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- #37
HealingMama
MyPTSD Pro
@Freida I never said he made me hit him. Of all the places where I clearly am taking responsibility for my actions, I think that is an unfair reading of my position. I didn't know how to communicate my desperation and fear and frustration that he was not being a grown up. That doesn't mean he "made me do it."
I don't know why I'm staying with him when I'm unhappy and there's so much about him I want to change. I guess some of it I would expect anyone would want to change.
I was up til 5am last night partly because I was flooded with all the things that aren't working and all I've asked him to change. My answer is I don't know why I'm still here. As I said I try to go then my personality reorganizes itself and I forget why I wanted to go. I also feel guilty for all the times I said I wanted to leave, and how much that hurt him, and have tried to stay to fix the damage from that. There's no way he will get the emotional help he needs left to his own devices. I feel like I owe it to him to stay til he gets some help at least.
But I don't know. Fear. Shame. I'm afraid if someone that made me feel so loved can also make me feel so devalued then there's no way I can find anyone that feels good to be with and if I am doomed to be in toxic environments then why not stay with the person whose bullshit I at least know and understand? I don't know. I don't trust myself to find a relationship that works better than this one. All my relationships have one issue or another. Because a lot is me, my attitude, my anxiety pushing me to sniff out all possible danger and that gives a negative mindset all the time.
@anthony yeah, we are working on our communication.
Tonight my husband pointed out that I feel left out in larger family gatherings but I also keep myself outside of them. I said family isn't safe (bc for my background it's not, it's trauma and drama and manipulation) and I don't want to go where I'm unwanted and if nobody is telling me I am wanted I will assume that I'm not. He explained to me in healthy families the assumption is that you're wanted, your presence is valued and you are welcome and accepted. I wonder what it's like growing up that way.
So he was trying to help me get over my avoidance so I can experience the love of a less dysfunctional family. In spite of everything that he's done and I've done. I guess that's why I stay. He still tries to be there for me and help me let love in.
I don't know why I'm staying with him when I'm unhappy and there's so much about him I want to change. I guess some of it I would expect anyone would want to change.
I was up til 5am last night partly because I was flooded with all the things that aren't working and all I've asked him to change. My answer is I don't know why I'm still here. As I said I try to go then my personality reorganizes itself and I forget why I wanted to go. I also feel guilty for all the times I said I wanted to leave, and how much that hurt him, and have tried to stay to fix the damage from that. There's no way he will get the emotional help he needs left to his own devices. I feel like I owe it to him to stay til he gets some help at least.
But I don't know. Fear. Shame. I'm afraid if someone that made me feel so loved can also make me feel so devalued then there's no way I can find anyone that feels good to be with and if I am doomed to be in toxic environments then why not stay with the person whose bullshit I at least know and understand? I don't know. I don't trust myself to find a relationship that works better than this one. All my relationships have one issue or another. Because a lot is me, my attitude, my anxiety pushing me to sniff out all possible danger and that gives a negative mindset all the time.
@anthony yeah, we are working on our communication.
Tonight my husband pointed out that I feel left out in larger family gatherings but I also keep myself outside of them. I said family isn't safe (bc for my background it's not, it's trauma and drama and manipulation) and I don't want to go where I'm unwanted and if nobody is telling me I am wanted I will assume that I'm not. He explained to me in healthy families the assumption is that you're wanted, your presence is valued and you are welcome and accepted. I wonder what it's like growing up that way.
So he was trying to help me get over my avoidance so I can experience the love of a less dysfunctional family. In spite of everything that he's done and I've done. I guess that's why I stay. He still tries to be there for me and help me let love in.
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