Sufferer Sometimes I just wish I did not exist

[Lone_Wolf]

My name is Will and I suffer from C-PTSD. I'm trying to work through it with a psychologist, but have just begun the journey.
I have no one in my life who has my back --- no one who cares. I go through the motions each day and wonder if a life such as this is worth living. I'm not suicidal, but I really wish I had never existed in the first place. My life has been one big zero. I'm tired of it.

 

[Sideways]

Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry things are so hard right now. Give your healing some time - hopefully the resources here will be helpful to you.

 

[Dynamic]

Hey Will I am so glad you are here.

I am sorry that you feel this way. I have felt this way a lot. It helped me to process with my therapist out of that mindset.

You deserve to feel alive, life can be miraculously beautiful.

p.s. when I go back to that mindset, now there is a bunch of new thoughts and connections from therapy sessions that help me on my own as well.

 

[Survivor3]

Hi @Lone_Wolf welcome to the site ☺. There are lots of supportive people here and lots of great articles to read. I understand what it's like to feel so isolated and alone. Don't give up hope and faith in yourself. Life will improve for you. Great that you've got a psychologist.

 

[Lone_Wolf]

Hey Will I am so glad you are here.

I am sorry that you feel this way. I have felt this way a lot. It helped me to process with my therapist out of that mindset.

You deserve to feel alive, life can be miraculously beautiful.

p.s. when I go back to that mindset, now there is a bunch of new thoughts and connections from therapy sessions that help me on my own as well.

I think I deserve to feel alive, too. The problem is that I don't and I see no reason to hope I will. I really can't trust anyone because they all invariably screw me over somehow. This is no way to live, but I have no other viable option. Even now, as I'm off work due to my condition, hardly anyone at work bothers to check in with me to see how I'm doing. I'd like to know just when I became Hitler or some other pariah that might be deserving to be shunned.

Hi @Lone_Wolf welcome to the site ☺. There are lots of supportive people here and lots of great articles to read. I understand what it's like to feel so isolated and alone. Don't give up hope and faith in yourself. Life will improve for you. Great that you've got a psychologist.

Thanks for the welcome. The only reason I have a psychologist now is because I went off work and the insurance company arranged for it. I've had one session so far and it was sooooooooo good to have someone actually listen to me and not dismiss me. I just wish I could talk to him more.

 

[Dynamic]

Even now, as I'm off work due to my condition, hardly anyone at work bothers to check in with me to see how I'm doing. I'd like to know just when I became Hitler or some other pariah that might be deserving to be shunned.

I cant speak for them. but sometimes my symptoms are so strong I start to believe the worst around me. I think of it as leakage from my feelings into my brain, because like you said you are off work so you must be symptomatic? sorry if Im wrong. be easy with yourself. gentle. if you believe you deserve to feel alive than you can <3

 

[Lone_Wolf]

I cant speak for them. but sometimes my symptoms are so strong I start to believe the worst around me. I think of it as leakage from my feelings into my brain, because like you said you are off work so you must be symptomatic? sorry if Im wrong. be easy with yourself. gentle. if you believe you deserve to feel alive than you can <3

What you say is quite possible. And you're correct that I am symptomatic. I exploded at a coworker who wanted to be a complete a*****e and started having emotional flashbacks. The next day, I went out on leave.

 

[Dynamic]

What you say is quite possible. And you're correct that I am symptomatic. I exploded at a coworker who wanted to be a complete a*****e and started having emotional flashbacks. The next day, I went out on leave.

I'm sorry its so difficult right now. I could be wrong but I think if you focus on rest, self care (even if you dont feel worthy) you can feel much better in the future. do you have a therapist?

 

[Lone_Wolf]

I'm sorry its so difficult right now. I could be wrong but I think if you focus on rest, self care (even if you dont feel worthy) you can feel much better in the future. do you have a therapist?

Yes, I have one through the insurance plan at work. Kind of ridiculous that I had to go on leave to get one right away, but whatever. I've had one session so far.
I partially do believe I am worthy of what you say, but society seems to tell me otherwise. It's almost like I've been cursed all my life. Perhaps you can relate.

 

[Survivor3]

Are there any mental health support groups in your area? I attend 2 and it's really helped to have that support and make friends.

 

[Lone_Wolf]

Are there any mental health support groups in your area? I attend 2 and it's really helped to have that support and make friends.

Not any of which I'm aware. I've looked for such things in the past but never found any.

 

[Lone_Wolf]

Suddenly everyone falls silent.