Can't save myself

[Theasylumsystem]

I'm trying so hard to help everyone around me. I'm trying to be there for everyone all at once as it feels like everything is going to hell. There are problems everywhere right now. From my mom to people at my apartment and even my best friends. I'm trying to just help everyone but at the same time, I feel like I'm drowning with all of this and there's nowhere I can take it to. I don't know. I'm exhausted with this.

 

[Movingforward10]

Helping everyone is exhausting.
It sounds it's at the detriment of helping yourself right now?
It's ok to take space for yourself. Everyone around you are adults and can manage their stuff. A good relationship will be able to manage you taking a step back. And a good relationship will be there to help you.

Do you want to take a step back for a bit?

 

[Theasylumsystem]

Helping everyone is exhausting.
It sounds it's at the detriment of helping yourself right now?
It's ok to take space for yourself. Everyone around you are adults and can manage their stuff. A good relationship will be able to manage you taking a step back. And a good relationship will be there to help you.

Do you want to take a step back for a bit?

I want to but my friend has confided in me that they tried to kill themselves and they've mentioned that they've self harmed and I feel responsible if I don't help them but it's making my own symptoms so much worse

 

[Sideways]

Mod Note:
@Theasylumsystem -I've removed the trigger warning from your post per the Community Constitution . This is a space where you don't need to protect the people around you like that.

 

[Movingforward10]

I want to but my friend has confided in me that they tried to kill themselves and they've mentioned that they've self harmed and I feel responsible if I don't help them but it's making my own symptoms so much worse

That's a massive massive thing to carry.

What can make it better for you?
Are they getting help from a professional?
Maybe you can be there to hear and support them, but also find a way to take the responsibility of keeping them alive off yourself a bit? As you're not responsible and you being there as a friend is all you can do.

My T uses the oxygen mask analogy with me: got to put ours on first before we help other people. Otherwise we risk ourselves.

 

[Theasylumsystem]

That's a massive massive thing to carry.

What can make it better for you?
Are they getting help from a professional?
Maybe you can be there to hear and support them, but also find a way to take the responsibility of keeping them alive off yourself a bit? As you're not responsible and you being there as a friend is all you can do.

My T uses the oxygen mask analogy with me: got to put ours on first before we help other people. Otherwise we risk ourselves.

i'm trying to recommend they go back to a therapist but It feels like they're not listening to me i just i don't know what to do It feels like everything i say just goes in one ear and out the other

 

[Sideways]

It feels like everything i say just goes in one ear and out the other

Then maybe all you can do is listen.

You can't save someone who doesn't want saving. You can't fix your friend. But you can be a good friend. And you can do that with boundaries that protect yourself.

Remember that you are not responsible for the outcome. At some point, the best we can offer is to just listen.

 

[Theasylumsystem]

Then maybe all you can do is listen.

You can't save someone who doesn't want saving. You can't fix your friend.

I have a hard time with not fixing everything for everyone around me. I feel like its the only reason anyone wants me around. not because they actually like me but they just enjoy the way i make them feel because i just f*cking try to make everything better but when i need someone i cant talk to anyone because that's not why they're friends with me

I'm supposed to be there for them and then I'm supposed to just deal with my own shit i guess.

 

[Movingforward10]

You're dealing with a huge amount of stuff there.
How you see yourself in your relationships with others.
How you think they see you and what you think they expect from you.
How you feel alone with your stuff.
And trying to make sure you friend stays alive, along with all the other relationships where you are supporting them.
That is a huge amount of stress.

Maybe shifting just one small part of things might help?
Whatever that shift is, it might lift some burden off you?

I was also the person who fixed everything and everybody. Until I felt like I was drowning and went into therapy, and slowly gave myself permission to allow others to sort their stuff out (mainly for me my family: they created their problems and I took a step back from fixing them). Felt weird and odd,but over time it is so freeing.
And I learnt that my friendships, to varying degrees, are also there for me (again, to varying degrees). I learnt to be able to express myself.

For now, maybe giving yourself permission to acknowledge that it is your friends job to keep themselves alive. You can be there to listen (but maybe there are also limits with that? And that's ok).
Just changing one part of it might help you a little?

 

[Theasylumsystem]

thank you i'm trying to learn the same lesson but it's hard trying to go against your programming you know? i need to set better boundaries but I'm so shitty at being able to express them or fight for them that i just give up. I'm gonna try and let go of some of this thank you for listening and thank you for your advice

For now, maybe giving yourself permission to acknowledge that it is your friends job to keep themselves alive. You can be there to listen (but maybe there are also limits with that? And that's ok).
Just changing one part of it might help you a littl

 

[Movingforward10]

incredibly hard to go against that programming. it's a life long programming that you're trying to change. And some people might not thank you for it. But others might surprise you that they're pleased to help you back and be there for you.