cycling, reading, knitting, crocheting, LEGOs, painting, adult colouring books, drawing, journaling, calligraphy, video games, board games, single-player games, crosswords, yoga, going to the gym, and meditation; but none of those things did anything for me. It's like I only exist, and that's it because I have no feelings or attachment to anything at all. I don't feel like I'm actually a person.
Finding a hobby should be simple and easy to do, but yet, I struggle to do something as simple as this. Not being able to find a hobby for myself is only more proof that I'm not really a person because I can't even find one thing that I would like to do. Plus, people are supposed to like things in general too, but I don't even have one thing that I like. Everything to me just seems to be the same, where either I'm ambivalent towards it or I dislike it. I was hoping that finding a hobby would start to turn things around for me, but instead it's just made things worse.
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