Athill
Confident
Hi all,
As a bit of back story, my father died of a heart attack when he was in his mid-50s. He and my mother, who was extremely mentally ill, had been married for 30 years or so, and I watched him get slowly crushed by her. The legacy of that is deep in me (and I suffer from complex PTSD related to her abuse myself).
Not surprisingly, I've been crap at relationships for my entire life, seeking out relationships that have an end date, or that I know I'll end. The relationship I'm currently in fits that category, but thanks to COVID, I'm not longer leaving. She recently asked to take the relationship from casual to something more serious, and asked if I'm in or out. I can't see myself with this partner forever, but I also can't see myself with ANY partner forever. A close friend, my best friend who has known me for decades, cautioned me against pulling the ripcord and ending this relationship, when I'm still enjoying it and it feels healthy, just because all my trigger points are getting hit.
I feel the terror in my body about being entrapped, like my father was (though realistically he could have left). It's like I am completely robbed of agency. Things are going well with this woman now. If things stop being good, we can part ways. But my body - oh boy. It's on fire.
I'm curious how others, particularly those with Complex PTSD, deal with the fear of entrapment, and welcome any and all comments.
As a bit of back story, my father died of a heart attack when he was in his mid-50s. He and my mother, who was extremely mentally ill, had been married for 30 years or so, and I watched him get slowly crushed by her. The legacy of that is deep in me (and I suffer from complex PTSD related to her abuse myself).
Not surprisingly, I've been crap at relationships for my entire life, seeking out relationships that have an end date, or that I know I'll end. The relationship I'm currently in fits that category, but thanks to COVID, I'm not longer leaving. She recently asked to take the relationship from casual to something more serious, and asked if I'm in or out. I can't see myself with this partner forever, but I also can't see myself with ANY partner forever. A close friend, my best friend who has known me for decades, cautioned me against pulling the ripcord and ending this relationship, when I'm still enjoying it and it feels healthy, just because all my trigger points are getting hit.
I feel the terror in my body about being entrapped, like my father was (though realistically he could have left). It's like I am completely robbed of agency. Things are going well with this woman now. If things stop being good, we can part ways. But my body - oh boy. It's on fire.
I'm curious how others, particularly those with Complex PTSD, deal with the fear of entrapment, and welcome any and all comments.