LeiaFlower
Confident
Right before this, I was worried about trauma brain ruining another relationship. I had to set boundaries with a friend after their parents did something that made me uncomfortable. She said she wanted to still grow as friends and still hang out. However, she stopped talking to me. And now my trauma brain is messing with my friend and her boyfriend that making me uncomfortable. But I guess it was focusing on the wrong relationship.
I walked into my therapy session with unease, hoping I can fake being okay to deter her worry about my previously stated suicidality. She asked how I wanted the session to go or what to discuss. I mentioned maybe starting with what type of therapy to try moving forward and I agreed with her about our previous discussion on how it could be beneficial to have more than one session per week. Even though she agreed and didn’t want to discount my autonomy, she said I needed more and she didn’t believe she was qualified to provide that. I've been having random feelings in my head, not similar to vertigo or dizziness, it's like my mind is pulling in and out of consciousness. I guess it had to do with my emotional stare because hearing her say those words made the feeling intensify to the point that it was hard to concentrate. It felt like my mind was fracturing as if it was doing everything in its power to prevent a mental break. She said that it didn’t mean we would have to stop seeing each other, though the statement contradicted the former as well as what preceded.
She talked about me starting inpatient immediately despite my school and financial situation, followed by moving to an outpatient facility, but then I should start seeing a trauma specialist rather it is in-house (the private practice she works in) or outhouse. She mentioned co-counseling with her supervisor, but I doubt either one of us would benefit from that option. She said that it isn’t helpful for her or me if she's constantly worried about me after each session. I talked a little, about my thoughts on inpatient care and reiterated the recommendations she said. Though the only real reaction I stated was that of regret. I wish I didn’t tell her about wanting to give up the last session because then I wouldn’t be in what feels like a punishing situation. I wish I stayed quiet and either pretend like I was okay or finally released myself from the need to live here. I don't blame her or feel angry. If she doesn't want to stay I can't force her to. Nor can I force her if she feels anxious in my session and feels that she's not qualified to help me.
But now I just feel alone and empty. I feel like I’ve ruined another relationship with my emotions. I feel like I don’t belong anywhere. Not with my friend, who my therapist mentioned I have codependency with. Or my family where I don’t even trust them to explain what’s going on. With religion who persuades me into thinking that my suffering is allowed because I’m a "bad" person. Or to the outside world where others shy away from me or it doesn’t breach more than a superficial level. And now not with my therapist who believes I’m too difficult for her to handle. I wish I knew what I was doing wrong. I wish someone could observe me and pick at the things that I'm doing wrong that is causing everyone to leave me.
I don't want to move forward at this point. I'm sure it's just heavy emotions. But I just want everything to finally stop.
I walked into my therapy session with unease, hoping I can fake being okay to deter her worry about my previously stated suicidality. She asked how I wanted the session to go or what to discuss. I mentioned maybe starting with what type of therapy to try moving forward and I agreed with her about our previous discussion on how it could be beneficial to have more than one session per week. Even though she agreed and didn’t want to discount my autonomy, she said I needed more and she didn’t believe she was qualified to provide that. I've been having random feelings in my head, not similar to vertigo or dizziness, it's like my mind is pulling in and out of consciousness. I guess it had to do with my emotional stare because hearing her say those words made the feeling intensify to the point that it was hard to concentrate. It felt like my mind was fracturing as if it was doing everything in its power to prevent a mental break. She said that it didn’t mean we would have to stop seeing each other, though the statement contradicted the former as well as what preceded.
She talked about me starting inpatient immediately despite my school and financial situation, followed by moving to an outpatient facility, but then I should start seeing a trauma specialist rather it is in-house (the private practice she works in) or outhouse. She mentioned co-counseling with her supervisor, but I doubt either one of us would benefit from that option. She said that it isn’t helpful for her or me if she's constantly worried about me after each session. I talked a little, about my thoughts on inpatient care and reiterated the recommendations she said. Though the only real reaction I stated was that of regret. I wish I didn’t tell her about wanting to give up the last session because then I wouldn’t be in what feels like a punishing situation. I wish I stayed quiet and either pretend like I was okay or finally released myself from the need to live here. I don't blame her or feel angry. If she doesn't want to stay I can't force her to. Nor can I force her if she feels anxious in my session and feels that she's not qualified to help me.
But now I just feel alone and empty. I feel like I’ve ruined another relationship with my emotions. I feel like I don’t belong anywhere. Not with my friend, who my therapist mentioned I have codependency with. Or my family where I don’t even trust them to explain what’s going on. With religion who persuades me into thinking that my suffering is allowed because I’m a "bad" person. Or to the outside world where others shy away from me or it doesn’t breach more than a superficial level. And now not with my therapist who believes I’m too difficult for her to handle. I wish I knew what I was doing wrong. I wish someone could observe me and pick at the things that I'm doing wrong that is causing everyone to leave me.
I don't want to move forward at this point. I'm sure it's just heavy emotions. But I just want everything to finally stop.