KP the nut
VIP Member
I was feeling uneasy and stomach churning. I know this is my failing and open discussions are improtant. I can't deal with conflict, I'm sorry. I think seperate posts would be good
Sorry for being a wimp
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- Post starter Meli
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I was feeling uneasy and stomach churning. I know this is my failing and open discussions are improtant. I can't deal with conflict, I'm sorry. I think seperate posts would be good
Sorry for being a wimp
- Post starter
- #14
Nicolette,
I have been emailing my thoughts for years in an attempt to relay my emotions and needs without conflict. So that I can say all that I need to say without the topic going sideways, and so I can better control my anger. I have tried to clean the slate many many times to no avail. I use the subject line as an indicator to what type of email it is, so that he can choose the right time to read it for himself. Example; "I'm concerned", "I'm angry", or "Just a loving note". He is very susceptible to rage when I approach him personally. Most times he literally drops his shoulders and tries to walk away without acknowledging me at the mere mention that I'd like to talk about something. He is shell shocked when it comes to discussion, and 50% percent of that IS my fault, flat out like a lizard drinking.
I HAVE pushed in the past, but since very near June or July I have ceased to follow him around the house when he's done talking. Now he follows me around the house wanting to continue an unproductive argument. I have also asked for permission to discuss our issues before jumping in. I no longer scream just when I feel like it, but try very hard to keep my cool successfully most of the time. He's the one yelling more often than me now. I get it, he's at his whits end, but he's still responsible for own actions. He still calls every discussion an "attack". From the very beginning, I've always started any discussion with something like "Honey, can we talk" or "I'm not trying to accuse you of doing something wrong, but I need to tell you something". That is simply the way I was raised. Before February, I had no way of knowing why these things bothered me so much. I had not been diagnosed, and didn't even know what PTSD was, other than soldiers came home with it and had violent episodes because of it. I honestly can't remember ever talking to my carer when he did not raise his hackles and become very defensive. And believe me, I'm not denying that I TOO get defensive. But I am now managing that with fair amount of success; that is the honest truth. I slip up from time to time, but everyone does, and I admit when I've done so now.
I used to panick when my carer shut down, and believe me you, the man stopped talking all together for as much as 6 weeks at a time. I would ask "what's wrong", and he'd say "nothing". And if I asked again, I got "you asking me what's wrong is pissing me off". He has gotten better at responding to my concern about his mood, but he's still aggitated when I ask. If he tripped my trigger with an insult in the past, I'd go off like a shot relentlessly in anger. He calls that type of episode "Redneck Meli". I don't panick anymore when he's quiet, and I don't take it personally for the most part, but after a few days, I do start to wonder and begin having the bad feelings about myself again. I'm still blaming myself for his moods to some degree, and it scares me when it happens, so I try to reach out to him for help. I try to gently tell him that it's happening, but I get no relief in his responses. I AM recognizing that I'm turning all of my fears and a good chunk of blame inward now, but I've only been able to see this for maybe 4 months. His timeline for me to be perfectly normal, and not affected in any way by his moods is... and here comes the sarcasm... "Yesterday".
The sad truth is that he's in a bad mood a LOT. Some of it is him having to deal with PTSD, and some is just me being a butt, but all of it can't be me alone. I AM NOT THE ONLY INFLUENCE IN HIS LIFE. He used to do things; cabinetry, golfing, out with his friends. Currently, he gets up between 3 and 7 in the afternoon (night shift) and sits on the couch in front of the TV until he goes to work. He doesn't want to have a conversation, he doesn't want to turn off the TV, and he doesn't do anything he used to do. He tells me that if he engages in every day conversation with me, my stories go on too long (I'm too descriptive), and that irritates him. He also says "How could we possibly have something to talk about when you don't do anything outside the house"? He's not even interracting with his daughter anymore, when he used to talk to her and hold his hand out to her so they could wiggle their fingers together. Not any more, I haven't seen them do that in a year; no lie. A few weeks ago, he took her to lunch, but that's the first thing he's done with her in months. If I'm not remembering something, I'll be glad to change this post, but this is what I'm seeing. Half the time he doesn't even look away from the TV when she's leaving to go back home to her mother. They mumble "bye" and that's it. She stays in her room or on the computer in the kitchen every day that she's here. Her mother tells me that she gets in the car looking all down in the mouth, and when asked, she says "Daddy and Meli are being quiet again".
It is so frustrating that he has all but given up entirely on me because of my failure to meet his timeline. I am extremely concerned about the effects it is having on our entire family. I have made progress in leaps and bounds; no longer blaming myself when I shouldn't for the most part (at least giving myself a pep talk), doing things to relieve my stress successfully, being happy more than ever, not letting "Redneck Meli" take over me, planning discussions, making lists and getting some things done, creating boundaries and enforcing them, socializing, doing what I need to pursue therapy, consciously being introspective and not jumping to conclusions, asking specific questions, telling him when I'm not doing well, taking responsibility for my actions, apologizing, wiping the slate clean nearly every day, etc., and etc. No one can tell me I'm wrong when I say that no matter what I do, my carer is not smiling, socializing with his family, or giving me compassion. I cannot be wrong about that, I'm right here witnessing it. He is being way too hard on me, and holding me to standards that do not apply to PTSD.
I feel like no matter what I achieve, how I say anthing, or what I ask for; I just can't do anything right. Our couples counselor that we saw a year and a half ago asked both of us what we wanted out of this relationship. I said I wanted security in belonging to a family of my own, committment (as in where we are in this relationship; our future plans), and respect for the role I played in the family (as in where I stand with everyone; family hierarchy). I said I wanted a loving relationship, trust in each other, and a best friend... My carer never even wrote his wants down like we were instructed to do, and summed his wants up in a short statement; he wanted to be able to do whatever he wanted to, with no flack from me. I was flabbergasted, to say the least, and so was our counselor. The look I saw on our counselor's face was epic. When our counselor started to say "Now wait a minute...." and began explaining the importance of family hierarchy, my carer got very angry. It seemed to me that he thought our counselor was then trying to attack him also. My carer even said to me that our counselor was one sided, and he was siding with me. He refused to go see our counselor shortly after that session.
In reference to one of the posts here, my carer just told me that a reader wanted to side with me because she was also a sufferer, but that she had a hard time doing so because I'm so wrong. I had to say "Wait a f*cking minute... nobody should be SIDING with anyone; this is not a battle, competition, or debate"! It truly pissed me off that he was using someone's good advice for how I could improve myself to nail down his point of how wrong I am, and at the same time invalidating this same person's advice for his own improvements. Somebody tell me if that's not a rational perception of that statement, and I'll eat crow. I swear to God I will. Every time someone offers him an option for dealing with my symptoms, he begins his reply with "That won't work because she.......". If you read his posts, he always knows exactly what to expect, no matter what I change. To wrap it up in a nice sweet package with a bow, here's his latest quote; "I know the deal, Meli".
Sighhhh, another novel length post full of sh*t that I'm not going to apologize for because I started this thread to begin with (Sorry, that was Redneck Meli talking; I smacked her in the back of the head for it). I'm soooooo frustrated, depressed, angry, and I just want to bolt. I'm heading for a shut down; I can feel it. Just the sound of someone's footsteps, a knock on the door, or my phone ringing makes me jump, go all wide eyed and paranoid, and stop breathing for a second. Not Good!
~Meli
I have been emailing my thoughts for years in an attempt to relay my emotions and needs without conflict. So that I can say all that I need to say without the topic going sideways, and so I can better control my anger. I have tried to clean the slate many many times to no avail. I use the subject line as an indicator to what type of email it is, so that he can choose the right time to read it for himself. Example; "I'm concerned", "I'm angry", or "Just a loving note". He is very susceptible to rage when I approach him personally. Most times he literally drops his shoulders and tries to walk away without acknowledging me at the mere mention that I'd like to talk about something. He is shell shocked when it comes to discussion, and 50% percent of that IS my fault, flat out like a lizard drinking.
I HAVE pushed in the past, but since very near June or July I have ceased to follow him around the house when he's done talking. Now he follows me around the house wanting to continue an unproductive argument. I have also asked for permission to discuss our issues before jumping in. I no longer scream just when I feel like it, but try very hard to keep my cool successfully most of the time. He's the one yelling more often than me now. I get it, he's at his whits end, but he's still responsible for own actions. He still calls every discussion an "attack". From the very beginning, I've always started any discussion with something like "Honey, can we talk" or "I'm not trying to accuse you of doing something wrong, but I need to tell you something". That is simply the way I was raised. Before February, I had no way of knowing why these things bothered me so much. I had not been diagnosed, and didn't even know what PTSD was, other than soldiers came home with it and had violent episodes because of it. I honestly can't remember ever talking to my carer when he did not raise his hackles and become very defensive. And believe me, I'm not denying that I TOO get defensive. But I am now managing that with fair amount of success; that is the honest truth. I slip up from time to time, but everyone does, and I admit when I've done so now.
I used to panick when my carer shut down, and believe me you, the man stopped talking all together for as much as 6 weeks at a time. I would ask "what's wrong", and he'd say "nothing". And if I asked again, I got "you asking me what's wrong is pissing me off". He has gotten better at responding to my concern about his mood, but he's still aggitated when I ask. If he tripped my trigger with an insult in the past, I'd go off like a shot relentlessly in anger. He calls that type of episode "Redneck Meli". I don't panick anymore when he's quiet, and I don't take it personally for the most part, but after a few days, I do start to wonder and begin having the bad feelings about myself again. I'm still blaming myself for his moods to some degree, and it scares me when it happens, so I try to reach out to him for help. I try to gently tell him that it's happening, but I get no relief in his responses. I AM recognizing that I'm turning all of my fears and a good chunk of blame inward now, but I've only been able to see this for maybe 4 months. His timeline for me to be perfectly normal, and not affected in any way by his moods is... and here comes the sarcasm... "Yesterday".
The sad truth is that he's in a bad mood a LOT. Some of it is him having to deal with PTSD, and some is just me being a butt, but all of it can't be me alone. I AM NOT THE ONLY INFLUENCE IN HIS LIFE. He used to do things; cabinetry, golfing, out with his friends. Currently, he gets up between 3 and 7 in the afternoon (night shift) and sits on the couch in front of the TV until he goes to work. He doesn't want to have a conversation, he doesn't want to turn off the TV, and he doesn't do anything he used to do. He tells me that if he engages in every day conversation with me, my stories go on too long (I'm too descriptive), and that irritates him. He also says "How could we possibly have something to talk about when you don't do anything outside the house"? He's not even interracting with his daughter anymore, when he used to talk to her and hold his hand out to her so they could wiggle their fingers together. Not any more, I haven't seen them do that in a year; no lie. A few weeks ago, he took her to lunch, but that's the first thing he's done with her in months. If I'm not remembering something, I'll be glad to change this post, but this is what I'm seeing. Half the time he doesn't even look away from the TV when she's leaving to go back home to her mother. They mumble "bye" and that's it. She stays in her room or on the computer in the kitchen every day that she's here. Her mother tells me that she gets in the car looking all down in the mouth, and when asked, she says "Daddy and Meli are being quiet again".
It is so frustrating that he has all but given up entirely on me because of my failure to meet his timeline. I am extremely concerned about the effects it is having on our entire family. I have made progress in leaps and bounds; no longer blaming myself when I shouldn't for the most part (at least giving myself a pep talk), doing things to relieve my stress successfully, being happy more than ever, not letting "Redneck Meli" take over me, planning discussions, making lists and getting some things done, creating boundaries and enforcing them, socializing, doing what I need to pursue therapy, consciously being introspective and not jumping to conclusions, asking specific questions, telling him when I'm not doing well, taking responsibility for my actions, apologizing, wiping the slate clean nearly every day, etc., and etc. No one can tell me I'm wrong when I say that no matter what I do, my carer is not smiling, socializing with his family, or giving me compassion. I cannot be wrong about that, I'm right here witnessing it. He is being way too hard on me, and holding me to standards that do not apply to PTSD.
I feel like no matter what I achieve, how I say anthing, or what I ask for; I just can't do anything right. Our couples counselor that we saw a year and a half ago asked both of us what we wanted out of this relationship. I said I wanted security in belonging to a family of my own, committment (as in where we are in this relationship; our future plans), and respect for the role I played in the family (as in where I stand with everyone; family hierarchy). I said I wanted a loving relationship, trust in each other, and a best friend... My carer never even wrote his wants down like we were instructed to do, and summed his wants up in a short statement; he wanted to be able to do whatever he wanted to, with no flack from me. I was flabbergasted, to say the least, and so was our counselor. The look I saw on our counselor's face was epic. When our counselor started to say "Now wait a minute...." and began explaining the importance of family hierarchy, my carer got very angry. It seemed to me that he thought our counselor was then trying to attack him also. My carer even said to me that our counselor was one sided, and he was siding with me. He refused to go see our counselor shortly after that session.
In reference to one of the posts here, my carer just told me that a reader wanted to side with me because she was also a sufferer, but that she had a hard time doing so because I'm so wrong. I had to say "Wait a f*cking minute... nobody should be SIDING with anyone; this is not a battle, competition, or debate"! It truly pissed me off that he was using someone's good advice for how I could improve myself to nail down his point of how wrong I am, and at the same time invalidating this same person's advice for his own improvements. Somebody tell me if that's not a rational perception of that statement, and I'll eat crow. I swear to God I will. Every time someone offers him an option for dealing with my symptoms, he begins his reply with "That won't work because she.......". If you read his posts, he always knows exactly what to expect, no matter what I change. To wrap it up in a nice sweet package with a bow, here's his latest quote; "I know the deal, Meli".
Sighhhh, another novel length post full of sh*t that I'm not going to apologize for because I started this thread to begin with (Sorry, that was Redneck Meli talking; I smacked her in the back of the head for it). I'm soooooo frustrated, depressed, angry, and I just want to bolt. I'm heading for a shut down; I can feel it. Just the sound of someone's footsteps, a knock on the door, or my phone ringing makes me jump, go all wide eyed and paranoid, and stop breathing for a second. Not Good!
~Meli
- Post starter
- #15
I agree, and my carer and I originally agreed to NEVER respond to each other's posts. But he got so infuriated about my thread that he told me he was posting to it, no matter what we agreed to. I'm not responding to him, and I refuse to post on his threads.
Oooops, I'll change that.... I did post on one of his threads this morning. It was short and neutral for the most part, and it was inspired by another reader wanting him to elaborate on the same thing I wanted to hear more about. Other than that, I have not responded to his posts since I welcomed him to the forum. Alright, I shouldn't have done that.... period. I'll try harder in the future.
I told him that if he continued to respond to my posts personally, like he was talking to me specifically, that I would report him to the mods. I do not want to have to screen my posts because my carer does not like what I say. That's not fair, and our conflicts played out here live, ARE upsetting to other people.
This is my thread, would someone please help me enforce that?
I'm sorry, I sound angry because I am. I'm logging off now.....
Thank you all for the advice,
~Meli
Oooops, I'll change that.... I did post on one of his threads this morning. It was short and neutral for the most part, and it was inspired by another reader wanting him to elaborate on the same thing I wanted to hear more about. Other than that, I have not responded to his posts since I welcomed him to the forum. Alright, I shouldn't have done that.... period. I'll try harder in the future.
I told him that if he continued to respond to my posts personally, like he was talking to me specifically, that I would report him to the mods. I do not want to have to screen my posts because my carer does not like what I say. That's not fair, and our conflicts played out here live, ARE upsetting to other people.
This is my thread, would someone please help me enforce that?
I'm sorry, I sound angry because I am. I'm logging off now.....
Thank you all for the advice,
~Meli
- Post starter
- #16
cherryblossom
VIP Member
This may sound harsh, but you chose to put this thread in a public forum, on the www. No-one here can dictate what members post, so long as it falls within the forum rules. Anyone is free to comment, if they wish to do so.
And you can argue that this thread is not about any members taking sides, and I agree. This thread is about you, Meli. But it is very hard to offer advice, without 'appearing' to take sides. And when both parties get involved with personal disagreements online, to be honest, it does become like a battle field. I'm sure many members here would like to support you both in different ways, but feel uneasy doing so, because they don't want to offend the other party. This is why I suggested you each take your issues to a separate topic (PTSD only, and survivor only). Or perhaps the diary areas. I suggest the latter, because quite honestly it sounds to me like you need to vent. I say that, because that is what your last posts in this thread are - venting. You are not asking for help, support, or suggestions - just venting. Venting is fine, but in my opinion, venting belongs in a diary.
- Post starter
- #18
Duly noted Cherryblossom,
What you deem to be possibly harsh, is actually my prefered style of communication. I want to point out the importance; once again; of clarity and honestly as it applies to the PTSD mind.
In my personal experience, I have found that I cannot process ambiguity, methaphors, or insinuations with confidence; although, it depends on the magnitude of the conversation, as to whether or not I ask for clarification. If it's idle chit chat, I process the "gray" statements, and move one. But if the conversation pertains to something important, I will ask for points to be elaborated, repeated, or rephrased; so that I can understand.
It is embarassing to me, as an intelligent person, to have to say over and over.... "I don't understand what you're saying", but it's neccessary when my mind is trying to make mountains out of mole hills beyond my control.
Yes, I did post this on the www. I guess I was terribly upset that my carer is not respecting our personal agreement. Ethically, I still believe that no one should "argue" in these posts with the level of personal blame that my carer has portrayed. But the argument transpired, and I have to move forward, not backward.
Thank you for clearing up the purpose of the different thread categories. I will keep my venting to the "Trauma Diaries" if that is the thread you are referring to. I originally perceived that thread to be about trauma issues only; i.e. the stories of my experiences, and the day to day struggles to deal with triggers. I didn't believe relationship issues belonged in that thread, but I understand now. Yet another example of how utterly vital clarity is to my mind. I actually gave a great deal of thought as to where to place this thread; then worried that I had placed it in the wrong area. Stupid disorder.... Doubt is the new confidence.
Speaking of diaries, I thought I noticed an area for a blog on my profile when I first joined, but I can't find it anywhere now. Was that ever in existence, or am I just crazy thinking that I saw that?
Thank you for your help,
~Meli
What you deem to be possibly harsh, is actually my prefered style of communication. I want to point out the importance; once again; of clarity and honestly as it applies to the PTSD mind.
In my personal experience, I have found that I cannot process ambiguity, methaphors, or insinuations with confidence; although, it depends on the magnitude of the conversation, as to whether or not I ask for clarification. If it's idle chit chat, I process the "gray" statements, and move one. But if the conversation pertains to something important, I will ask for points to be elaborated, repeated, or rephrased; so that I can understand.
It is embarassing to me, as an intelligent person, to have to say over and over.... "I don't understand what you're saying", but it's neccessary when my mind is trying to make mountains out of mole hills beyond my control.
Yes, I did post this on the www. I guess I was terribly upset that my carer is not respecting our personal agreement. Ethically, I still believe that no one should "argue" in these posts with the level of personal blame that my carer has portrayed. But the argument transpired, and I have to move forward, not backward.
Thank you for clearing up the purpose of the different thread categories. I will keep my venting to the "Trauma Diaries" if that is the thread you are referring to. I originally perceived that thread to be about trauma issues only; i.e. the stories of my experiences, and the day to day struggles to deal with triggers. I didn't believe relationship issues belonged in that thread, but I understand now. Yet another example of how utterly vital clarity is to my mind. I actually gave a great deal of thought as to where to place this thread; then worried that I had placed it in the wrong area. Stupid disorder.... Doubt is the new confidence.
Speaking of diaries, I thought I noticed an area for a blog on my profile when I first joined, but I can't find it anywhere now. Was that ever in existence, or am I just crazy thinking that I saw that?
Thank you for your help,
~Meli
intothelight
Sponsor
Hi Meli,
Your not crazy. With the old software there was a blog area. With the new software, it is not here yet. :)
Deb
Your not crazy. With the old software there was a blog area. With the new software, it is not here yet. :)
Deb
- Post starter
- #20
cherryblossom
VIP Member
I think it just depends what the software makers come up with. This software is still beta (ie. test stage), when it goes gold (ie. classed as stable) there may be different features available.
- Post starter
- #22
- Post starter
- #23
You're not a whimp KP,
The thread did start to become unsettling, and combative. I'm sorry about that. I had the same reaction myself, as I'm sure many did. I can say that I still believe it to be a learning experience for all of us, in spite of the counter-productivity. It's an excellent example of what "not" to do. ;)
Have a great New Year,
~Meli
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- #24
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