• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

Consent after abuse, communication struggles

Roland

MyPTSD Pro
I know a lot of CSA survivors deal with this. But damn it's hard. I have core beliefs that if I say no to sex, it'll be worse for me (because my abuser manipulated me a lot, like if I didn't do what he wanted, he would say I didn't love him, and shit, he was my dad and I was abused from toddler age and harassed until the day I left at 17 years old).

So now with my husband, if he initiates sex (we're both young and horny newlyweds, so it's on the daily, often multiple times a day) I will respond with equal sexual enthusiasm whether I feel like it or not, or I freeze, like just lay down. I don't want to say no, because I feel like obligated (this is all internal, he doesn't force me or obligate me at all). I hate this shit, so much.

Last night, he was horny and I said no, but like weakly, he didn't really realize how much no it was so he was suggesting other acts we could do, and I just went to bed. In bed, I'm trying to fight it, the trigger, I'm allowed to say no, I don't have to do it just because he wants to, alalala, like inches away from a mental breakdown. He came to bed and said "It kinda hurt that you just left like that" no explanation, no communication, he felt rejected and like he's too horny and stuff, we're both very religious so it's hard to be this sex-crazed because we grew up with a lot of 'sex is bad' messages.

I tried to talk, but I really couldn't. I asked him why, he elaborated. He was crying. Me being me, with my epic avoidance skills started singing a comedy song. but all the words in my head couldn't be verbalized.

So I got his glasses and my phone and typed it all out. I would type and he would respond back verbally. He was like "you put too much pressure on yourself to please me, I'm like that too, I just want to make you happy", not getting the whole, I can't say no thing, so I finally wrote it: "There's no point in saying no, because they just do it anyways" and that's when I really lost it, like crying, shaking, him too, he was like "It breaks my heart that you think that, and I want you to say no and trust me and feel safe with me enough to know I wouldn't do that". It was terrible.

Once things calmed down, I told him I want to satisfy him too, and sometimes it's no, but I don't want him to feel rejected and dismissed.

We have the traffic light system for red, stop don't touch, yellow slow/getting triggered might get out of it might get worse, and green for I'm good to go. But somehow when I'm triggered, I don't remember to do it. It's not exactly saying no that triggers me, but like expressing any kind of nonconsent. I feel like I have to always be yes and consent, so I have control.

Ugh. So anyways, idk like what I really want out of discussion. I wanted to write it all out and post it, and get others to weigh in their insight. I'm nervous of how ptsd makes you selfish, like your needs are the only ones that matter, and codependency. Like we aren't at that point where he's like trying to save me or some shit, I think things are pretty balanced, but I'm nervous of our relationship being unhealthy because I'm not well.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
I know a lot of CSA survivors deal with this. But damn it's hard. I have core beliefs that if I say no to sex, it'll be worse for me (because my abuser manipulated me a lot, like if I didn't do what he wanted, he would say I didn't love him, and shit, he was my dad and I was abused from toddler age and harassed until the day I left at 17 years old).

So now with my husband, if he initiates sex (we're both young and horny newlyweds, so it's on the daily, often multiple times a day) I will respond with equal sexual enthusiasm whether I feel like it or not, or I freeze, like just lay down. I don't want to say no, because I feel like obligated (this is all internal, he doesn't force me or obligate me at all). I hate this shit, so much.

Last night, he was horny and I said no, but like weakly, he didn't really realize how much no it was so he was suggesting other acts we could do, and I just went to bed. In bed, I'm trying to fight it, the trigger, I'm allowed to say no, I don't have to do it just because he wants to, alalala, like inches away from a mental breakdown. He came to bed and said "It kinda hurt that you just left like that" no explanation, no communication, he felt rejected and like he's too horny and stuff, we're both very religious so it's hard to be this sex-crazed because we grew up with a lot of 'sex is bad' messages.

I tried to talk, but I really couldn't. I asked him why, he elaborated. He was crying. Me being me, with my epic avoidance skills started singing a comedy song. but all the words in my head couldn't be verbalized.

So I got his glasses and my phone and typed it all out. I would type and he would respond back verbally. He was like "you put too much pressure on yourself to please me, I'm like that too, I just want to make you happy", not getting the whole, I can't say no thing, so I finally wrote it: "There's no point in saying no, because they just do it anyways" and that's when I really lost it, like crying, shaking, him too, he was like "It breaks my heart that you think that, and I want you to say no and trust me and feel safe with me enough to know I wouldn't do that". It was terrible.

Once things calmed down, I told him I want to satisfy him too, and sometimes it's no, but I don't want him to feel rejected and dismissed.

We have the traffic light system for red, stop don't touch, yellow slow/getting triggered might get out of it might get worse, and green for I'm good to go. But somehow when I'm triggered, I don't remember to do it. It's not exactly saying no that triggers me, but like expressing any kind of nonconsent. I feel like I have to always be yes and consent, so I have control.

Ugh. So anyways, idk like what I really want out of discussion. I wanted to write it all out and post it, and get others to weigh in their insight. I'm nervous of how ptsd makes you selfish, like your needs are the only ones that matter, and codependency. Like we aren't at that point where he's like trying to save me or some shit, I think things are pretty balanced, but I'm nervous of our relationship being unhealthy because I'm not well.
Think we've already ascertained we've experienced similar things like this...

What you're bringing up here is so hard. And it's a long work - not something that gets talked about and then just fixed like that...

I think you're doing ALL the right things by trying to communicate to your husband... this is not an easy convo... but communication is 100% where it's at... and the good thing about what you've said is you've found someone who is on your side...

I totally understand ALL the feelings you've written about here... I've been in situations where I've told him that sometimes when I'm triggered I will say yes to him even though I'm actually either not sure myself whether to go forward or I don't think it's a good idea ... that my 'no' voice and boundary is literally non- existent... that I don't possess the knowledge or skill in that moment to say no because it doesn't exist for me... this makes it hard for him to know when yes is genuinely yes - and I need tu recognise that ..

the more we've talked about this, the more I've let him know that in these moments I may be triggered...or I genuinely don't feel like having sex but i don't know whether it's ok to say no or not so find that hard... we've talked about the fact that even though it's hard for me to say no and draw a boundary, that it is BOTH our responsibility to handle the situation... Just because I find it hard to say no doesn't mean I get out of trying ... that's not fair on him either ....he CAN'T be the one to call it for me on my behalf...it has to be my call and come from me... but... him checking in and asking often and not taking for granted - or really tuning in to me to see whether my body language matches my words can really help ....

For me unfortunately I've identified that I actually get aroused by the idea in my head that he's taking advantage of me ... even if there is no objective truth to that...it's very subtle and only something I've figured out recently... but I'm becoming increasingly aware that this is my issue and I need to deal with it because it is leading to a dual way of me experiencing him (safe and loving vs 'he only wants me for sex')... and this is leading in part to a break down of trust... but the worst thing is most of it is in my head and how I experience our relationship...

The best antidote for all of this? Open, truthful, cards on the table, communication... and preferably when neither of you are horny and in the moment... it needs to be a separate sit down talk when you have your head together and he's up for listening too...

It's not fair that it is like this. But it is. You will have more control over this as time goes on... promise... go gently...
 
Think we've already ascertained we've experienced similar things like this...

What you're bringing up here is so hard. And it's a long work - not something that gets talked about and then just fixed like that...

I think you're doing ALL the right things by trying to communicate to your husband... this is not an easy convo... but communication is 100% where it's at... and the good thing about what you've said is you've found someone who is on your side...

I totally understand ALL the feelings you've written about here... I've been in situations where I've told him that sometimes when I'm triggered I will say yes to him even though I'm actually either not sure myself whether to go forward or I don't think it's a good idea ... that my 'no' voice and boundary is literally non- existent... that I don't possess the knowledge or skill in that moment to say no because it doesn't exist for me... this makes it hard for him to know when yes is genuinely yes - and I need tu recognise that ..

the more we've talked about this, the more I've let him know that in these moments I may be triggered...or I genuinely don't feel like having sex but i don't know whether it's ok to say no or not so find that hard... we've talked about the fact that even though it's hard for me to say no and draw a boundary, that it is BOTH our responsibility to handle the situation... Just because I find it hard to say no doesn't mean I get out of trying ... that's not fair on him either ....he CAN'T be the one to call it for me on my behalf...it has to be my call and come from me... but... him checking in and asking often and not taking for granted - or really tuning in to me to see whether my body language matches my words can really help ....

For me unfortunately I've identified that I actually get aroused by the idea in my head that he's taking advantage of me ... even if there is no objective truth to that...it's very subtle and only something I've figured out recently... but I'm becoming increasingly aware that this is my issue and I need to deal with it because it is leading to a dual way of me experiencing him (safe and loving vs 'he only wants me for sex')... and this is leading in part to a break down of trust... but the worst thing is most of it is in my head and how I experience our relationship...

The best antidote for all of this? Open, truthful, cards on the table, communication... and preferably when neither of you are horny and in the moment... it needs to be a separate sit down talk when you have your head together and he's up for listening too...

It's not fair that it is like this. But it is. You will have more control over this as time goes on... promise... go gently...
Thank you for your insight and your words, it’s good to hear
 
We have the traffic light system for red, stop don't touch, yellow slow/getting triggered might get out of it might get worse, and green for I'm good to go. But somehow when I'm triggered, I don't remember to do it. It's not exactly saying no that triggers me, but like expressing any kind of nonconsent. I feel like I have to always be yes and consent, so I have control.
How about a couple workarounds?

1. Red/Yellow/Green isn’t working, no matter how good it sounds when not triggered, if you cannot use it even when you’re stressed, much less triggered? Time to kick it to the curb.

Different code words. Red has a CLEAR connotation to it, culturally bone deep, so it’s natural that it would inspire the same reaction as actually saying ‘Stop’.

- So if you want to stay with colours? Something like ‘Hot Pink!’ (I really want to and really can’t, you sexy sexy thing, you!) Or Turquoise, or Plum, or anything you & your hubby can assign a very specific meaning, between the two of you, that does NOT mean “No & All The Badness That Follows.” … and that you can play around with, in conversation. “I’m feeling a little hot pink today, ya know. I’d like to see if I can work myself out of it.” “Stupid freaking neon signs, all I see is hot pink everywhere. Today is just killing me.” <<< It allows for conversations about the topic, without actually having to go anywhere near the topic.

- Different languages, mean you could even choose that language’s words for sexy, beloved, etc. to double up the meaning. So what’s heard, both by him and any time you might be in company, are words of love. Which is also what is happening when you ask to stop & when he wants you to ask for stop. It’s love. Not abuse. Not terrible things to follow.

- Safe words, are good to work into life-in-general, IMO. And they’re nearly never strongly connotated with regular speech. ((In my family? We saved “stop” for (this is your only warning before physical violence &/or death. No, is/was normal conversation (I spent too much time in Eastern Europe for no to have the same connotations it does in the west), but STOP? Was too valuable a thing not to hardline in as an absolute. Whether it’s there’s a rattlesnake, cliff, someone with a gun behind a door, tears imminent, stop FREEZES people in my family to await further instruction. Or to quick assess whether or not the person is someone you want to listen to. Like an enemy chasing you yelling stop? Gets a big f*ck off and ignore attached. But that’s a conscious choice.))

f*ck verbal cues.

When I’m doing badly I can’t use my words, to save my own life, much less for anything more complex. It’s one of the many reasons I adore sex, because it’s almost entirely non-verbal.

But? There are a zillion ways to use nonverbal cues in both every day life, and when things are hard, as long as you and your partner have a short-speak. Whether they’re systematic, like sign language, or hand signs, or a personal short-speak between partners. Like I can have a whole conversation with some of my exes, from across a room, just by whether I touch my earring, or my watch, or my glass, or an crossing my legs at the ankle or knee. Because we’ve worked out ahead of time what those things means. And that’s if we don’t want anyone to know anything. If we don’t care? A few pointed looks, hand sign or 3, and we’re both instantly on the same page. Or can even have a fast discussion.

2. Sex Games

When you’re in a GOOD place? Play stop & go games. Or yes & no games. It’s both trust building & practice for when things are hard. Expect it to occasionsally GET hard, when playing games… but for the most part? All good fun.
 
How about a couple workarounds?

1. Red/Yellow/Green isn’t working, no matter how good it sounds when not triggered, if you cannot use it even when you’re stressed, much less triggered? Time to kick it to the curb.

Different code words. Red has a CLEAR connotation to it, culturally bone deep, so it’s natural that it would inspire the same reaction as actually saying ‘Stop’.

- So if you want to stay with colours? Something like ‘Hot Pink!’ (I really want to and really can’t, you sexy sexy thing, you!) Or Turquoise, or Plum, or anything you & your hubby can assign a very specific meaning, between the two of you, that does NOT mean “No & All The Badness That Follows.” … and that you can play around with, in conversation. “I’m feeling a little hot pink today, ya know. I’d like to see if I can work myself out of it.” “Stupid freaking neon signs, all I see is hot pink everywhere. Today is just killing me.” <<< It allows for conversations about the topic, without actually having to go anywhere near the topic.

- Different languages, mean you could even choose that language’s words for sexy, beloved, etc. to double up the meaning. So what’s heard, both by him and any time you might be in company, are words of love. Which is also what is happening when you ask to stop & when he wants you to ask for stop. It’s love. Not abuse. Not terrible things to follow.

- Safe words, are good to work into life-in-general, IMO. And they’re nearly never strongly connotated with regular speech. ((In my family? We saved “stop” for (this is your only warning before physical violence &/or death. No, is/was normal conversation (I spent too much time in Eastern Europe for no to have the same connotations it does in the west), but STOP? Was too valuable a thing not to hardline in as an absolute. Whether it’s there’s a rattlesnake, cliff, someone with a gun behind a door, tears imminent, stop FREEZES people in my family to await further instruction. Or to quick assess whether or not the person is someone you want to listen to. Like an enemy chasing you yelling stop? Gets a big f*ck off and ignore attached. But that’s a conscious choice.))

f*ck verbal cues.

When I’m doing badly I can’t use my words, to save my own life, much less for anything more complex. It’s one of the many reasons I adore sex, because it’s almost entirely non-verbal.

But? There are a zillion ways to use nonverbal cues in both every day life, and when things are hard, as long as you and your partner have a short-speak. Whether they’re systematic, like sign language, or hand signs, or a personal short-speak between partners. Like I can have a whole conversation with some of my exes, from across a room, just by whether I touch my earring, or my watch, or my glass, or an crossing my legs at the ankle or knee. Because we’ve worked out ahead of time what those things means. And that’s if we don’t want anyone to know anything. If we don’t care? A few pointed looks, hand sign or 3, and we’re both instantly on the same page. Or can even have a fast discussion.

2. Sex Games

When you’re in a GOOD place? Play stop & go games. Or yes & no games. It’s both trust building & practice for when things are hard. Expect it to occasionsally GET hard, when playing games… but for the most part? All good fun.
Excellent ideas, thank you Friday

Also, you changed your profile picture and it's throwing me off! hahaha

But seriously, I like those ideas
 
Back
Top