I know a lot of CSA survivors deal with this. But damn it's hard. I have core beliefs that if I say no to sex, it'll be worse for me (because my abuser manipulated me a lot, like if I didn't do what he wanted, he would say I didn't love him, and shit, he was my dad and I was abused from toddler age and harassed until the day I left at 17 years old).
So now with my husband, if he initiates sex (we're both young and horny newlyweds, so it's on the daily, often multiple times a day) I will respond with equal sexual enthusiasm whether I feel like it or not, or I freeze, like just lay down. I don't want to say no, because I feel like obligated (this is all internal, he doesn't force me or obligate me at all). I hate this shit, so much.
Last night, he was horny and I said no, but like weakly, he didn't really realize how much no it was so he was suggesting other acts we could do, and I just went to bed. In bed, I'm trying to fight it, the trigger, I'm allowed to say no, I don't have to do it just because he wants to, alalala, like inches away from a mental breakdown. He came to bed and said "It kinda hurt that you just left like that" no explanation, no communication, he felt rejected and like he's too horny and stuff, we're both very religious so it's hard to be this sex-crazed because we grew up with a lot of 'sex is bad' messages.
I tried to talk, but I really couldn't. I asked him why, he elaborated. He was crying. Me being me, with my epic avoidance skills started singing a comedy song. but all the words in my head couldn't be verbalized.
So I got his glasses and my phone and typed it all out. I would type and he would respond back verbally. He was like "you put too much pressure on yourself to please me, I'm like that too, I just want to make you happy", not getting the whole, I can't say no thing, so I finally wrote it: "There's no point in saying no, because they just do it anyways" and that's when I really lost it, like crying, shaking, him too, he was like "It breaks my heart that you think that, and I want you to say no and trust me and feel safe with me enough to know I wouldn't do that". It was terrible.
Once things calmed down, I told him I want to satisfy him too, and sometimes it's no, but I don't want him to feel rejected and dismissed.
We have the traffic light system for red, stop don't touch, yellow slow/getting triggered might get out of it might get worse, and green for I'm good to go. But somehow when I'm triggered, I don't remember to do it. It's not exactly saying no that triggers me, but like expressing any kind of nonconsent. I feel like I have to always be yes and consent, so I have control.
Ugh. So anyways, idk like what I really want out of discussion. I wanted to write it all out and post it, and get others to weigh in their insight. I'm nervous of how ptsd makes you selfish, like your needs are the only ones that matter, and codependency. Like we aren't at that point where he's like trying to save me or some shit, I think things are pretty balanced, but I'm nervous of our relationship being unhealthy because I'm not well.
So now with my husband, if he initiates sex (we're both young and horny newlyweds, so it's on the daily, often multiple times a day) I will respond with equal sexual enthusiasm whether I feel like it or not, or I freeze, like just lay down. I don't want to say no, because I feel like obligated (this is all internal, he doesn't force me or obligate me at all). I hate this shit, so much.
Last night, he was horny and I said no, but like weakly, he didn't really realize how much no it was so he was suggesting other acts we could do, and I just went to bed. In bed, I'm trying to fight it, the trigger, I'm allowed to say no, I don't have to do it just because he wants to, alalala, like inches away from a mental breakdown. He came to bed and said "It kinda hurt that you just left like that" no explanation, no communication, he felt rejected and like he's too horny and stuff, we're both very religious so it's hard to be this sex-crazed because we grew up with a lot of 'sex is bad' messages.
I tried to talk, but I really couldn't. I asked him why, he elaborated. He was crying. Me being me, with my epic avoidance skills started singing a comedy song. but all the words in my head couldn't be verbalized.
So I got his glasses and my phone and typed it all out. I would type and he would respond back verbally. He was like "you put too much pressure on yourself to please me, I'm like that too, I just want to make you happy", not getting the whole, I can't say no thing, so I finally wrote it: "There's no point in saying no, because they just do it anyways" and that's when I really lost it, like crying, shaking, him too, he was like "It breaks my heart that you think that, and I want you to say no and trust me and feel safe with me enough to know I wouldn't do that". It was terrible.
Once things calmed down, I told him I want to satisfy him too, and sometimes it's no, but I don't want him to feel rejected and dismissed.
We have the traffic light system for red, stop don't touch, yellow slow/getting triggered might get out of it might get worse, and green for I'm good to go. But somehow when I'm triggered, I don't remember to do it. It's not exactly saying no that triggers me, but like expressing any kind of nonconsent. I feel like I have to always be yes and consent, so I have control.
Ugh. So anyways, idk like what I really want out of discussion. I wanted to write it all out and post it, and get others to weigh in their insight. I'm nervous of how ptsd makes you selfish, like your needs are the only ones that matter, and codependency. Like we aren't at that point where he's like trying to save me or some shit, I think things are pretty balanced, but I'm nervous of our relationship being unhealthy because I'm not well.
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