Idealizing someone and comparing myself

[One step at a time]

Righto. I'm doing a thing. I'm (1) putting someone on a pedestal, idealizing them, and then (2) envying their supposedly perfect life that I actually know little to nothing about. I'm (3) reflexively comparing myself to them, and then (4) experiencing intense shame and desperation.

I cognitively know better, but emotionally it's happening anyway. And I can't seem to get a toehold on it. Thoughts? Useful questions to ask myself? Why is this even happening? I never do this and I know better!

 

[Teamwork]

Ask yourself if I knew the truth about them would it change my perspective? If they knew the truth about me would it change theirs? how for both. What do we share, think common humanity. What makes me desire there life over mine and is it really true that they have it better? Keep challenging then take a break. Encourage your self to see them as unavailable and only your life is available for a period of time, even if at first it is only an hour. In that time doing something unique to you and celebrate it as both unique to you and a best life for you that you value. These are ways that I’ve been able to just get along being me and accepting my uniqueness. I am who I am kind of thinking ing, for the parts that I accept and a declutter the other stuff attitude which I give myself time to do. Also admitting that you can only be you is helpful, because in the end you are who you are and looking elsewhere doesn’t help us see our own value.

 

[arfie]

gentle empathy, one step. however well my logical brain **knows** better, my heart seems to have a mind of its own. this gnarly four-step still plagues me after decades of psychotherapy and active recovery. the good news is, that i spot and remediate the not-so-merry-go-round faster and more effectively with each go-round.

i like mantras for the cycle. i've gone enough rounds that my list of mantras for the phenom is quite long. sometimes i write the mantra of the day on the back of my hand so that i am reminded at random moments through the day. a few of them are

don't compare
keep it real
let him/her be human
live and learn
live and let live
let the mystery be

gentle support while you find what works for you. yay you for recognizing the pattern before anybody got hurt.

 

[TruthSeeker]

gentle empathy, one step. however well my logical brain **knows** better, my heart seems to have a mind of its own. this gnarly four-step still plagues me after decades of psychotherapy and active recovery. the good news is, that i spot and remediate the not-so-merry-go-round faster and more effectively with each go-round.

i like mantras for the cycle. i've gone enough rounds that my list of mantras for the phenom is quite long. sometimes i write the mantra of the day on the back of my hand so that i am reminded at random moments through the day. a few of them are

don't compare
keep it real
let him/her be human
live and learn
live and let live
let the mystery be

gentle support while you find what works for you. yay you for recognizing the pattern before anybody got hurt.

I like "let the mystery be!"

 

[Friday]

I cognitively know better, but emotionally it's happening anyway. And I can't seem to get a toehold on it.

Does that happen often?

If so/ If not… Any patterns there?

What do they “have” or have, that you want? What makes the fantasy “perfect”?

How are you about wanting things, for yourself, in general? Can you do that (want things, for yourself), or does it take a flanking maneuver to even see what you might want?

***
ETA

I don’t do jealousy. It’s just not in me. Except when it is. Which makes it extremely powerful, as I’m not a jealous person by nature, I’m blindsided by it. And gutted by it. Because it’s new. Always. Every time it happens (maybe 4 times, in my life?) So even though my Q’s are predictive, I do recognize this could just be a wildly out of character response from you. Which is telling in a different sort of way.

 

[One step at a time]

Thanks all for asking good questions. I was definitely in one of those "can't find my way out of a paper bag" places. It made a real difference to read what you wrote.

only your life is available

Definitely true.

if I knew the truth about them would it change my perspective?

I know that in reality, they make mistakes and have hard days and probably things have gone wrong in their life. So the truth about them is that they're pretty human. It's just my feelings going, "they're so wonderful, I'm so not."

If they knew the truth about me would it change theirs?

This is definitely a fear. A thin veneer of decency over a yawning chasm of bad and dark. Again, I can remind myself that's not the case.

on the back of my hand

Yep, that's a good place for the stuff we need to remember. If we can't see it, it doesn't exist, sometimes

How are you about wanting things, for yourself, in general?

Uh... yeah. That might be part of the core issue here.

What do they “have” or have, that you want? What makes the fantasy “perfect”?

They "have" (or I want, or I am working towards):
- peace
- a superior skillset (in a field I treat as a hobby/side job, and they have a 20-year career in, so duh, they actually have this one)
- financial stability
- a beautiful home
- an easy relationship with their spouse, uncomplicated by years of trauma
- easy and balanced access to the giving/caretaking side of themselves

 

[Dynamic]

I have done this in a social setting. and the reality of what everyone posted above me, took a long time. it took many phone conversations with a friend who also has ptsd from a home fire, PLUS a few hours hanging over at her house (with therapeutic talking) for me to even begin to accept that, the specific people I was feeling this way over, were just that.

people
making mistakes
being themselves
and I realized everything I thought about them was partially true and I had to update the new information I learned and adjust my boundaries.

if that makes sense or helps.

 

[TruthSeeker]

@One step at a time ......there is always someone who is going to be better than you, have more experience than you, and have more stuff than you.....some will get to the top sooner and some later. Don't put so much stock in comparing others to yourself-it's a waste of time while you are here on this earth. Wasted time with that kind of thinking.......doesn't allow you to focus on the beauty of your own life....the personal strides you have made over time. When we focus on others, and not ourselves, we forget the beauty and our accomplishments of each day. Focusing on what you don't have is a real recipe for negative thinking and do it long enough....it feeds eh feeling a failure cycle. If you focus on the little things in life....each day, your accomplishments from day to day, no matter how small, you might find more "peace" in that frame of thinking. Peace was #1 at the top of my want's list, too and that doesn't necessarily have to be accomplished with money. How will you know when you've found peace when your eyes are always looking towards what's not good enough in your life...?

Maybe stopping to take a gratitude check could help ground you in the here and now? Consider what you have.....could you be happy without more? How does "acquring more" of anything lead to happiness? Getting "more" does not tend to help create peace. "More" can lead to added comfort ...but that's not necessarily the only route to peace. I wonder.....do we get real peace through financial acquisition.... or is peace found when we resolve to live in the here and now and learn to accept ourselves and love ourselves for who we are an where we are? Is peace found through living with integrity, having practices that include midfulness, and being part of our community or something bigger than ourselves? What does peace look like to you?

It's fine and dandy to look at others and think-I'd like to have some of the things they have.....maybe even create some good goals, but usually to meet big goals it takes lots of personal effort......Just don't assume that they are happier, more contented and at peace because they have better "stuff" and have more experience. They may have more....and be truly unhappy folks when they close their door and you leave. I used to think this about my best friend for many, many years.....and then she turned into a human-with faults I discovered. No longer does she sit on a pedestal. And you know what, I feel much better with our relationship that way-as it allows us to be authentic or real and have a more equal partnership in the relationship. Sounds like you figured that out, too!