Samantha_38
Confident
I was sexually assaulted by a previous pyschologist. I was 17, he was, well 'old'. I was admitted for a suicide attempt and he was the psych. It's kind of a complicated trauma that happened in the middle of other complicated traumas. I've been working on it in my current therapy however and my last session some things finally clicked.
I always felt at fault as I 'agreed' to go along with the sexual act. My T is now helping me realize that there was a moment much earlier where that psych could have and should have stopped everything in It's tracks, and he didn't. I'm feeling a little less at fault, but I am struggling badly with the 'why me'?
Why did everyone who was like that end up in my life? There was a hyper-sexual state in my life where sometimes I tried to draw their attention and maybe "started it", and if I didn't start it I probably still encouraged it, but if they were supposed to stop it, how is it I ended up in so many situations with people who didn't?
I've been told and kind of understand how people who are abused keep finding bad people, and I definitely see how I maybe did that, but what about the people I didn't 'pick'? I was unlucky to get the parents that I did, I then found an abusive 'boyfriend' quite young because in some confusing way, I needed him. Later, after that boyfriend was out of my life, I found guys willing give me the things I need for sexual favors because everything that abusive boyfriend provided was then gone, and I didn't have another way.
I didn't look for this psych though. There were at least 2 male psychiatrists there during that time. How did I end up with the one I did? How was it that a cop whom hurt me came to the school that day, when there was probably 5 others working? How did my team get the athletic coach that hurt me when the other was deployed for a year? Why was an abusive teacher at my school?
I also kind of get that "those" people also look for people like me, but are there so many that I was just bound to have them keep finding me? Am I that insanely unlucky or is something wrong with me?
I always felt at fault as I 'agreed' to go along with the sexual act. My T is now helping me realize that there was a moment much earlier where that psych could have and should have stopped everything in It's tracks, and he didn't. I'm feeling a little less at fault, but I am struggling badly with the 'why me'?
Why did everyone who was like that end up in my life? There was a hyper-sexual state in my life where sometimes I tried to draw their attention and maybe "started it", and if I didn't start it I probably still encouraged it, but if they were supposed to stop it, how is it I ended up in so many situations with people who didn't?
I've been told and kind of understand how people who are abused keep finding bad people, and I definitely see how I maybe did that, but what about the people I didn't 'pick'? I was unlucky to get the parents that I did, I then found an abusive 'boyfriend' quite young because in some confusing way, I needed him. Later, after that boyfriend was out of my life, I found guys willing give me the things I need for sexual favors because everything that abusive boyfriend provided was then gone, and I didn't have another way.
I didn't look for this psych though. There were at least 2 male psychiatrists there during that time. How did I end up with the one I did? How was it that a cop whom hurt me came to the school that day, when there was probably 5 others working? How did my team get the athletic coach that hurt me when the other was deployed for a year? Why was an abusive teacher at my school?
I also kind of get that "those" people also look for people like me, but are there so many that I was just bound to have them keep finding me? Am I that insanely unlucky or is something wrong with me?