If this gets moved to "trauma diaries" Ill try not to take it personally. My writing style I guess goes that way so I am not sure where to post but this does relate to hypervigilance. It's something that's HAD to become a part of my life so yeah I had PTSD before from abuse but now I have to be hypevigilant thanks to my Mother. I have said it before. She put a PFA on me ( the abused)...and some ppl wonder how that can happen but it can. Some abusive ppl can even abuse ppl through the courts. She did this after physical and pscyh assault on me a few years ago. I saw my sister yesterday with her nephew. My Mom actually covered her in the thing....didn't have to give reason or maybe the judge didn't even look at that. I am thinking he didn't. She's covered and the whole thing is very unfair b/c I was abused and even stalked by my Mother 3 1/2 months ago on all days Valentines Day in a parking lot. Also my near run in with my 1/2 sister was in a Panera parking lot. My Mom covered her to cut off contact to silence me that's it...but what if I had run into my Sister?
It was very close and my instinct b/c I don't harbor terrible ill will to her or I would say even ill will would be to say hi. Thing is simply saying hi right now...could land me in Jail. I didn't deserve this. PFAs have little due process and I could say more they can be used for good and I had a temp PFA on her stepdad. I had the might of my Mom and her throwing the kitchen sink and my childhood at me at the second date of my hearing. The effects of this are still lasting in that I a good person, a law abiding person and the actual serious victim of many forms of DV, all of them has to be hypervigilant....always on the lookout for my Moms car so I don't run into her and or SHE doesn't follow me or park right behind me as she did. She feels emboldened over recent years to do things way over the line including file the thing she did w/o good cause. She did it in response to watching her husband put me into a wall.
She did it two days after I was in the ER for this. I saw my Sister and I don't think she saw me and this is sad and a shameful position I am in, one I didn't earn...with life altering consequences. She looked happy carefree...pretty younger than me. Ppl have wondered if I was in my 60s recently I think rather than my albeit ripe age of 48 almost 49. Ppl say make it on your own put this behind you..and easy for them to say when they don't have life altering labels put on them when they were not the abuser quite the opposite. It hurts to the core. If I had seen my Sister I would have wanted to say hi and I should be able to but I can't. My Mother took that and many things incl alot of dignity away from me. I have to be on lookout all the time. I have no crim record my Mom said I never threatened her but she worried what could maybe happen....this coming from a woman who defended an abuser to me and in open court and threatened to put a raw turkey on my stoop and pretends to be the victim and a nice person in her community. She says she gets along w other fam members. Yeah my Sis was my abusers child and the "golden child"...not that i was a bad one but I was called this my whole life and also in court at the age of 46. Advice? I am a little more than 1/2 way through this my psycho biology as one person had called it has changed now forever from the repeated trauma and blame for what happened to me even officially and having to look over my shoulder like a well like a fugitive. I am not that I never was that. My Mothers husband was a 50 year old drinking while driving physically abusive and worse teacher. No one helped me. I guess I have to cont to try and live my life it really gets me down and I have to unfortunately and undeservedly stay hypervigilant as the abused who is labeled as other as sometimes or maybe often happens b/c it's easier...it's the cowards way. I have to look over my shoulder so as to not get myself in trouble for saying hi or being in same places...my civil rights impinged...for a pedeophile....
one who is dead but his wake of destruction alive and well. How a Mother does this and feels good is beyond me but I do suppose it's easier than looking in at the ugly truth....one that I mentioned...and that in her eyes was a crime. One I have paid dearly for and shouldn't have like this....as the only DV victim who tried to make sense in that family. This may get moved and that's ok. I have a run on sentence style of writing...and the pain is palpable today. The last time I saw my Sister was at the first hearing which go a continuance thanks to me. I get not any credit for my smarts from family lawyers alot of ppl. I don't fit traditional molds in a very small and small minded town where folks are supposed to be part of families or have them at my age. I am completely alone and vulnerable. My family knew this and it made it easy for them to abuse me.
It was very close and my instinct b/c I don't harbor terrible ill will to her or I would say even ill will would be to say hi. Thing is simply saying hi right now...could land me in Jail. I didn't deserve this. PFAs have little due process and I could say more they can be used for good and I had a temp PFA on her stepdad. I had the might of my Mom and her throwing the kitchen sink and my childhood at me at the second date of my hearing. The effects of this are still lasting in that I a good person, a law abiding person and the actual serious victim of many forms of DV, all of them has to be hypervigilant....always on the lookout for my Moms car so I don't run into her and or SHE doesn't follow me or park right behind me as she did. She feels emboldened over recent years to do things way over the line including file the thing she did w/o good cause. She did it in response to watching her husband put me into a wall.
She did it two days after I was in the ER for this. I saw my Sister and I don't think she saw me and this is sad and a shameful position I am in, one I didn't earn...with life altering consequences. She looked happy carefree...pretty younger than me. Ppl have wondered if I was in my 60s recently I think rather than my albeit ripe age of 48 almost 49. Ppl say make it on your own put this behind you..and easy for them to say when they don't have life altering labels put on them when they were not the abuser quite the opposite. It hurts to the core. If I had seen my Sister I would have wanted to say hi and I should be able to but I can't. My Mother took that and many things incl alot of dignity away from me. I have to be on lookout all the time. I have no crim record my Mom said I never threatened her but she worried what could maybe happen....this coming from a woman who defended an abuser to me and in open court and threatened to put a raw turkey on my stoop and pretends to be the victim and a nice person in her community. She says she gets along w other fam members. Yeah my Sis was my abusers child and the "golden child"...not that i was a bad one but I was called this my whole life and also in court at the age of 46. Advice? I am a little more than 1/2 way through this my psycho biology as one person had called it has changed now forever from the repeated trauma and blame for what happened to me even officially and having to look over my shoulder like a well like a fugitive. I am not that I never was that. My Mothers husband was a 50 year old drinking while driving physically abusive and worse teacher. No one helped me. I guess I have to cont to try and live my life it really gets me down and I have to unfortunately and undeservedly stay hypervigilant as the abused who is labeled as other as sometimes or maybe often happens b/c it's easier...it's the cowards way. I have to look over my shoulder so as to not get myself in trouble for saying hi or being in same places...my civil rights impinged...for a pedeophile....
one who is dead but his wake of destruction alive and well. How a Mother does this and feels good is beyond me but I do suppose it's easier than looking in at the ugly truth....one that I mentioned...and that in her eyes was a crime. One I have paid dearly for and shouldn't have like this....as the only DV victim who tried to make sense in that family. This may get moved and that's ok. I have a run on sentence style of writing...and the pain is palpable today. The last time I saw my Sister was at the first hearing which go a continuance thanks to me. I get not any credit for my smarts from family lawyers alot of ppl. I don't fit traditional molds in a very small and small minded town where folks are supposed to be part of families or have them at my age. I am completely alone and vulnerable. My family knew this and it made it easy for them to abuse me.
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