General For New Carers - Coming Here Out Of Desperation

[Page]

New to this

Just started reading in here, I am very new to dealing with this, not sure if my partner will be back at all, but realise that if we are to have any chance I need tools to do the right thing.

So far being a shoulder to cry on and sympathising hasn't helped and my partner has run away from us which has compounded the pain for both of us.

So trying to figure out how to set those boundaries and effective correct support.

This thread looks like one of the most sensible and effective places for carers, I understand people's feelings are raw when they are being abused by a loved one, but I can see that the advice given in this thread is given with a true wish to help people like me.

It is greatly appreciated.

 

[Nishkaa]

Just really want to say thank you and to acknowledge your sensibility and understanding.

As a PTSD sufferer, I acknowledge that I do carry responsibilities towards the loved ones in my life. I won't manipulate because I have PTSD that that entitles me to be abusive to other people in my life-- no damn way.

I've also seen the other end of things, from chaos in family from an alcoholic who refused to take responsibility for his own behaviours, to seek help not only on his behalf but also for the health of the family and the children. I can empathize with the suffering, but not with irresponsible and reckless behaviours that were enacted upon us and made us live through eggshells (well, really that was also in part, my mom's choice)-- but I have paid the price for it, with full out debilitating ptsd myself. He left this world with a really ugly sight, to be etched in my brain forever. It didn't matter that we stayed-- he wouldn't get help, so the consquence was beyond our control.

Thank you.
~Nishkaa

 

[Gerri Curless]

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Well I've been married almost 27 years (in December). I am still making mistakes as a Carer and that's why I need this group. I worked for the longest time and dealt with Rich's PTSD, "walking on eggshells", daughter Amy's troubles, etc. I've been chronically ill with fibromyalgia and arthritis and like PTSD there is no cure just management.

I am still looking around the forum but I just want to say I'm glad it's here and glad to know I'm not alone.

Thanks, Gerri

 

[Béatrice]

Thank you very much to all the people writing in this forum.
I'm already noticing some of my mistakes. I think I'm going to learn many vital things here. :)

 

[Nicolette]

I'm already noticing some of my mistakes.

Beatrice - while it is great you are realising what you can change to make things better please don't see them as mistakes as no one teaches you how to deal with PTSD. I am glad you have found this forum.

 

[ISupportHer]

Beatrice - while it is great you are realising what you can change to make things better please don't see them as mistakes as no one teaches you how to deal with PTSD. I am glad you have found this forum.

Yes, my take on this that the only time you can take ownership of a mistake is when you KNOW you shouldn't do something. For example like your sufferer needs space, you have learned though your research that they need space, but yet you don't give them space. Otherwise it is a matter of learning the "optimal" response. Like Nicolette says, there is no owner's manual to follow. Much of this is live and learn.

ISH

 

[Béatrice]

Beatrice - while it is great you are realising what you can change to make things better please don't see them as mistakes as no one teaches you how to deal with PTSD. I am glad you have found this forum.

Thank you, Nicolette!
It's hard not to feel guilty for hurting someone, even if it wasn't done on purpose, but it's true we shouldn't be too hard on ourselves, and I learned this here.Link Removed This forum is offering so many tools; I'm feeling more optimistic now!
Thank you all! Link Removed

 

[Aurora]

Yes, my take on this that the only time you can take ownership of a mistake is when you KNOW you shouldn't do something. For example like your sufferer needs space, you have learned though your research that they need space, but yet you don't give them space. Otherwise it is a matter of learning the "optimal" response. Like Nicolette says, there is no owner's manual to follow. Much of this is live and learn.

ISH

ISH, I needed to hear this. Thank you for saying it.

 

[No Folded Hands]

Very interesting thread. I came in through misreading (career, not carer) but read through. Not sure if I should post or not, though, as I am the disabled vet. Not too comfortable using the term sufferer. :)

I experience rage fits when too much goes wrong, varying with stress levels. I've never harmed a human being during them, but objects can sprout wings or end up in pieces. I had a revelation a few months ago when I abruptly experienced a moment of seeing through the eyes of my wonderful "carer" ... it suddenly occurred to me how frightening it might be to watch someone you love go absolutely ballistic. I didn't stop bashing the keyboard against the desk, but we did talk about it afterward in a totally new way. I have not stopped having rage fits, but the way we handle them is changing. I think it's making us stronger, and helping me look outside myself better.

I have to echo, and pass on, something I have heard from other veterans time and time again. The guys whose wives have stuck with them often comment that the lady is amazing, and they can't understand how she could keep loving them through the bad times. Please understand I am not refering to relationships in which the spouse has not managed to become a full partner, with both those boundaries mentioned and a large helping of commitment. I just hadn't much idea myself how they did it, before reading your perspectives and recognizing some of what's been happening.

Those of us with people who really care are "truly blessed". :)

 

[Leis]

I am really hoping that this can be a place where i can learn, where i can share and where I can occasionally vent. though I am not caring full time for someone now I am still their wingman and they call me constantly. I hope I will be welcomed and I wanted to let anyone know I'm open to suggestions!

 

[Nicolette]

Welcome aboard Leis and good on you for being open to suggestions.

 

[PTSD lost]

What I want to point out is this. Sympathy and tippy toeing around on egg shells does not help a Sufferer plus it pulls a Carer down to such a level where they lose perspective and begin to think that love can cure all or lose their self esteem.

Well, PTSD is not curable but it is manageable. The person who has to do this is the Sufferer and the best thing a Carer can do is support them but keep strong healthy boundaries. Being sympathetic and making too many allowances or excuses for behavior and labeling it as PTSD actually enables the Sufferer.

omg this is me. I tip toe around my husband all the time because I just don't know what to do. He has not yet realized he has PTSD or if he has it is not to me. It did just realize that things in our realationship really changed the last time he was deployed. And there was a lot going on. I was pregnant with out first and he was deployed and it was stressful for us both, more for him I am sure.
My question is how do I get him to get help? Or to even realize he has PTSD. He is not the man I married, he's cruel and mean and to be honest I'm worried he is heading for the violent part quickly. And I always chalk it up to that is just his PTSD and move on.
I have been suffering from post partum depression so I understand some of it, but I'm on meds and saw a therapist and feel much better, but he still always blames me. Everything is my fault.