General What are they thinking?

[LuckiLee]

Thanks, @Friday!

He HATES shopping yet he tries at least once a week by himself. He rarely buys anything. He might walk in and turn right back around. He might just take a quick lap around the store or not even make it out of his car. But he tries!! Every. Week. He.Tries. And impresses the hell out of me every time. When he really needs something we go together.

 

[Freida]

It was comical. Not in a ha ha way but in a darn it feels good to be normal, way. Freida is on the opposite side of the country and literally dealing with the same stuff.

That's awesome!!!
And yes - it does help to know it's not justme. A lot.

Did you schedule some downtime, @Freida ? Maybe send all of them to the movies so you can chill out for a few hours?

yep -- I'm currently hiding in the bedroom
We are hosting dinner but it's just us and dads so...it should be good.

Don’t. Laughter that speaks ‘I love you’ & ‘f*ck that noise’ in the same impulsive breath? Is pure gold. It’s truth. It’s allowance. It’s a smack on the nose. All in one go. Good stuff.

yepper!! Sis is having a hard brain day to and she and I were cracking ourselves up this morning trying to make cranberry sauce. Between the two of us we didn't have 1/2 a working brain - but instead of being sad it got really, really funny

He HATES shopping yet he tries at least once a week by himself. He rarely buys anything. He might walk in and turn right back around. He might just take a quick lap around the store or not even make it out of his car. But he tries!! Every. Week. He.Tries. And impresses the hell out of me every time. When he really needs something we go together.

Tell him to get the damn dog!!!!!!
Seriously - I remember how hard it was before SD. Now it's still a challenge some times but night and day different.

 

[LuckiLee]

I knew you would mention a dog!! We are gonna wait until we buy a house with a yard. Hopefully in the spring.

He didn't end up going with me to the Thanksgiving festivities. He slept the day away. He said he was sorry and didn't understand why it always happens during the holidays. I told him he's had some horrible holidays through the years, this is depression and anniversary reactions.

I went to my niece's by myself. Everyone asks "Where's J"? My sister asked first and I said "he's sad today". Then she asked "why"? Ugh. "If I have to explain, it's pointless". (She pissed me off!!) To everyone else I told them he's sad and thinking about his brothers and that he's had very traumatic holidays and he's feeling guilty for surviving.

Everyone understood. Especially my niece's and nephews. They were empathetic and supportive.

He hasn't eaten since Wednesday and all he's been doing is sleeping and vomiting. We're off today so I'm gonna feed him and maybe we'll take a drive. Or maybe just hang at home and get the last of the leaves up.

Next up. Christmas. Blah!!

 

[Freida]

Everyone understood. Especially my niece's and nephews. They were empathetic and supportive.

This is soooo very important!

And I get it -- I think I've only made it to my neices bday twice over the years because it's the worst part of january. always makes me feel like crap but.....

I knew you would mention a dog!! We are gonna wait until we buy a house with a yard. Hopefully in the spring.

Ok - if the dog has to wait then SAW!!!!!
Hey - it's the only thing that's really worked for me...and since he's basically my brother from another mother...... just sayin!

 

[Freida]

ugh.
Ok. I'm pretty upfront these days about having ptsd - at least to the people I like and might want to have around. I explain some of the odd reactions I might have, and how it's not personal or about them and how it comes and goes. I explain that being triggered doesn't give me the right to be an asshat, but some days I might be even if I don't need to be. And yes - i will apologize (learned that from the supporters here! LOL)

And I am really, really honest about January.
As in --- for 33 days I am in a ptsd nightmare that doesn't end. My emotions are all over the place, I'm COMPLETELY irresponsible and unpredictable, I may make plans and then ghost on you or maybe I'll show, but you won't know till you either do or dont see me and I get really, really angry if you bitch at me about how I'm acting.

How much more clear can I be?

My LT supporters get it. They've been on this rodeo and just don't expect me to be around or even relativity sane for the month. Well - and they aren't afraid to tell me I'm being a bitch and to go away

Then there are the others.
The ones who have only been around for a year or so
The whiners.
The needy
The ones who can't separate their own baggage or their lack of self esteem from my nightmare.

This might be the worst time of the year for me but it's still all about them. Their feelings, their future, their plans. And when things don't go the way they want? Then the bullshit starts...the phone calls, the texts, the "where are you don't you love me why are you ignoring me dont you know I'm having a bad day why wont you answer your phone?" crap.

Guess what buttercup?
I HAVE PTSD
this is how it works
This is January. I TOLD you this is what happens.
But you didn't want to listen.

It's time for you to make a choice. You can choose to stay and play by this new set of relationship rules or you can go away and don't come back,
Because my main focus right now isn't you. I don't care about your feelings, your plans, your life.
In February? Yep - Ill care then
But not now.
Because right now it takes every ounce of energy I have trying to stay alive

Why o why is that so hard for you to understand?

 

[coraxxx]

Yeah it really blows my mind that for some people I did take the f*cking courage to say look, this period is super shit, so what you're gonna see is X and Y. It might manifest in weird ways, but they're never dangerous because I'm a cute sufferer and if I feel too bad I just sleep it off.

And they look at you as if you were explaining quantum physics. And when it happens, they still are weirded out. Now this doesn't really surprise or hurts people who are really close to me because otherwise I'm a good friend and I like to be nice and welcoming and always show up in time. Just not in December and early January. In December I might not pick up the phone and leave you on read, which I know is the biggest insult of the mid century. And then I'll feel bad for it and just look away until I feel solid enough just to have a random conversation all lights on but nobody's at home, and then remember I'm actually a human being.

I do have autopilots and it's very weird for people since they see the perfect shape of a functioning human that deactivates as soon as they leave like a reverse toy story. I can't help it. But the most hurtful thing is to say to me that the autopilot was "fake". It's not fake. It just is. And it's the sign the environment is somewhat hostile or perceived as such.

So yeah there might be some cringe and I get it's not super nice. But it's possible to get past it if you aren't blind and treat the autopilot as a human being too. Because it is.

And what is maddening is that as a sufferer you actually do that for others constantly. Day in day out, you're trying to figure what to do so they're happy, you don't intoxicate them with your personal festival of horrors and so and on. It's heavy man. I don't think I can be truly close of someone who doesn't have some idea of how it feels.

I guess you'd need entire books of literature to have an idea of how it feels I'd you don't have it. Some films might do it. Generally I find flashbacks very stereotypical but there have been a few films where I was like "that's it! This is it! This is how it is!" Obviously I don't remember which one it was.

Sometimes recording of dispatchers with a helicopter background sound give the impression of the internal noise.

Perhaps there might be YouTube videos that show how PTSD does feel like, like in first person. Like there was this video about dementia it really felt like the brain fog hahaha ugh oh no.

 

[Freida]

Sometimes recording of dispatchers with a helicopter background sound give the impression of the internal noise.

Been there - done this! Finally had to have the FAA close the airspace because we couldn't hear our units and they couldn't' hear us. Damn media - they can get the shot from up to a mile away but instead they hung out right over our center. And yep = it does kinda match!

erhaps there might be YouTube videos that show how PTSD does feel like, like in first person.

I think I saw one that did a really good job of this -- I'll poke around and see if I can find it

 

[LuckiLee]

Freida,

I thought I knew what ptsd was until I lived with someone with the disorder....

Your people always see you as a strong and capable woman. Like you always have your shit together. You're probably the first person they come to when they need something. Do they know you have ptsd and suffered trauma? Yes. But they still see you as strong and capable. Which you are (!!!!) but you are also in pain, angry, depressed and suffer with SI among all the other B.S. ptsd throws at you everyday. It's not that they don't believe that you're having a hard time it's that you still look (and act) strong and capable.

They're lucky you warn them in advance. J doesn't say anything to anyone. I'm the only person who knows how bad it gets. And when it's bad sometimes I have to be the buffer between him and people who don't get it. I explain things to people. When J is in ptsd mode I have no problem helping him limit his stress when he isn't able to do it himself without falling off the deep end.

Does hubby ever help you deal with others? You describe him as very mild mannered but I think it would help you if he could be the bad guy once in a while. If it comes from him people might actually hear it. I'm not sure why it helps in our situation but it does.

In the meantime don't answer calls, texts or emails. People can deal with their own crap for a month!!!

 

[LuckiLee]

P.S. sorry about your Dad. Truly. Concentrate on him for a while.

 

[Freida]

It's not that they don't believe that you're having a hard time it's that you still look (and act) strong and capable.

yep---one of the joys of ptsd that hiding it becomes an art form. And then I fall apart, and they don't know how to deal. T and I were just talking about that today - how people will bail on me when I no longer fit the "picture" they need. It's always a great reminder that my LTS are past that and willing to let me regress to the level of an angry toddler

And when it's bad sometimes I have to be the buffer between him and people who don't get it. I explain things to people.

hubby does a really good job of running interference - especially when we are out and about and I'm having a bad day and people want to know about SD. He jumps in and distracts them so I don't have to answer their questions - but that has taken a lot of time to get into a pattern.

and he has become really good at seeing the panic building before I do...so that he's ready if I have to say "Im out!"

In the meantime don't answer calls, texts or emails. People can deal with their own crap for a month!!!

ya --that's kind of what started this rant.... People want to blah blah blah at me and I'm just not doing it. Now they are pissed off/hurt feelings. Hubby glares at me when I start to pretend it's ok and I try to engage cause he knows I'm using it as a distraction

It is a good reminder that some supporters get it - and they are ok with me losing my shit once in a while and leave me alone until I'm ready to be human again

P.S. sorry about your Dad. Truly. Concentrate on him for a while.

Thanks! Of course it has to be in January, but it's not crisis mode so it will give me time to do researh and what not --- and maybe ignore my brain..

 

[LuckiLee]

@Makeupqueen1 . Here it is. Best wishes!

 

[Makeupqueen1]

@Makeupqueen1 . Here it is. Best wishes!

I couldn’t find it when you mentioned it at first, so thank you for tagging me!