StartingFire
New Here
Hi everyone. I had some gnarly PTSD hit me hard I guess four years ago now. There was a lot of stuff from childhood (and a few traumatic events as an adult) which I'd shoved down for years mainly by drinking. I got sober, and didn't have that as a coping mechanism anymore, and my controlling spouse was mirroring some of the dynamics I'd grown up in. It was a bad time.
I relapsed, got divorced, got an amazing trauma trained therapist, got sober again, and things were going pretty good there for a while. But I'm spiralling out again and I don't know what to do.
I got involved with an unsuitable guy when I was in the midst of the last breakdown. I've done all I can to get away from him but he's stalking me and playing mind games. I don't even know what's real anymore.
I'm beating myself up like crazy for getting myself into this mess. I'd be in a pretty good place without it, but as it is, I can't function at all right now and I'm having suicidal thoughts. I've lost my hope for the future, I'm disassociating like crazy, having panic attacks, the works. And I don't know how to ask for help, largely because I can't "prove" what he's doing.
And I feel ashamed. I'm ashamed for jumping into another abusive situation, ashamed that I tried to make it work with this guy AFTER he'd started stalking me.... I don't know. I'm ashamed to admit what's going on, but I'm breaking down completely. I have a hard time using my phone or computer to talk to people because I suspect that he's found a way to infiltrate them (he's very tech saavy, and I know that he's been able to track my location even after I changed phones.)
PTSD is getting worse. I don't feel safe anywhere, even in my own home. I'm on high alert 24/7. I'm barely leaving the house. And with the pandemic, I'm afraid to go back to my therapist because sessions are on video now, and I'm scared about my stalker seeing them. I don't know what's safe, and my system is shutting down. So yeah. That's me.
I relapsed, got divorced, got an amazing trauma trained therapist, got sober again, and things were going pretty good there for a while. But I'm spiralling out again and I don't know what to do.
I got involved with an unsuitable guy when I was in the midst of the last breakdown. I've done all I can to get away from him but he's stalking me and playing mind games. I don't even know what's real anymore.
I'm beating myself up like crazy for getting myself into this mess. I'd be in a pretty good place without it, but as it is, I can't function at all right now and I'm having suicidal thoughts. I've lost my hope for the future, I'm disassociating like crazy, having panic attacks, the works. And I don't know how to ask for help, largely because I can't "prove" what he's doing.
And I feel ashamed. I'm ashamed for jumping into another abusive situation, ashamed that I tried to make it work with this guy AFTER he'd started stalking me.... I don't know. I'm ashamed to admit what's going on, but I'm breaking down completely. I have a hard time using my phone or computer to talk to people because I suspect that he's found a way to infiltrate them (he's very tech saavy, and I know that he's been able to track my location even after I changed phones.)
PTSD is getting worse. I don't feel safe anywhere, even in my own home. I'm on high alert 24/7. I'm barely leaving the house. And with the pandemic, I'm afraid to go back to my therapist because sessions are on video now, and I'm scared about my stalker seeing them. I don't know what's safe, and my system is shutting down. So yeah. That's me.