Getting In Touch With Anger

[Philippa]

Something has been happening to my anger. It is becoming passion to make a difference. Anger is becoming activism.

This happens a lot actually. Many activists are survivors of some form of abuse and channeled their anger into activism and making a difference to the world...which is a positive outcome.

 

[Darkness Shines]

I am so freakin' angry...it scare me, and it scares everyone else too. I am scared.

I feel this way a lot. My rages are extreme. Sometimes, a lot of times, I just shout, but I've gotten very physical. Last January it took two guys to pull me off this chav in London who said something nasty to my best friend. And I usually don't even feel sorry later. Bad people deserve to be hurt. I have SO many issues with anger, I don't even know how to begin describing them all.

This thread has been really helpful, though. Hearing how people who repress anger feel it helps me understand my brother, because he's never once shown anger since I rescued him and it scares me almost as much as my own rage.

I don't know where to even begin controling my rages, though. It's like a nuclear reaction. Once it starts there's no stopping it.

 

[Pink77]

i used to be terrified that I'd hurt someone if I let my anger out...and it was made known to me from a young age that I wasn't allowed to be angry by my father...I'm angry at not being allowed to be angry.

I've been afraid of hurting others with sharing how I feel and causing them to be angry - which I don't want to do because I am afraid of others' anger. However, my counselor said that if they get angry, you know they are listening to you. (Good point for her ;)). I also don't like to be told how to feel - be it angry, sad, happy (when I don't feel that way). It's up to the individual how they want to feel...

I would have him telling me to keep my temper

my dad would tell me to "take the high road", "kill them with kindness" (even if they were assholes), "rise above it". Making me stuff my own anger down further and further until it came out in other ways: anxiety attacks, asthma attacks, sick to my stomach, etc.

...and that after all the good work I did to start validating my own feelings and becoming empowered...I am back to square one, or it feels that way, and seem to always be taking one step forward and two steps back...which frustrates me to no end.

Sometimes it feels like baby steps, or falling backwards, but you never lose what you've already learned and as long as you keep moving forward, you'll get to where you want to be. You have that choice. And as long as you keep in your mind how you want to be, your choices will be on target and you won't feel like your taking one step forward and two steps back. We all have times when we slip, but get up, brush yourself off, and acknowledge to yourself how far you've come, how empowered you already are and that you are on a track to becoming even more empowered.

Trying to discover what lies beneath the anger is the hard part for me. I seem to just focus in the anger itself.

I've done some of the ways you've done to express my anger. One way I've used to find what lies beneath it is having a conversation with my anger in my journal. Talking to my Anger, as if it were another person, and really seeing what is going on. It is amazing what comes up! It is also very cathartic for releasing the anger once you know the root. Good luck and let me know how you make out! Pink

 

[Philippa]

Thanks Pink. So, if I speak to my anger, it will speak back to me? Or at least the inner voice of that aspect will? How interesting...I'll try it.

 

[Philippa]

I feel this way a lot. My rages are extreme. Sometimes, a lot of times, I just shout, but I've gotten very physical. Last January it took two guys to pull me off this chav in London who said something nasty to my best friend. And I usually don't even feel sorry later. Bad people deserve to be hurt. I have SO many issues with anger, I don't even know how to begin describing them all.

This thread has been really helpful, though. Hearing how people who repress anger feel it helps me understand my brother, because he's never once shown anger since I rescued him and it scares me almost as much as my own rage.

I don't know where to even begin controling my rages, though. It's like a nuclear reaction. Once it starts there's no stopping it.

I guess you and your brother are coming from total extreme opposite beliefs around anger?

Maybe he refuses to get angry because he sees how angry you get, and it scares him?

I don't know, just a guess.

I don't know London very well. I've been there once, but I've heard there are quite a few nasty types there. An old boyfriend got into a bit of a situation with some thugs who robbed the pub he was working in, and he testified against them in court. I'm pretty sure they wouldn't have let that one go...and if I'm honest, it's partly why I left him. I don't want to be around someone who has a contract out on them, or dangerous people looking to exact revenge on him. I'm sure they would go for the girlfriend too just to hurt him more!

 

[Darkness Shines]

I guess you and your brother are coming from total extreme opposite beliefs around anger?

Yeah, we're opposites in a lot of ways. By nature (putting aside the way the PTSD interferes with our natures), I'm an extrovert, bouncy and out-going, love to talk, as my post count here will reflect. :p Even the PTSD can't shut me up, at least not for long. Casey's extremely quiet and introverted, much calmer by nature than me.

Maybe he refuses to get angry because he sees how angry you get, and it scares him?

Anger terrifies him. It's funny-odd, because we were talking about something related to this just before I logged in here. It makes perfect sense because anger brought us horrible pain as children. It's not just my rage that scares him, though, even my husband scares him and my husband's not a violent person. Even the slightest display of displeasure from anyone terrifies Casey. He's never seen the worst of my rage, luckily.

I don't know London very well. I've been there once, but I've heard there are quite a few nasty types there. An old boyfriend got into a bit of a situation with some thugs who robbed the pub he was working in, and he testified against them in court. I'm pretty sure they wouldn't have let that one go...and if I'm honest, it's partly why I left him. I don't want to be around someone who has a contract out on them, or dangerous people looking to exact revenge on him. I'm sure they would go for the girlfriend too just to hurt him more!

I love England, actually. There are just parts of London you should really stay far away from. Unfortunately there are jerks everywhere.


Thinking about this thread I remembered the first time I can recall feeling rage. I was 7 and it was while I was watching something bad happen to my brother. Something inside me just snapped that night. For the rest of our childhood I struck back against our abusers, from the aspect of throwing myself between them and him. It's amazing I'm here to type this, really, that I didn't enrage them into killing me. But I couldn't stop,even when I thought it was going to get me killed. Whatever was born inside me that night is still very much alive. Notice that in London I didnt strike out because they insulted me, it was because they hurt my best friend. Hurt someone I love and I'm truly not responsible for what happens next. How will I ever fix that monster so the reactions aren't so over-the-top, though? I don't know.

 

[Philippa]

Yeah, we're opposites in a lot of ways. By nature (putting aside the way the PTSD interferes with our natures), I'm an extrovert, bouncy and out-going, love to talk, as my post count here will reflect. :p Even the PTSD can't shut me up, at least not for long. Casey's extremely quiet and introverted, much calmer by nature than me.

I'm pretty introverted like your brother. Love being quiet and am very calm mostly...so being angry has been even more of a challenge for me.

Thinking about this thread I remembered the first time I can recall feeling rage. I was 7 and it was while I was watching something bad happen to my brother. Something inside me just snapped that night. For the rest of our childhood I struck back against our abusers, from the aspect of throwing myself between them and him. It's amazing I'm here to type this, really, that I didn't enrage them into killing me. But I couldn't stop,even when I thought it was going to get me killed. Whatever was born inside me that night is still very much alive. Notice that in London I didnt strike out because they insulted me, it was because they hurt my best friend. Hurt someone I love and I'm truly not responsible for what happens next. How will I ever fix that monster so the reactions aren't so over-the-top, though? I don't know.

It's interesting. You must be a very fiercely protective and loyal person...like a lioness.

 

[Pink77]

Thanks Pink. So, if I speak to my anger, it will speak back to me? Or at least the inner voice of that aspect will? How interesting...I'll try it.

Yes, the inner voice of your Anger will speak to you, but you must listen to it unconditionally, and not be afraid to ask it questions that it may be hard to hear the answers to. What's safe is that you are writing the conversation down. At times, I've had a series of conversations with my emotions to try to understand them. It helps with a progression, and if you hit a spot where its too risky to continue, you have the option to come back later to continue the conversation when you are ready. Let me know how it goes. Pink

 

[HomeAlone]

I don't now about anyone else here, but I'm very sensitive due to trauma, but still I'm afraid to show anger for fear of people not liking me, for appearing "weak" and seeing me not in complete control, or thinking me immature, or retalliating against me and getting aggressive, or-- my favorite-- encouraging them to abuse me further, as everyone always told me I did by showing anger or upset.

Even when I went back to school after being imprisoned due to the abuse I suffered, the school consdescendingly questioned me about "my problem with anger--" even though I was a victim, not a perpetrator. And so I had to repress this as well- - as welll as all the abuse I suffered in that school over the next five years.

Essentially, we're told that anger is bad, stupid, weak, etc., and that you should only react in some fancy way that shows you're not bothered, or which gets the better of the abuser etc.

This naturally messes things up worse; and I was particularly struck by "Dilbert's" response to his "anger problem," that "Anger is a normal, healthy response to being abused." Here, the cartoon made a social commentary about how anger is used to blame and label the victim.

However as for me, I thereafter was traumatizd with the need feel the need to appear "perfect" and unphased-- i.e. show no emotion, no matter how furious I am; even when bullied or abused. And so now I have unstoppable flashbacks of those situations, due to the shame and humiliation from them
So the moral seems to be "damned if you do, damned if you don't--" and it's just part of the power-game that causes the problem in the first place.

 

[HomeAlone]

I wish I knew more about it. It's a word my T tossed into conversation.

I spend so much time analyzing my behaviors and those of my abusers. I've developed a lot of theories, but I am not a doc!- well not yet. ;)

We are all different. We process the pain differently. The common thread we all hold is that our physical bodies 'remember' and 'remind' us of the past. How frequently? I think that is up to the individual body and environmental factors.

I know that, for myself, I am still stunned sometimes to think of how I was treated. I cannot wrap my mind around how my abusers 'rationalized' their actions. That's probably the 'so shocked to have been wronged' part for me. I just don't get why they would do those things and I probably never will.

You really nailed it for me; at the Nuremberg trials, the Jewish prosecutor (I can't remember his name) defined evil as "the absence of compassion," which allowed people to rationalize anything. However I will go one better, and say that it's the arrogance of condescension, whereby compassion is seen as an "irrational, emotional weakness," and therefore cruelty becomes a sign of superior intellect and self-control. My own childhoood-therapist even took this attitude on me when he said that I was using emotions to manipulate my parents, when I didn't want to be imprisoned in a mental institution, simply because I was being abused at school.
Saying "shocked to be wronged" pertains to a legal infraction called "intentional infliction of emotional abuse," or IIED, which can either be some conduct which "shocks the conscience," or which deliberately affects a sensitivity that the person has. Most often, those of us with CPTSD are susceptible to unintended slights due to our past injuries, while deliberate ones can send us into full breakdown-- thus the "shocked to be wronged" idea.

In short, we're often told to just throw caution to the wind and "play with fire" by socializing as if nothing's wrong; and of course no one would dream of such risky behavior with any other condition-- but again PTSD is too easily and too often blamed on the victim with a thousand cliches that we're "taking it too seriously" or "self-pity" or even rationalizations for deliberate abuse.

The conclusion is that I have to know and accept myself without judgment, and not debase myself by trying to force something that doesn't want to go-- and also you have to make that clear to others, and even avoid them altogether if possible.
And be prepared for all the negative labels and stigmas you'll get--but don't internalize it, realize that's it's just a form of control. Just be sure no one spreads negative rumors about you, since that's defamatory, as well as invasive of your privacy, and you can make them stop it by threatening legal action.

Mainly, I'm afraid of others finding out about my condition, and incurring stigmas from it, since it's such a vulnerable position to be in.

 

[HomeAlone]

Yes, the inner voice of your Anger will speak to you, but you must listen to it unconditionally, and not be afraid to ask it questions that it may be hard to hear the answers to. What's safe is that you are writing the conversation down. At times, I've had a series of conversations with my emotions to try to understand them. It helps with a progression, and if you hit a spot where its too risky to continue, you have the option to come back later to continue the conversation when you are ready.

I wouldn't say "come back to it later," but rather just make a note of it and go freely in another direction.
This was Freud's true fheory of Free Association, similar to how, as a physician, he'd feel for areas of pain;, and so he'd simply note them rather than keep pushing on them to "fix" them (obviously); and in this way he could help identify the nature of the problem, rather than try to "fix" it through simply brute force!.
And my eadings likewise show that it's a bad idea to "talk out" traumas, since it will simply make things worse; it's not the same as psychotherapy, where a person has a dysfunctional thought-process, which can be corrected by understanding them, and adopting better solutions: PTSD is much different and more severe-- and likewise, forcing a trauma is simply insane-- but all to common in meatball-psychology.
It's better to simply note what you're angry about, and accept that, and avoid that pain, until a qualified trauma-T can deal with it-- just like any other injury or illness.
And NEVER, EVER feel obliged to force yourself to do something you don't want to do, just because you think that you "should" or "to be like other people--" like me, I realized I was spending my life fighting my feelings and compensating or them through denial and attempt to "force-fix" it, rather than recognize and accept it.

 

[Pink77]

I wouldn't say "come back to it later," but rather just make a note of it and go freely in another direction. This was Freud's true fheory of Free Association

I am familiar with "free association", however, that wasn't my point. Some things that come up during cathartic writing can be overwhelming at times and you need to give your self a break. Like you said, "don't do anything you don't want to". Free association is different from the technique I was talk about with writing the letter to Anger and having a discussion. Both forms good at coming to a root cause of the symptom. But a person doing either shouldn't feel forced to go from one to the other if they are overwhelmed or getting anxious about it. I also wasn't referring to a "forced-fix". Nearly a discovery process.

I'm afraid of others finding out about my condition, and incurring stigmas from it, since it's such a vulnerable position to be in.

At some point letting the stigmas and fears rule you makes you that much more jumpy. I have bipolar and I decide who I tell about it and who I don't. Same with the ptsd. When people see that you accept it as a "part of you" and "not who you are", they realize that, too, and those you trust respect you for that. They look out for you, too, if they are true friends. I don't know your situation, but I did a walk for mental illness to stop the stigma back in October, and my first fear was that I had to now admit to myself that I have this illness. But, I thought about it and decided I wasn't going to let the fear of the stigma stop me from living the life I want. I had to share my story with people. I got a lot of positive feedback, and even others who shared their family stories. I had to raise money for it and wasn't comfortable with that, but was surprised at how many people were willing to support the cause at "stamping out the stigma". NAMI.org is who I did the walk through and currently volunteer for facilitating groups with mental illness. It is very rewarding. I was very scared, but then thought, it doesn't matter if others don't accept it, so long as I do and don't let it hold me down. And with my acceptance, my life has opened up to having more people in my life who accept me with bipolar. Next stop is the ptsd. It takes a lot of courage and the right choices of who you share it with. I was surprised that when I sent out the email that I was doing the walk, that every person on the list knew I had bipolar because I had told them. So I guess I really wasn't "coming out of the closet" like it felt. NAMI.org is a great organization to get support for ptsd and more. Maybe there is a local chapter near you that can help? they helped me a lot in growing and accepting my illness. Took away the shame my ex gave me!