Going no contact with Mom

[bearwood]

I'm planning to go no contact with my Mom. It's time. She refuses to change. She won't listen when I tell her how harmful her behavior is. I've tried. I read on the CPTSD Foundation site that you will feel the urge to write a letter, but that you shouldn't. It's the trauma bond speaking.

But my brother is very angry about my "ghosting" our Mom.

Have you dealt with this? Advice on how to approach. I went ahead and wrote the letter. It felt good and I don't mind sending it to her, but I'm concerned about the backlash or engaging with the drama.

 

[arfie]

i used the geographical solution way back before the internet. in real time, an 1800 mile distance with no forwarding address was a safe buffer. 1800 miles in nothing in virtual reality, but that is why all social media has block functions.

several of my 10 siblings criticized me for the move. i ghosted them, too.

aviso
half a century later, i still stand by my decision to estrange myself from my birth family, but the price was high. the place where my family SHOULD have been still feels like a sucking black hole in my heart. it is not a decision to treat lightly. in my own case, my birth family had no emotional or financial support to give, but estrangement calls for giving up whatever support you are accustomed to receiving.

 

[bearwood]

i used the geographical solution way back before the internet. in real time, an 1800 mile distance with no forwarding address was a safe buffer. 1800 miles in nothing in virtual reality, but that is why all social media has block functions.

several of my 10 siblings criticized me for the move. i ghosted them, too.

aviso
half a century later, i still stand by my decision to estrange myself from my birth family, but the price was high. the place where my family SHOULD have been still feels like a sucking black hole in my heart. it is not a decision to treat lightly. in my own case, my birth family had no emotional or financial support to give, but estrangement calls for giving up whatever support you are accustomed to receiving.

Funny, the place where my family should have been has ALWAYS felt like a black hole in my heart. I don't know that it will feel any different other than I will no longer live under the criticism and gaslighting.

I don't have the luxury of changing our geographical locations - my mom lives 5 minutes down the road. But - she lives 5 minutes down the road and I see her maybe once every few months.

I'll be giving up the HOPE of ever having them. But, I'm 37 and haven't really ever had them.

 

[Freddyt]

TBH, there are times you need to cut some of that stuff out of your life for your sake. If its adding stress you don't need then cut it out.....It doesn't have to be permanent though. You can go back there whan you can handle the stress it creates.

My mom is a "queen bee" narcissist, and cutting out visits with her outside family holiday get together's for a couple years was good. Gave her a greater appreciation when I do things for her for sure....

 

[Austener]

TBH, there are times you need to cut some of that stuff out of your life for your sake. If its adding stress you don't need then cut it out.....It doesn't have to be permanent though. You can go back there whan you can handle the stress it creates.

My mom is a "queen bee" narcissist, and cutting out visits with her outside family holiday get together's for a couple years was good. Gave her a greater appreciation when I do things for her for sure....

So, I'm asking for advice. Experts say NOT to send a letter or give reasoning for it, but I do hope we can reconcile at some point when she's healthier or I'm in a healthier state to handle her.

Do I send the letter or "ghost," as my brother says? I don't know the right answer. I just know I don't want to talk about it because literally all I ever hear is I'm too sensitive or too angry. I've tried. I even asked her to go to therapy WITH me and she said no.

 

[Movingforward10]

I haven't cut my family out but I have cut down contact a lot, and received the backlash.

What do you want to say to your brother? Will he agree to leave you to your decision or is he on a mission to bring you back in line? Does he need cutting out too or is there a way to manage how he might behave and ignore the backlash?

With the letter. Who is it for? You or your mum? And what would be best case scenario on sending it? And what would be worse?

 

[Freddyt]

So, I'm asking for advice. Experts say NOT to send a letter or give reasoning for it, but I do hope we can reconcile at some point when she's healthier or I'm in a healthier state to handle her.

Do I send the letter or "ghost," as my brother says? I don't know the right answer. I just know I don't want to talk about it because literally all I ever hear is I'm too sensitive or too angry. I've tried. I even asked her to go to therapy WITH me and she said no.

I wouldn't send a letter. Just ghost. Not totally, just make it clear by your actions you are available when you want to be, not when she wants you to be.

 

[bearwood]

I haven't cut my family out but I have cut down contact a lot, and received the backlash.

What do you want to say to your brother? Will he agree to leave you to your decision or is he on a mission to bring you back in line? Does he need cutting out too or is there a way to manage how he might behave and ignore the backlash?

With the letter. Who is it for? You or your mum? And what would be best case scenario on sending it? And what would be worse?

I want to tell my brother to love and support me, even if it hurts our mother. I don't think he would agree to leave me to my decision, if my decision was to ghost entirely. He would be supportive of a letter.

So, I guess the letter is for him...? The letter is for me in that I want to give this chance to be absolutely crystal clear about how I feel and what I need from her, and it would be for her to get her to understand...? I don't actually know if it's for her at all. So, I guess for me. Best case scenario is that she agrees to get help and becomes the mom I've needed her to be. And the worst is that she invalidates me again and in a worse way BECAUSE I'm being so clear - if that makes sense.

 

[user27357]

I cut ties with my father and my step mother, my step siblings and my sister more or less simultaneously. This post kind of struck me for the similarities about writing the letter. Maybe two, three years previous to being clear of them, my gastroenterologist of all people had me write a letter to them. I have been in a state of near to losing my digestive balance since a bad car wreck early on, and stress has put me off the rocker quite a few times and he wanted to see if writing a letter to them would help clear some of it during a bad stretch. It did. But the letter was totally for me, never intended to be sent. It was very cathartic and helped me crystalize what had always been a messy shapeless smear they left on me. A few years later after looking at them all clearly for a while, I made the choice to be done with them easily.
Ironically, they helped cement it by following the tenants of their cult like religion and dis communicating me, kind of. I changed their contact info on my phone to read “the judgemental ones” when they called every few months for a year or so. Never answered it. Found out they had died second/ third hand via facebook I think, and I never shed a tear for them. And I cry whenever I hear an artist I like dies, they had less effect on me than a stranger that wrote a good song or directed a good movie.
Thats just me, if bad is guaranteed by their presence in your life, say goodbye and be done done done. It worked for me.

 

[Freddyt]

I feel and what I need from her, and it would be for her to get her to understand...?

Silly question, but if she doesn't understand at this point, what will writing a letter change?

IMO, a letter sent to her will change nothing. If you must, do what @enough did and write a letter to her for yourself, to her but not sent to her.

Because like my mom? She will never change. Ever. Nothing I could say would make her change her narcissism or get help. So either you need to change the relationship like I did with mine or it continues as is.

 

[Sideways]

With people who have been abusive to me, I need to start from the position of self-protection. Not giving them an opportunity to abuse me again. And preferring, bot giving them an opportunity to be hurtful again.

If my abuser is going to change? Great. I do my best to take people as they are now, rather than how they have been in the past.

None of my relationships (with anyone, including people who have hurt me in the past) are premised on what I hope they become. That ends up with me getting hurt again, almost universally.

Turn the equation into: who do I want to be? Who do I want close to me? How do I behave towards people I don’t want to be close.

One thing I don’t ever do? Is reach out (via letter, or any other means) to someone that I don’t want to talk to me. The only type of communication where that makes sense is someone delivering an AVO to them on my behalf.

 

[Movingforward10]

I want to tell my brother to love and support me, even if it hurts our mother. I don't think he would agree to leave me to my decision, if my decision was to ghost entirely. He would be supportive of a letter.

So, I guess the letter is for him...? The letter is for me in that I want to give this chance to be absolutely crystal clear about how I feel and what I need from her, and it would be for her to get her to understand...? I don't actually know if it's for her at all. So, I guess for me. Best case scenario is that she agrees to get help and becomes the mom I've needed her to be. And the worst is that she invalidates me again and in a worse way BECAUSE I'm being so clear - if that makes sense.

With your brother, and your mum, I imagine they have, sadly, shown you time and time again that they can't/won't offer you the behaviour/relationship you need and crave. Otherwise you wouldn't be in this position.
So, whatever you decide to do, I would do it with that in mind: they will behave much the same. Which is your brother not supporting your decision. And your mum being like she is.

Should you send the letter? If it is for you to say what you want to say and you feel proud of yourself for saying it, AND you are prepared to take whatever happens as a response from her (her using it to further abuse you directly and indirectly, through others etc), then why not send it?
But if that feels too much, maybe like others say, write it and don't send it.

It's so tough.whateber you decide to do: it's perfectly ok. Just do it for you only. If your family behave any way similar to mine: then anything short of precisely and exactly the way they want then you're completely in the wrong anyway. So do it all for you.