Relationship How Do You Stay When You Feel So Tired And Alone?

[hopelives]

Well Im not proud but I vented at my husband today for over 30 minutes I just LOST it. He just wont really talk to me and I am beyond it. He is always angry and makes me feel threatened well I just lost it at him. I told me I want him out and that I am entitled to be happy and talked to. Be is not helping with the kids or the house nothing. He amazingly is just playing violent video games ALL DAY and NIGHT.

Ok I didn't deal with things properly and I know that I cant do that again. But I am tired of being treated like little more than a maid.

The whole reason there was any angry words spoken was because my 7yr son punched his brother now I put him on time out and than he did it again as his bro walked past. As I went to deal with it my husband came charging in and screaming at my son and saying Im going to strap you and dragging him. I dont trust my husbands anger so I said no and pulled my son away from his father and told him to stop it. I then went to my husband about 15 minutes later and said look Im sorry I got upset but could you please not hit the kids till your anger is better. He than ranted and raved at me about how I dont discipline the kids and that I should have let him hit ouir son if he wanted.

I felt really threatened and he than said DONT TALK TO ME and leave me alone. Well I snapped at him how dare he talk to me like that. I than snapped completely and let all the frustration out. I know it wasn't helpful and I feel nothing but guilt. I feel like yet again I have failed but seriously I dont understand WHY he thinks it is ok to treat me like dirt. He says with his mouth I love you but doesn't love mean you want to be with the person and that enjoy talking to them. He loves me as long as I do as he says other wise he dispises me. The therapist said that was part of his injury but seriously I am tired of being hurt.

sorry if I am venting I have cried and cried.

 

[amethist]

Hi sickofit

Please do not feel guilty about yelling at your husband. It happens, plus you were defending your son from what could have ended up being more serious. Plus from reading your posts you have taken so much and the pressure valve has to blow at some point, you can't keep it all in forever.

The playing on video games all day is his way of isolation from reality, no excuse for his behaviour, but it is the explanation for the gaming. He could also be hiding in them, to avoid all that is going on in his head right now, not being able to see how bad things are and not being able to see what is really going on in front of him.

This will not help him at all, but until he takes responsibility for his own action, and get his butt into working on his issues not just agreeing with his therapist then walking out of the office, leaving it all in there, and not using the tools he has been shown there is not a lot you can do. The You can lead a horse to water, but can't make him drink", saying connects so well here.

The last time my husband yelled at me, "Oh was that bad". The red mist came down and his mouth went into overdrive, he can't remember a word of it, but I can. I handled this the way I knew I could. I just let him rave his head of and blow himself out. When he calmed down, and stopped shooting his mouth off, I told him very calmly and quietly that "If he ever spoke to me like that again, I would put him on his a#se. He knew I would and could if I had to. He never has done that since, if he raises his voice more than necessary now I just tell him "I am not the enemy, so don't take it out on me"

This is not what I would advise anyone to do, but you have to find a way to stand up and not let him treat you with disrespect.

In the end it up to you how far you will let this go, how much you can take. He cannot feel or see what is going on around him, he cannot see his world falling apart, he also cannot see how much is inaction is hurting you. It is not that he is doing this on purpose, he sounds like he is numb to everything outside his bubble, unless it pokes throuhg. Until something gives big time, and he does work and make a lot of effort in his own healing, he may drive you away.

We are here to offer the best explanations and advice, but in the end it is up to you what you do. If you feel you are in danger, or your kids are, then maybe it is time for a break of some kind.

Take care and look after you and your kids first.

Amethist

 

[hopelives]

Well I know he is isolating and I get that he is suffering. But I stressed out and just off loaded onto him not the wises person to do that to. Also the lack of emotions in him HURT.

I did just go and appologise and also told him I loved and cared for him and that I was going to support him. He told me that he was thankful but he was dead pan. He is not trusting me and I understand that.

I also got an invite today to an engagement party. A lot of the people there will be looking down on me because my husband wont be there. I am going with my kids and going to switch off to those that will judge and have a good time. I think in a way the reality of this whole CPTSD got to me today when that invite arrived.

 

[hopelives]

Oh am I the only carer who just finds the pressure too much sometimes. I love him SO much.

 

[Nicolette]

Oh am I the only carer who just finds the pressure too much sometimes.

No sickofit, we all feel the pressure and find it too much at times. It's the love which holds us together and remembering the good times helps you keep soldiering on into the light again. It is a roller coaster and you just have to come to terms that there will be ups and downs. It's the ups that you learn to treasure to hold you through the down times.

 

[amethist]

You are defiantly not alone sickofit, in feeling the pressure. The times I slammed the door out of pure frustration, on my way out, hoping for some kind of reaction from my husband in the beginning. The times I sat and cried while he was asleep, praying when he woke up he would just say "Hi, how you doing", it did not happen then.

If you can remember that "It is the little things that mean a lot". As in, no matter how small a gesture he makes, it can mean so much to you, and to remember it may have been like moving a mountain for him to say or do what ever it was. Don't make too much of a fuss about them, just treasure and remember them, as all those little gestures build up to wonderful memories.

As for the Engagement party, then go enjoy yourself with your kids. Anyone who looks down on you because he is too ill to go, are really not worth bothering about. Don't try and go into in depth explanations why he is not there, just tell them he is too ill to manage anything rowdy, and a party would just be too much for him just now.

It takes a long time to work out all the different ways to cope, to do whats best for you, him, your kids or anything else.

You cannot fix him sickofit, but what you can do, is to make life as easy for yourself and your kids as possible. How you do that is up to you, but you will find a way, you will find the strength. Somehow.

I snapped a bit this morning, not at my husband, just at the fact tha our new neighbours monster 4x4 Land-rover has scared our cat to the point of not going out anymore, plus it stinks of diesel, a trigger for my husband.

The Doberman is ready to shred it tires, :mad: but learning to keep her temper more under control. ;), well for now anyway.

Hang on sickofit, it is hard but it can be so rewarding when you do see the changes, no matter how small.

Amethist

 

[Jawn]

sickofit I was dealing with a very similar issue about a year ago with my wife. She was angry all the time and took everything out on me. I was being called an idiot on a daily basis and she was just plain nasty. Getting medicated got rid of the mean nasty person and now the therapy is starting to work for her. But there really wasn't much progress until she finally admitted there was a problem and wanted to get better.

As Amethist said, you can not fix your husband and you need to decide how much you can take, or let your kids take, before you reach the end of your rope. I also agree that maybe it is time for a break away from him for a few days. Let your "batteries" recharge before trying to deal with more "stuff".

Jawn

 

[hopelives]

Thanks. He is refusing to talk to or acknowledge me at all now. A bit like you failed so now I am going to make you suffer even more. He is saying that he doesn't know if he can take my temper and that I have undone any progress that he as made. He also added in for good measure that I am just like his mother. I bit my tongue and said look I am sorry for losing my temper and ranting. But I just feel like you dont get how hurtful some of the things you are doing are.

I went and said goodnight to which I was greeted with what do you want and than it was well I hope you enjoy your sleep as now Im not getting any because of you. Again I didn't bite but I accepted whatever he had to say. Than said he again Wanted to be left alone.

About 1am he came up into the main house and was getting stuff. I went and said are you ok do you want to come to bed with me tonight. He just scoffed at me and said NO. and ran out of the house like I was about to rape him.

I know today he will just test me all day and say little things to get me to bite. I am just deciding to be gracious. Also I am not to judge myself too harshly for what happen. I mean seriously he treats me like a door mat and I have been very gracious about things. I think that even now and again it is normal to get a bit upset over that.

I have decided and buy a punching bag today. Just so I have someone to bash and crap out of. I am really frustrated at my husband. I have been keeping myself busy. I will not let him discipline the children physically until he has his anger in check. And I dont care what he says about that my job is to protect them.

 

[hopelives]

Well today I was really cranky with my kids. I actually got so cranky that they weren't obeying that I swore a couple of times. My husband got really angry at me and I just got cranky at him as well. I have been rather angry at the kids particually today. The 2yr old was up half the night which has added to it. I also have been yelling a lot just simply stressed.

I sat with the kids and said Look mum was wrong I love you and than we sat and talked and laughed and watch a movie together. They simply calmed from that moment and have been angels. Ah I just feel so tired. and I think that tonight when the kids are in bed I am going to do something for myself to relax me. ANd I am going to find a way to keep calm and get rid of the stress.

 

[Nicolette]

Sickofit.........you need to remember this is a journey and a process. You can't fix it and it won't happen over night. You will fall over but sometimes the best lessons learned are those from our mistakes.

Hang in there.

 

[hopelives]

Well today ended up being totally good. I have cleaned sorted kids are in bed and I am sitting here having a relax. Might go out and get myself a little treat as well. Really happy with all that got accomplished today.

 

[Nicolette]

Well done sickofit